


May God Have Mercy on Your Souls, Because I Sure as Hell Willn't

by Overkill_Blue



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fuckery on a whole 'nother level, Get ready for a wild ride bitches, Hajime but not a complete dumbass, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Implied Sexual Content, Junko being Junko, Kinks, Light Angst, Louder for the people in the back: SMUT, M/M, Multi, NSFW, NSFW Art, Now with 100 times more smut, Only the most Organic and Healthy Shitposts., Recreational Drug Use, Swearing, This is the History that God has abandoned., We are only going downhill from here, What's Dangan Ronpa without a bit of despair?, Who needs a beta when you have Grammerly?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:48:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 38,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22345120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Overkill_Blue/pseuds/Overkill_Blue
Summary: This just in, the Rat Baby™ and Hopeful Trashman have decided to ruin the local group chats by being themselves.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------bobs and veggietales: okay no one panicbobs and veggietales: but has anyone seen anythingbobs and veggietales: uhbobs and veggietales: out of the ordinarykorekihoe shingucci: What UNGODLYWell-Hung Waifu: IRUMA IS THT A DILDO WiTH WINGS---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Chatfic that focuses on all three major classes in the Dangan Ronpa universe! Each chapter will alternate different classes.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Iruma Miu/Tojo Kirumi, Amami Rantaro/Shinguji Korekiyo, Chabashira Tenko/Yumeno Himiko, Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Ikusaba Mukuro/Kirigiri Kyoko/Naegi Makoto, Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo, K1-B0/Oma Kokichi, K1-B0/Saihara Shuichi, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Pekoyama Peko, More relationships TBD, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Sonia Nevermind/Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham
Comments: 163
Kudos: 976





	1. The Genesis of Pure Fuckery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aw shit, here we go again.

**Kokichi Ouma has added Shuichi Saihara, Maki Harukawa, Himiko Yumeno, Kaede Akamatsu, and 11 others to the group chat.**

**Kokichi Ouma has changed the name of the group chat to “Ultimate Disappointments".**

**Kokichi Ouma:** hi slaves!!!!1!1!

 **Kokichi Ouma:** welcome to hell

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Ouma-kun why?

 **Miu Iruma:** WHY THE FUCK

 **Kaede Akamatsu:** Oh hey nice, I was thinking of making one of these with everyone.

**Maki Harukawa has left Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Kokichi Ouma has added Maki Harukawa to Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Maki Harukawa has left Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Kokichi Ouma has added Maki Harukawa to Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Maki Harukawa has left Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Kokichi Ouma has added Maki Harukawa to Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Kokichi Ouma:** wwwhy arrree yuo leaaveing??? do ouy hate me taht much??? :(((((

 **Maki Harukawa:** Why would you ask a question that you know the answer to, you abhorrent grape hobbit?

 **Kaito Momota:** SKJOWAFAOEGOIKSJDNRRR

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** A BODY HAS BEEN DISCOVERED

 **Kokichi Ouma:** i'm not sharing my chicken nuggies with you now uwu

 **Kaede Akamatsu:** Why not stay Maki, it could be fun :D

 **Maki Harukawa:** Not if this dipshit is in control.

 **Kokichi Ouma:** omigoddddd you're so dramaaaatic

 **Kokichi Ouma:** one sec

**Kokichi Ouma has given Admin rights to Shuichi Saihara and Kirumi Tojo.**

**Akamatsu Kaede:** Why to just those two?

 **Kokichi Ouma:** because mom is mom and shumai is cuter/smarter than the rest of you

 **Shuichi Saihara:** H

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** Understandable, have a nice day.

 **Tenko Chabashira:** HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHY AM I IN THIS DEGENERATES GC

 **Himiko Yumeno:** its too early for all these notifications guys

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** It's 5:00 P.M.

 **Himiko Yumeno:** still too early

 **Tenko Chabashira:** hmmmmmmmm I mean I guess the chat's okay if kaede and himiko are here

 **Tenko Chabashira:** along with the rest of you lovely ladies of course (minus miu)

 **Miu Iruma:** THE FUCK YOU MEAN MINUS??? IM THE MOST BITCHIN BADASS IN THIS CLASS

 **Kokichi Ouma:** who the fuck asked you you fugly cumslut

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** Kokichi don't be me

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** MIU JESUS CHRIST PLEASE STOP MOANING I CAN HEAR YOU FROM HERE

 **Angie Yonaga:** *Dear Atua

 **Ryoma** **Hoshi:** please for the love of god someone shut her up it's too early for this shit

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** _It's 5:00 P.M._

 **Ryoma Hoshi:** i mean what i say and i say what i mean

 **Gonta Gokuhara:** oh no!! is iruma-san okay?!

 **Miu Iruma:** oh i'm REAL okay now fam ;)

 **Korekiyo Shinguji:** Gonta is the only respectable human here. Taint him and I will tear off your skin and turn your bones into tableware.

 **Kaito Momota:** good lord man

 **Rantaro Amami:** hot

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Your gay is showing Rantaro.

 **Kokichi Ouma:** okay yeah cool whatever

 **Kokichi Ouma:** soooooo, gonna stay now maki?

 **Maki Harukawa:** No.

 **Kaito Momota:** :(

 **Maki Harukawa:** Fine.

 **Kaito Momota:** :D

 **Kokichi Ouma:** alright sweet

 **Kokichi Ouma:** because it's time for name changes!!!

 **Korekiyo Shinguji:** I'd rather you not.

**Kokichi Ouma has changed their name to Pantaslut420.**

**Shuichi Saihara: _Oh no._**

**Pantaslut420:** ;)

**Pantaslut420 has changed Korekiyo Shinguji's name to korekihoe shingucci.**

**korekihoe shingucci:**

**korekihoe shingucci:** How much for a hit, Maki-san?

**Pantaslut420 has changed Maki Harukawa's name to Did I fucking stutter?.**

**Did I fucking stutter?:** For this bitch it's free.

 **Pantaslut420:** uwu

**Pantaslut420 has changed Kirumi Tojo's name to Mother Goose.**

**Pantaslut420 has changed Shuichi Saihara's name to Poirot but even cuter.**

**Poirot but even cuter:** How did you know I liked Hercule Poirot more than Sherlock Holmes?

 **Pantaslut420:** uh duh 

**Pantaslut420:** it was like suuuuuuuuuuuper obvious

 **Kaede Akamatsu:** He bribed me with a Fruit Roll-Up.

**Pantaslut420:**

**Pantaslut420 has changed Kaede Akamatsu's name to Well-Hung Waifu.**

**Well-Hung Waifu:** W H Y ?

 **Pantaslut420:** _snitches get stitches_

 **Miu Iruma:** ASDFGHHEREIRHJSOKDGJKL

 **Miu Iruma:** HOT

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** M I U

**Pantaslut420 has changed Miu Iruma's name to bobs and veggietales.**

**bobs and veggietales:** YOOOOOO VEGGIETALES WAS KEEBS SHIT BACK IN THE DAY

 **Pantaslut420:** speaking of which

**Pantaslut420 has changed K1-B0's name to Floppy Disk.**

**Tenko Chabashira:** wait why floppy disk

 **Pantaslut420:** because floppy disk sounds like floppy dicks you useless lesbian

 **Tenko Chabashira:** I CAN'T HELP IF I'M TOO GAY TO KONW YOUR CRAPPY DICK JOKES

**Pantaslut420 has changed Tenko Chabashira's name to lesbian? i thought you were japanese?.**

**lesbian? i thought you were japanese?:** tolerable coming from a degenerate

 **Himiko Yumeno:** noice

**Pantaslut420 has changed Himiko Yumeno's name to cherrypop.**

**lesbian? i thought you were japanese?:** huh that's pretty cute. i'm impressed.

 **Pantaslut420:** its cuz you wanna pop her cherry lolololololol

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** auehbaeegiogarUUU

 **cherrypop:** :/

 **lesbian? i thought you were japanese?:** I WILL BREAK YOU YOU RAT

 **Poirot but even cuter:** Please no.

**Pantaslut420 has changed Tsumugi Shirogane's name to ONII-CHNYAAAN~~**

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** GOD DAMNIT WHY

 **Angie Yonaga:** **Atua Damnit

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** It was a cover-up thing because Shuichi caught me off-guard in the Love Hotel okay?!

 **Poirot but even cuter:** Let's not talk about that the Killing School Game Simulation, please.

 **Pantaslut420:** wait what about love hotels?

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** NEVERMIND THAT

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** CHANGE MY NAME

 **Pantaslut420:** nah

**Pantaslut420 has changed Angie Yonaga's name to Atua is a voyeur.**

**Atua is a voyeur: _Would you like to taste the hellfire, my child?_**

**Pantaslut420:** sksksksksksksk

 **bobs and veggietales:** ha bottom

 **Pantaslut420:** silence you trashy pig barf skank slut

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Don't be r

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** MIU P L E A S E S T O P

**Pantaslut420 has changed Rantaro Amami's name to jacobs ladder.**

**korekihoe shingucci:** Why have you named Rantaro after a cult-classic horror film made in the United States?

 **Pantaslut420:** oh no its cuz hes got one

 **jacobs ladder:** HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

 **Pantaslut420:** i do now bitch 

**jacobs ladder:**

**jacobs ladder:** ATUA

 **jacobs ladder:** DAMNIT

 **Atua is a voyeur:** Finally, someone gets it!

 **Kaito Momota:** wait, the fuck is a jacobs ladder then?

**Pantaslut420:[feast-your-eyes](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/366973069628794593/)**

**Poirot but even cuter:** OUMA-KUN NO

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** WHY WUOLD YOU POST THAT

 **bobs and veggietales:** THIS MAKES ME SO M O I S T

 **Ryoma Hoshi:** god damnit someone shut her up I'm trying to sleep

 **Gonta Gokuhara:** Gonta no understand? it just a banana?

 **Atua is a voyeur:** Atua says that if anyone tells him the truth Angie has the right to decapitate them and use their skulls as candle holders.

 **Pantaslut420:** <_<;;;

 **korekihoe shingucci:** It is just a type of piercing Gonta, do not worry about it.

 **korekihoe shingucci:** It is also something people such as I find very attractive.

 **Gonta Gokuhara:** oh, okay!!

 **jacobs ladder:** AKSKLAFHLGHSLKASFHGLK

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Your gay is showing again.

 **jacobs ladder:** sHUT

 **lesbian? i thought you were japanese?:** AVERT YOUR EYES HIMIKO!!!

 **cherrypop:** too lazy to click the link

 **Poirot but even cuter:** One of the few times it actually pays off to be lazy.

**Pantaslut420 has changed Kaito Momota's name to Brojobs are a thing.**

**Did I fucking stutter?:** _Do you want to die?_

 **Brojobs are a thing:** huh? aren't they?

 **Poirot but even cuter:** NO. NO THEY ARE NOT.

 **bobs and veggietales:** cmon shyhara, give momoron a sweet sweet brojob

 **bobs and veggietales:** gotta help your bros out yknow?

 **Poirot but even cuter:** ASKJFNOERIIKLS

 **Brojobs are a thing:** WAASKJDDFKJGSHORIL

 **Did I fucking stutter:** Kaito you dumbass bisexual.

**Pantaslut420 has changed Ryoma Hoshi's name to dick staring contest.**

**dick staring contest:**

**dick staring contest:** I'm going back to bed.

 **bobs and veggietales:** AAKSJHGKSLKDJGSLJRI

 **cherrypop:** mood

**Pantaslut420 has changed Gonta Gokuhara's name to Bees?.**

**Did I fucking stutter?:** Acceptable.

 **Pantaslut420:** i know that all of you guys would just bitch and moan if i made gonta's name lewd

 **bobs and veggietales:** fucking PUSSIES

 **Pantaslut420:** shut up

 **Poirot but even cuter:** Ouma-kun please don't be rude to Iruma-san.

 **Pantaslut420:** no no no i'm doing her a favor since she gets off on this

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** **M I U**

 **Pantaslut420:** see?

 **Mother Goose:** Oh dear, what is this?

 **Mother Goose:** Is this what all those notifications were for?

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Oh hi Kirumi!

**Mother Goose:**

**Mother Goose:** Kaede-san, I am disappointed in you.

 **Pantaslut420:** SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSK

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** I DIDNT CHOOSE THiS NAME I SWEAR

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Just backlog a bit and you'll see that it's Kokichi's fault.

 **Mother Goose:** Ah, I see now.

 **Pantaslut420:** mommy where were you

 **Pantaslut420:** we needed your 

**Mother Goose:**? My what?

 **Pantaslut420:** breast mylk ;pppp

**Mother Goose has taken Admin rights from Pantaslut420.**

**Pantaslut420:** wAIT NO

**Mother Goose has muted Pantaslut420 for 3 Hours. Reason: Because I said so.**

**lesbian? i thought you were japanese?:** HOLY SHIT YES

 **bobs and veggietales:** AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

 **Poirot but even cuter:** ;_; !!!!!!

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Thank God.

 **Atua is a voyeur:** *Atua

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Whatever.

 **Mother Goose:** Now that that is out of the way, dinner will be done shortly. May everyone please come to the dining hall?

 **korekihoe shingucci:** Certainly.

 **jacobs ladder:** i would kill for something junkfoody rn, ngl

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Are you high again Rantaro?

 **jacobs ladder:** yeah and miu is too tho

 **bobs and veggietales:** YOU FUCKIN SNITCH

 **Mother Goose:** Just come downstairs soon. I will have something made adequately for both of you.

 **bobs and veggietales:** k mom

 **jacobs ladder:** k mom

 **Floppy Disk:** Hello! Sorry for the late reply, I was speaking with Kazuichi-san. What is this?

**Floppy Disk:**

**Floppy Disk:** WHAT ON EARTH IS WITH THE BANANA

 **dick staring contest:** welcome to hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ultimate Dissapointments  
> ===============================
> 
> bobs and veggietales ----- Miu Iruma
> 
> korekihoe shingucci ----- Korekiyo Shinguji
> 
> Well-Hung Waifu ----- Kaede Akamatsu
> 
> Did I fucking stutter? ----- Maki Harukawa
> 
> Bees? ----- Gonta Gokuhara
> 
> lesbian? I thought you were japanese? ----- Tenko Chabashira
> 
> Poirot but even cuter ----- Shuichi Saihara
> 
> Pantaslut420 ----- Kokichi Ouma
> 
> Atua is a voyeur ----- Angie Yonaga
> 
> ONII-CHNYAAAN~~ ----- Tsumugi Shirogane
> 
> Floppy Disk ----- K1-B0
> 
> Brojobs are a thing ----- Kaito Momota
> 
> dick staring contest ----- Ryoma Hoshi
> 
> cherrypop ----- Himiko Yumeno
> 
> Mother Goose ----- Kirumi Tojo
> 
> jacobs ladder ----- Rantaro Amami


	2. Genesis 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roses are red, cacti are prickly,
> 
> HOLY SHIT THIS ESCALATED QUICKLY

**Hajime Hinata has added Nagito Komaeda, Chiaki Nanami, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu, Sonia Nevermind, and 11 others to the group chat.**

**Nagito Komaeda:** Hinata-kun!! And everyone else!! How nice to be allowed in a chat with you all!!

 **Kazuichi Soda:** ah shit what is this

 **Chiaki Nanami:** I was in the middle of fighting Waterblight Ganon this better be important.

 **Chiaki Nanami:** Not that I don't love you guys tho.

 **Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu:** what the fuck is this bro

 **Gundham Tanaka:** What debauchery shall we revel in in this godforsaken communication program?

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** ew why am I in here with chuuni fuckos and losers =3=

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** except mahiru of course

 **Mahiru Koizumi:** Don't be too rude Hiyoko, Hajime probably just wanted us all to be in a chat as friends together. It honestly doesn't sound too bad.

 **Sonia Nevermind:** It sounds delightful! :D

**Hajime Hinata has changed the name of the group chat to "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**Sonia Nevermind:** D:

**Hajime Hinata has changed their name to salty god.**

**salty god:** I'm letting you all know this right _F U C K I N G_ now.

 **salty god:** You are all on my personal rotten little shit list.

 **Kazuichi Soda:** WH

 **Ibuki Mioda:** I JUST GOT HERE AND I DONT WANT TO DIE

 **Chiaki Nanami:** Oh geez Mikan immediately burst into tears.

 **Mikan Tsumiki:** I DNOT KNOW WHAT I DID BUT IM SORRY

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** lmaooooooooo

 **salty god:** I'm gonna give you all your names, and then

 **salty god:** _**We are gonna have another goddamn Class Trial.** _

**Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu:** HOLY SHIT CHILL MAN

 **Peko Pekoyama:** Is

 **Peko Pekoyama:** Is it really that serious?

**salty god has changed Nagito Komaeda's name to hope > ketamine.**

**Ibuki Mioda:** AEUFHLAGRKJSLKRJELKKEHG

 **hope > ketamine: **I graciously accept such a wonderful name chosen by the Ultimate Hope! I will cherish it for the rest of my life :)

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** ha gaaaaaaaaaaaaay

 **Kazuichi Soda:** i fear for mine and Sonia-san's life.

 **Sonia Nevermind:** Nothing to worry about! Gundham and his Four Dark Deva's shall protect us!

 **Gundham Tanaka:** There is nothing to fear, for nothing can withstand the might of the Overlord of Ice and the Tanaka Empire! Not even the Ultimate Hope!

**salty god has changed Kazuichi Soda's name to shark kink.**

**salty god has changed Sonia Nevermind's name to darkness kink.**

**salty god has changed Gundham Tanaka's name to ice kink.**

**ice kink:**

**ice kink:** Discretion is the better part of valor, so I will admit defeat this time.

 **shark kink:** WHAT THE HELL MAN!?!?!

 **darkness kink:** HOW DID YOU KNOW

 **shark kink:** SONIA-SAN???

 **ice kink:** I must know how you came to know such knowledge about myself as well.

 **shark kink:** W H A T

**salty god has changed Chiaki Nanami's name to dink wakka splat.**

**dink wakka splat:** Hinata-kun

 **dink wakka splat:** I'm unfriending you on Switch.

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** wait I don't get it

 **hope > ketamine: **I believe that the name is in reference to Nanami-san's execution: Space Invaders noise, Pac-Man noise, and then the Tetris Block at the end.

 **Mahiru Koizumi:** Hinata-kun, this is really rude and insensitive of you.

**salty god has changed Mahiru Koizumi's name to tomato go BPLTT.**

**tomato go BPLTT:** ASDKKJAEGHFGOAEUHBSLJKS

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** OH MY GOD

 **Peko Pekoyama:** Again, I apologize profusely for what happened.

 **Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu:** 1) You don't have to apologize for anything.

 **Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu:** 2) Bro please at least go easy on me and Peko.

**salty god:**

**salty god has changed Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu's name to little spoon.**

**salty god has changed Peko Pekoyama's name to BIG SPOON.**

**little spoon:** H O W D A R E Y O U

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** lmao get cucked shorty

 **little spoon:** SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SLAGWHORE GREMLIN

 **Hiyoko Saionji:** IM TALLER THAN YOU NOW BITCH AND WE ALL KNOW YOUR NAME REFLECTS THE TRUTH

 **little spoon:** FUCK OFF

**salty god has changed Hiyoko Saionji's name to banana gremlin.**

**banana gremlin:** YOU FUCK IMMA BOP YOU

**salty god has changed Mikan Tsumiki's name to shot shots shots.**

**salty god has changed Ibuki Mioda's name to hanging by a thread.**

**shots shots shots:** well I do like giving shots

 **shots shots shots:** a _LOT_ of shots :)

 **shark kink:** *fear intensifying*

 **hanging by a thread:** if I had to name a song in commemoration of this event it would be a ballad titled "I am being threatened by the Orange Juice man and am having flashbacks."

 **banana gremlin:** lmao 

**salty god:** Since Owari, Nidai, Hanamura, and Twogami are busy today (as I know they are) they will be excused from the trial for today.

**salty god has changed Akane Owari's name to food & tiddies.**

**salty god has changed Nekomaru Nidai's name to bara tiddies & shit.**

**salty god has changed Teruteru Hanamura's name to snausagelover69.**

**snausagelover69:** _very gud_

 **shark kink:** DID YOU JUST COME ONLINE FOR THAT

 **tomato go BPLTT:** What a bastard.

**salty god has changed Byakuya Twogami's name to copykebab.**

**salty god:** Now that that's out of the way.

 **salty god:** _**LISTEN UP FUCKERS** _

**dink wakka splat:** Oh gosh

 **salty god:** ONE of you commissioned a specific piece of art from one of the members of Class 79.

 **salty god:** AND I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT

 **darkness kink:** I apologize, but why would a piece of art upset you so much?

 **salty god:** BECAUSE ITS OF ME AND SO GODDAMN NSFW I CANT EVEN

**salty god:[whatthefuckeven.jpeg](https://miami.rule34.xxx//samples/3272/sample_1e7a1222ebf95f8cdb2d495e933a999f.jpg?3682548)**

**dink wakka splat:** ASJRFAEHGKSRJLHAUWEHRL

 **little spoon:** OH MY GODDDDDDDD

 **banana gremlin:** MY EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 **banana gremlin:** MY LESBIAN EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 **ice kink:** THIS IS A DISGRACE TO NOBLE BOVINE EVERYWHERE

**darkness kink:**

**darkness kink:** It's honestly rather enjoyable to look at.

 **shark kink:** SONIA-SAN PLEASE

 **shots shots shots:** Komaeda-san is bleeding profusely from his nose I need to take him to the nurse's office also I DIDNT DO IT

 **tomato go BPLTT:** Is he okay!?

 **hope > ketamine: **I am more than okay, I'm fantastic after seeing that.

 **little spoon:** JESUS CHRIST

 **BIG SPOON:** I believe that your outrage is justified Hinata-kun.

 **salty god:** WHICH ONE OF YOU DID THIS

 **salty god:** I THOUGHT IT WAS HANAMURA BUT IT'S NOT

 **hanging by a thread:** wait how do you know he's innocent?

 **salty god:** I went through his computer and through all his porn.

 **salty god:** ALL OF IT

 **tomato go BPLTT:** You hero.

 **salty god:** AND THERE WASN'T A SINGLE PHOTO OF ME OR ANY CLASSMATE DRAWN LEWDLY

 **salty god:** I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD/LET DOWN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

 **banana gremlin:** oh come on no way

 **salty god:** YOU WANNA CHECK ALL 11 TERABYTES FOR YOURSELF THEN?

 **banana gremlin:** ASFWRHWIESBHOWHRIJKNELS

 **dink wakka splat:** I'm sorry

 **dink wakka splat:** _terabytes._

 **salty god:** EVEN WITH MY COLLECTION OF TALENTS IT TOOK ME LIKE 16 HOURS TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THAT

 **shark kink:** holy fuck

 **shark kink:** **@snausagelover69** link me the good shit k thanks

 **darkness kink:** Soda-kun

 **darkness kink:** Share what you get with me when you have the time.

 **ice kink:** SHE-DEVIL!?

 **shark kink:** AFEPHJSKKGJSLEKJHYLRDK

 **dink wakka splat:** Okay so you know it's not Hanamura or me.

 **little spoon:** wait, why not you?

 **dink wakka splat:** Cuz who needs sex when you've got Fire Emblem: Three Houses?

 **salty god:** I'll take that.

 **little spoon:** REALLY?

 **salty god:** I also know that Owari, Nidai, and Twogami are innocent since they're all in places that don't allow easy access to the internet. 

**salty god:** Owari and Nidai are in the mountains training and Twogami is copying his animator friend to go to a meeting overseas.

 **salty god:** In essence: Nanami, Hanamura, Owari, Nidai, and Twogami are innocent.

 **salty god:** SO THE REST OF YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD GODDAMN EXCUSE

 **hanging by a thread:** uhhhhhhh, I was touring the last few days in Tokyo, so I didn't have time for anything like that

 **banana gremlin:** I'M TOO GAY FOR GROSS HINATA PENIS

 **little spoon:** I MEAN I FIND YOU KINDA HOT BUT I HAVE A GF

 **salty god:** W H A T

 **BIG SPOON:** Same but I love Fuyuhiko.

 **salty god:** W H A T X 2

 **hanging by a thread:** LMAOOOO FUYU IS BLUSHIN HAAAAAAARDDDD

 **little spoon:** SHUT UP

 **dink wakka splat:** Living up to the name I see.

 **little spoon:** GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **salty god:** Alright, fine, I'll take that as well.

 **saly god:** The rest of you?

 **shots shots shots:** I was on-call at the local hospital for some time due to a pileup on a major highway and i DONT DO LEWD

 **banana gremlin:** you fucking lying bullshit fanservice trashwhore

 **shots shots shots:** I'M NTO LYING IM SORRRRYYYYYYYYY

 **salty god:** Just confirmed Mioda and Tsumiki's testimonies so you're both in the clear.

 **salty god:** Saionji I'll let slide since she is so clearly into Mahiru.

 **banana gremlin:** SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **shark kink:** okay Hinata imma be real with you

 **shark kink:** me, tanaka, and sonia are innocent too

 **salty god:** And why would that be?

 **darkness kink:** No comment.

 **ice kink:** No comment.

 **shark kink:**....no comment.

 **salty god:** Oh my god okay fine I get it.

 **salty god:** Just be decent human beings and use condoms.

 **little spoon:** WHAT?!?!?!?!

 **shark kink:** LEAVE IT ALONE WE'RE ALL IN UNIVERSITY FFS

 **dink wakka splat:** Not to throw anyone under the bus but...

 **dink wakka splat:** Hasn't Koizumi-san been rather quiet? She hasn't even reacted to the picture like I thought she would.

 **salty god:** _Koizumi_ _?_

 **banana gremlin:** MAHIRU WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING YOU NARCOLEPTIC GAMER

 **tomato go BLPTT:** Yeah, of course not.

**salty god:**

**salty god:** One sec

**tomato go BLPTT:**

**shark kink:** ASKFJAHLGAHLEKSHFLK

 **shark kink:** SHE JUST FUCKN BROKE OUT INTO A FULL BLOWN SPRINT I CANT EVEN

 **banana gremlin:** MAHIRU?!

 **salty god:** Ultimate Hacker talent me says fucking BULLSHIT Koizumi.

 **hanging by a thread:** Koizumi a disaster bisexual confirmed???

 **BIG SPOON:** Not to alarm anyone, but Hinata-san is currently flash-stepping across campus after Koizumi-san.

 **tomato go BPLTT:** I SWEAR ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOSK LIKE

 **salty god:** WHY ARE YOU RUNNING? WHY. ARE YOU. RUNNING?

 **little spoon:** my fucking god

 **dink wakka splat:** Why did you commission porn of Hinata-kun, Koizumi-san?

**tomato go BPLTT:**

**tomato go BPLTT:** I CAN'T SAY

 **tomato go BPLTT:** I'VE BEEN SWORN TO SECRECY

 **shark kink:** the FUCK??

 **ice kink:** What unholy pact have you made and with whom?!

 **banana gremlin:** MAHIRU WHY

 **salty god:** Tell me right now or so help me.

 **tomato go BPLTT:** WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?? HIT A GIRL??

 **salty god:** I'll let everyone know about the Con that you were commissioned to attend three months ago.

 **tomato go BPLTT:** HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

 **darkness kink:** Con?

 **banana gremlin:** con?

 **salty god:** I'm literally a god among men with all this bullshit talent.

 **salty god:** Given enough time, I can learn anything and everything about you or anyone else.

 **shark kink:** *fear intensifies FUCKING EXPONENTIALLY* 

**tomato go BPLTT:** HINATA ITS COMPLICATED

 **tomato go BPLTT:** I MADE A DEAL WITH SOMEONE TO HAVE STUFF COMMISSIONED THROUGH ME

 **tomato go BPLTT:** IF I TURN ON THEM I LOSE OUT REAL BAD

 **little spoon:** the fuck were you offered as a part of a deal to commission porn?

 **tomato go BPLTT:** A two week fully paid vacation touring Europe with Hiyoko and ¥16,000,000.

 **hanging by a thread:** HOLY

 **ice kink:** WHAT MADNESS

 **dink wakka splat:** THAT'S??? ALMOST $150,000???

 **banana gremlin:** aww mahiru and also wHAT THE FUCK

 **little spoon:** WHAT FUCKING DEGENERATE WOULD PAY THAT MUCH FOR A PORN PIC OF HINATA

**tomato go BPLTT:**

**tomato go BPLTT:** it wasn't just one

**salty god: _W H A T_**

**tomato go BPLTT:** They paid me to commission about like, uh

 **tomato go BPLTT:** A couple hundred.

**salty god:**

**salty god:** I know who the culprit is now.

 **shark kink:** wait really?

 **shots shots shots:** Excuse me I'm sorry to interrupt but has anyone seen Komaeda-san? I went to go to use the restroom for a short amount of time but when I got back there were just a whole bunch of empty ketchup packets on Komaeda-san's cot.

**darkness kink:**

**shark kink:**

**ice kink:**

**BIG SPOON:**

**banana gremlin:**

**hanging by a thread:**

**dink wakka splat:**

**little spoon:** HOW DID WE NOT FUCKING CONCLUDE THAT IT WAS HIM IMMEDIATELY

 **tomato go BPLTT: @hope > ketamine **I DIDN'T SNITCH I BETTER GET MY GODDAMN MONEY AND TRIP

 **salty god: @hope > ketamine **I WILL FIND YOU AND END YOU

 **hope > ketamine: ** _N-nya~~ End me Hinata-kun~~_

 **dink wakka splat:** POJOEGHLKASJLFJHSFGFLKHF

 **darkness kink:** D:

 **BIG SPOON:** Cursed.

 **salty god:** I'LL FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

 **salty god:** wait nO

 **salty god:** I'LL BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOU

 **hope > ketamine: **Hinata-kun stop, I can only get so erect.

 **banana gremlin:** fUCKING STOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"  
> ==========================================================================
> 
> salty god: ----- Hajime Hinata
> 
> hope > ketamine: ----- Nagito Komaeda
> 
> dink wakka splat: ----- Chiaki Nanami
> 
> little spoon: ----- Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu
> 
> BIG SPOON: ----- Peko Pekoyama
> 
> banana gremlin: ----- Hiyoko Saionji
> 
> tomato go BPLTT: ----- Mahiru Koizumi
> 
> shots shots shots: ----- Mikan Tsumiki
> 
> darkness kink: ----- Sonia Nevermind
> 
> ice kink: ----- Gundham Tanaka
> 
> shark kink: ----- Kazuichi Soda
> 
> hanging by a thread: ----- Ibuki Mioda
> 
> food & tiddies: ----- Akane Owari
> 
> bara tiddies & shit: ----- Nekomaru Nidai
> 
> snausagelover69: ----- Teruteru Hanamura
> 
> copykebab: ----- Byakuya Twogami / Imposter
> 
> ==========================================================================
> 
> (I do not own any artwork showcased in this fic. I don't have the talent, lol.)


	3. Genesis 3: The Revenge of the Sith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 78th class lived together in harmony
> 
> but everything changed when the megabitch™ attacked.

**Makoto Naegi has added Kyoko Kirigiri, Byakuya Togami, Toko Fukawa, Aoi Asahina, and 11 others to the group chat.**

**Makoto Naegi has changed their name to egg.**

**egg:** hi guys!!

**Kyoko Kirigiri:** Hello.

**Aoi Asahina:** sup everyone!

**Mondo Owada:** ey yo the fuck is this

**egg:** i thought it would be nice to have a gc with everyone in class! the 79th and 77th classes made one each for theirs so i thought why not?

**Toko Fukawa:** Reading that sentence makes me want to kill myself. Use proper grammar and syntax you neanderthal. 

**egg:** D:

**Byakuya Togami:** Naegi, type something out again if you would. Maybe this is the solution I've needed all this time to finally achieve the silence I crave.

**egg:** D: !!!

**Toko Fukawa:** Master!?

**Hifumi Yamada:** dear god man

**Junko Enoshima:** Well well well

**Junko Enoshima:** What an _interesting_ development~

**Mukuro Ikusaba:** makoto why did you add her?

**Junko Enoshima:** How RUDE. I'm ur baby sis uwu

**Mukuro Ikusaba:** unfortunately.

**Mondo Owada:** jesus christ

**egg:** guys come on!! lets just be chill here okay?

**egg has changed Kyoko Kirigiri's name to Agatha Christie.**

**Agatha Christie:** Oh. Thank you Makoto.

**egg:** :P

**egg has changed Mukuro Ikusaba's name to love on the battlefield.**

**love on the battlefield:** i would die for you.

**Junko Enoshima:** OWO

**egg: please don't**

**Sayaka Maizono:** aw, this is kinda wholesome! I'm kinda surprised.

**Celestia Ludenburg:** I honestly expected the lot of you to devolve into stupidity as you usually do.

**Mondo Owada:** fuck off

**Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** Come now, bro! Don't be mean to your fellow classmates.

**Junko Enoshima:** OH MY GOD JUST FUCK ALREADY

**Mondo Owada:** SHUT THE FUCK UP

**Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** Please don't be rude to each other!

**Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** Also, what is this about, um, effing?

**Celestia Ludenburg:** You obtuse sycophant.

**egg:** um

**egg:** i'll just give you guys your names now (:

**Junko Enoshima:** Hahahahhaha

**Junko Enoshima:** no

**Junko Enoshima has given herself Admin rights.**

**Junko Enoshima has taken Admin rights from egg.**

**egg:** WHAT ARE YOU DOING

**Chihiro Fujisaki:** um?? sorry to interrupt but how have you hacked my chat app??

**Junko Enoshima has changed their name to dis bear despairs.**

**dis bear despairs has changed the name of the group chat to "OG Killing Squad".**

**Yasuhiro Hagakure:** oH NOT AGAIN

**Sakura Ogami:** Junko if you start something, I'll end it.

**dis bear despairs has changed Sakura Ogami's name to it's all ogre now.**

**Leon Kuwata:** ASDFGYWSRHFEYUHTHOPP

**Aoi Asahina:** HeY!! Don't call her that!!!

**it's all ogre now:** It's quite alright Hina, I am above allowing myself to have such a childish insult faze me.

**dis bear despairs:** lmao chillllllllllllll

**dis bear despairs:** It's just a Shrek meme fam.

**Toko Fukawa:** Please go bathe with your toaster.

**dis bear despairs:** Please go bathe.

**Hifumi Yamada:** catfight???

**dis bear despairs:**

**dis bear despairs has changed Hifumi Yamada's name to pussy? don't know her.**

**Celestia Ludenburg:** Please excuse the cackle that came out of my mouth.

**Sayaka Maizono:** THAT LEGIT TERRIFIED ME

**Leon Kuwata:** deadass the cackle of an actual witch.

**pussy? don't know her:** 2D > 3D ANY DAY

**dis bear despairs:** It showed when you tried to fuck Alter Ego you fucking incel.

**Chihiro Fujisaki:** HE DID WHAT???

**pussy? don't know her:** I WAS STRESSED OUT AND THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE OKAY

**love on the battlefield:** what did you do? try and stick your chode in a usb port?

**egg:** MUKURO!?

**Agatha Christie:** +5 respect points to Mukuro.

**Chihiro Fujisaki:** okay, first off i'm disgusted and am definitely angry that YOUD TRY AND FUCK MY BABY AI PROGRAM

**Chihiro Fujisaki:** secondly, **@dis bear despairs** HOW DID YOU HACK MY APP

**dis bear despairs:** WHY DO YOU BITCHES KEEP FORGETTING THAT I'M LEGIT A SUPERHUMAN GENIUS?

**dis bear despairs:** Like??? The Ultimate Fashionista title was a cover for my true Ultimate Analyst title??? I can go toe to toe with fucking Izuru Hinata Hajime Kamakura or whatever.

**dis bear despairs:** As if I'd struggle with fucking around with a stupid little chat app lol

**love on the battlefield:** GOD you're such a cunt

**Byakuya Togami:** You're all idiots in my eyes.

**dis pear despairs has changed Byakuya Togami's name to glucose guardian.**

**glucose guardian: _Do you want a fucking slap?_**

**Yasuhiro Hagakure:** XSDDAPAOETUJPAEIHGGGK

**dis bear despairs:** Heyyyyyy Byakuya~~

**dis bear despairs:** Is it, like, true that you've got a huge dick due to all the unethical Togami Family selective breeding bullshit??

**Mondo Owada:** WHAT

**Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** Is that information really necessary for you to know, Enoshima-san?!

**Agatha Christie:** Funny how you immediately got Mondo's attention when dick is discussed.

**egg:** K Y O K O

**Mondo Owada:** SHUT UPPPPPPPPP

**glucose guardian:** I do not concern myself with such pointless, vulgar conversations.

**Toko Fukawa:** Yeah! It should already be a given that Master has a huge cock!

**glucose guardian:** Shut. Up.

**dis bear despairs:** Ugh bored now.

**dis bear despairs:** ALLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

**dis bear despairs:** TIME TO CHANGE ALL OF THE REMAINING NAMES AT ONCE!

**dis bear despairs has changed Yasuhiro Hagakure's name to denny's at 3 am.**

**denny's at 3 am:** i met mothman behind a dennys once

**dis bear despairs:** I know lol

**Agatha Christie:** Wait what

**dis bear despairs has changed Aoi Asahina's name to loves kakyoin.**

**loves kakyoin:** wait who's kakyoin??

**pussy? don't know her:** YOU'RE SO EVIL ENOSHIMA-SAN

**Agatha Christie:** I didn't expect Enoshima to be a Jojo nerd.

**dis bear despairs:** Oh please as if you aren't one too loser.

**egg:** hey! don't be mean to kyoko >:(

**dis bear despairs:** lmao did someone hear a chihuahua?

**dis bear despairs:** Anyway, donuts, am I right?

**Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY BUT YOU JUST MADE MONDO SAD AND I AM ANGERY

**dis bear despairs has changed Kiyotaka Ishimaru's name to their our know rules.**

**Toko Fukawa:** OH YOU HORRID BIG BOOBED BIMBO

**Sayaka Maizono:** I had a stroke reading that.

**their our know rules:** THIS MAKES ME IRRATIONALLY UPSET

**dis bear despairs has changed Toko Fukawa's name to scissor me timbers.**

**denny's at 3 am:** OH DAMN I JUST SAW TOKO FALL DOWN THE STAIRS AFTER SHRIEKING IN RAGE

**glucose guardian:** _Perish._

**scissor me timbers:** anything for you big dick daddy~~~

**egg:** D:

**love on the battlefield:** welp. guess she switched over to Jack.

**scissor me timbers:** correctomundo!!!

**scissor me timbers:** does anyone know where i can get a high real fast??

**their our know rules:** DRUGS ARE NOT WELCOME IN A SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT 

**dis bear despairs:** blah blah bLAH MORE NAME CHANGES

**dis bear despairs has changed Mondo Owada's name to diamond nipples.**

**diamond nipples:** COME ON YOU COULD HAVE JUST MADE IT CRAZY DIAMOND

**dis bear despairs:** Too easy :/

**dis bear despairs:** Also, like, you barely wear a shirt. Your tits are almost as out as mine fam.

**diamond nipples:** fUCK OFF

**their our know rules:** It's not an entirely unwelcome sight admittedly.

**diamond nipples:** W HA T

**dis bear despairs has changed Sayaka Maizono's name to bootleg miku.**

**bootleg miku:** I reaaaaaaaaaally want to say some things, but I won't since I have a professional reputation to upkeep :)

**loves kakyoin:** jeez <_<;;;

**Leon Kuwata:** _you can say fuck its okay_

**dis bear despairs has changed Leon Kuwata's name to WANABEEE.**

**WANABEEEE:** oi fuck off I'll be a great rockstar

**bootleg miku:** Of course you will! With my coaching and Ibuki-san's guidance, you'll be unstoppable!

**dis bear despairs:** ew heteros

**love on the battlefield:** YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND

**egg:** wait?? she does??

**dis bear despairs:** No comment uwu

**dis bear despairs has changed Celestia Ludenburg's name to ebony dark'ness.**

**ebony dark'ness:** Do you believe yourself to be clever? I will break you for this slight against me.

**dis bear despairs:** lmao good luck with that you Bratz doll lookin ho

**ebony dark'ness: @love on the battlefield** HOW MUCH FOR A HIT ON THIS LITTLE BITCH.

**love on the battlefield:** get me a grande caramel frappachino from Starbucks and we'll call it even.

**egg:** :(

**love on the battlefield:** damnit I can't nvm

**ebony dark'ness:** FINE. I'LL SKIN THE BITCH MYSELF.

**their our know rules:** Why are all of you so violent!?

**dis bear despairs has changed Chihiro Fujisaki's name to headache and t pose.**

**headache and t pose:** I'm sad now :(

**diamond nipples:** AY NO THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT O-FUCKING-K

**egg:** junko please just calm down

**dis bear despairs:** no

**egg:** yes

**dis bear despairs:** no

**egg:** yes

**dis bear despairs:** no

**egg:** ;_;

**Agatha Christie:** _You done fucked up._

**loves kakyoin:** yOU HURT THE EGG

**love on the battlefield:** i finally get to put a bullet through your fucking skull without remorse.

**WANABEEEE:** jESUS

**dis bear despairs:**

**dis bear despairs:** Having all of you gang up against me is

**dis bear despairs:** _really fucking hot._

**their our know rules:** PLEASE STOP

**ebony dark'ness:** Open. The fucking door Junko.

**ebony dark'ness:** Mukuro and I just want to talk to you.

**dis bear despairs:** can't im buttering my biscuit

**diamond nipples:** YOURE WHAT

**its all ogre now:** It's a lie, I see her using her bedsheets to get out her room window.

**dis bear despairs:** YOU FUCKING SNITCH

**scissor me timbers:** maaaaaaaaaasteeeeeeeerrr~~~

**scissor me timbers:** pay attention to meeeeeeeeee

**glucose guardian:** I will allow you to be stepped on if you help Mukuro and Celeste hunt Junko down.

**scissor me timbers:** **cONSIDER IT DONE**

**dis bear despairs:** this uh

**headache and t pose:** have a drone and camera as surveillance! just let me know if you guys lose track of her and i'll help you find her!

**dis bear despairs:** wait

**Agatha Christie:** _You reap what you sow._

**egg:** GUYS YOURE BEING A LITTLE DRAMATIC

**dis bear despairs:** So let me get this straight. Celeste, Mukuro, Ogre, Jack, AND Fujisaki are all after me?

**dis bear despairs:** Woooooooow, I might actually have to try this time~

**egg:** ITS ONLY THE THIRD WEEK OF THE NEW SEMESTER CALM DOWN

**dis bear despairs:** Ugh, leave it alone shorty. Go fuck around with your burn ward waifu and let me have my fun.

**egg:** Excuse you?

**denny's at 3 am:** pROPER GRAMMAR

**egg:** You buffoon, you absolute biscuit.

**egg:** You think you can get away with making fun of Kyoko when she's gone through so much horrible stuff? When she's one of the most intelligent, beautiful, and incredible people I've ever met?

**bootleg miku:** :0 !!!

**loves kakyoin:** Oh damn Kirigiri bluuuuuushinnnnnnn

**Agatha Christie:** _Shush._

**egg:** May I suggest an extracurricular activity Taka?

**their our know rules:** Um, sure?

**egg:** Let's put the fear of God into Junko.

**WANABEEEE:** QWASFKBEOINOBDGHH

**pussy? dont know her:** ALSKFHEOIGRLTSII

**dis bear despairs:** lmao as if taka would allow that. He preaches peace and cooperation to fuckin butter boy all the time.

**their our know rules:**

**their our know rules:** Mondo, would you like to go to the arcade with me? I've never been.

**diamond nipples:** UM

**diamond nipples:** SURE

**headache and t pose:** lmao gay

**diamond nipples:** SHUT

**their our know rules:** Good, let's leave shortly. I sincerely hope nothing beyond my control happens while we're gone.

**their our know rules:** *wink wink*

**dis bear despairs:** yOU FUCKING

**egg:** Mukuro babe

**bootleg miku: :00 !!!!!!!**

**love on the battlefield:** yse

**WANABEEEE:** FUCKIN HUH???

**egg:** Don't be too rough with her, but teach her a lesson :)

**love on the battlefield:[F-I-N-A-L-L-Y.jpeg](https://media2.giphy.com/media/l1AvALOphoaWbxeRa/giphy.gif)**

**WANABEEEE:** WAIT MAKOTO SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU AND MUKURO BEEN DATING???

**egg:** about the exact same time that i was dating kyoko.

**pussy? dont know her:** W H A TTTTTTTTT

**dis bear despairs:** blergh gag barf

**dis bear despairs:** Your taste in women sucks shorty.

**Agatha Christie:** Fuck 'em up babe.

**egg:** eff them up babe!!

**dis bear despairs:** lmao gotta kill your asses again I guess.

**dis bear despairs:** ooH THEY FAST

**loves kakyoin:** i'll make celebration donuts after you guys do your thing!

**dis bear despairs:** HELP ME YOU PIECES OF SHITAJKAEF

**its all ogre now:** _Run rat woman._

**glucose guardian: ~~ _Perish._~~**

**~~~~dis bear despairs:** NOT IF KODAKA HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT

**pussy? dont know her:** fucking who?

**Agatha Christie:** _Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to._

**dennys at 3 am:** mom pick me up im scared 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OG Killing Squad  
> ==========================================================================
> 
> egg: ----- Makoto Naegi
> 
> Agatha Christie: ----- Kyoko Kirigiri
> 
> love on the battlefield: ----- Mukuro Ikusaba
> 
> glucose guardian: ----- Byakuya Togami
> 
> scissor me timbers: ----- Toko Fukawa
> 
> dis bear despairs: -----Junko Enoshima
> 
> loves kakyoin: ----- Aoi Asahina
> 
> denny’s at 3 am: ----- Yasuhiro Hagakure
> 
> WANABEEEE: ----- Leon Kuwata
> 
> bootleg miku: ----- Sayaka Maizono
> 
> ebony dark’ness: ----- Celestia Ludenburg
> 
> pussy? don’t know her: ----- Hifumi Yamada
> 
> its all ogre now: ----- Sakura Ogami
> 
> diamond nipples: ----- Mondo Owada
> 
> their our know rules: ----- Kiyotaka Ishimaru
> 
> headache and t pose: ----- Chihiro Fujisaki


	4. Of Gods and Sex Snakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despacito? Play Emil: Sacrifice.

**Ultimate Disappointments**

**Well-Hung Waifu:**

**Well-Hung Waifu: It's too quiet.**

**Poirot but even cuter:** What's wrong Akamatsu-san?

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Sorry, it's just that it's already noon and nothing strange has happened yet.

**korekihoe shingucci:** I for one welcome the peace.

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Honestly same.

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** I've been working on cosplay commissions and stuff and I really don't need any distractions.

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** Aw, do you need any help? I'd be happy to help you out!!

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Oh I'm good, thank you (:

**Atua is a voyeur:** Angie is surprised that Kokichi and Miu haven't ruined today at all! Truly a blessing from Atua.

**Did I fucking stutter?: _All of you stop right now._**

**Poirot but even cuter:**? What's wrong Maki-san?

**Did I fucking stutter?:** You're going to jinx us if you keep talking shit like "kOkIChI aND miU hAvEnt rUiNeD AnyTHinG."

**Did I fucking stutter?:** _You really want to play those kinds of games?_

**Well-Hung Waifu:** ASKGJHSRLUIGHVALOHSR

**korekihoe shingucci:** She's got a point. Irony has a way of showing itself in the worst possible ways to those who tempt fate.

**cherrypop: @Pantaslut420** WHAT DID YOU DO TO KIIBO

**Did I fucking stutter?:**

**Did I fucking stutter?:** I'm going out with Kaito, you guys clean up the shit you summoned upon this cursed hellhole.

**Brojobs are a thing:** later guys :D

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~: ;_; !!!**

**Poirot but even cuter: @Pantaslut420** Ouma-kun? Did you do something to Kiibo?

**Pantaslut420:** i didn't do anything!!!

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** fuckin DOUBT

**korekihoe shingucci:** I doubt you as well.

**jacobs ladder:** I just got here and i can clearly see that you're lyin bro

**Pantaslut420:** I DIDNT DO ANYTHING!!!

**Bees?:** Gonta scared

**Bees?:** Why does Kiibo want to fight god? D:

**Well-Hung Waifu:** WHAT DID YOU DO

**Pantaslut420:** okay okay okay

**Pantaslut420:** soooooo Kiibo is like, basically new to being, y'know, a normal dude do to him being a robot, right?

**Pantaslut420:** and i recently heard that he's never played a videogame before, like, ever.

**Pantaslut420:** so me being the good friend that i am decided to recommend one of the best videogames that i could think of! pretty innocent stuff.

**Poirot but even cuter:** Okay? 

**Poirot but even cuter:** What did you recommend him?

**Pantaslut420:**

**Pantaslut420:** NieR: Automata.

**jacobs ladder:** _nO_

**korekihoe shingucci:** Oh dear.

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YUO

**cherrypop:** HE WONT STOP CRYING HE JUST FINISHED ROUTE E

**Floppy Disk:** _**2B AND 9S AND A2 DESERVED BETTER THEY"RE HUMAN THEY HAVE EMOTIONS THEIR SACRIFICES WEREN'T IN VAIN FUCK GOD FUCK HIM FUCK RELIGION FUCK FUCK FUCK** _

**Pantaslut420:** LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** YOU UPSET HIM TO THE POINT HES ACTUALLY SWAERING???

**Poirot but even cuter:** **O U M A - K U N**

**Floppy Disk:** _**Am I human? Do I have a soul? Am I as important as the rest of you? If I could just copy my consciousness, making me effectively immortal, will I still be me?** _

**Well-Hung Waifu:** OUMA I AM SO NOT HAPPY WITH YOU

**cherrypop:** mY SON 

**cherrypop:** YOU HURT MY SON

**Bees?:** GONTA VERY WORRIED :(((

**Floppy Disk: _What if I outlive everyone I know and love by not being able to physically age myself? Will I just live on for the rest of time by myself? Am I doomed to be perPETUALLY TRAPPED IN A NEVERENDING SPIRAL OF LIFE AND DEATH???_**

**Poirot but even cuter:** I'm on my way Kiibo!! Just CALM DOWN.

**Floppy Disk: _IS THIS A CURSE? OR SOME KIND OF PUNISHMENT?_**

**Floppy Disk: _I OFTEN THINK ABOUT THE GOD THAT BLESSED US WITH THIS CRYPTIC PUZZLE_**

**Floppy Disk: _AND WONDER IF WE'LL EVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO F U C K I N G KILL HIM_**

**Atua is a voyeur:** ALAIEUGFALUGSLK

**jacobs ladder:** QOWUFGQKAEJHGLISRHJYLJIFD

**Poirot but even cuter:** KIIBO OPEN THE DOOR ITS OKAY

**Well-Hung Waifu: @Mother Goose** Kirumi?

**Mother Goose:** Yes, Kaede-san? How may I be of assistance? 

**Well-Hung Waifu:** If you're not too busy right now do you think you can swing by later and give Kiibo and Saihara some of your earl gray tea? Maybe it'll help him calm down.

**Mother Goose:** Certainly. I will be able to do so shortly.

**Pantaslut420: @Mother Goose** hey mom!!

**Mother Goose:** What.

**cherrypop:** pFFFT

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** fucking blunt lmaoooo

**Pantaslut420:** can you stop by my room real quick before you deliver the tea or whatever? i have a request.

**Mother Goose:** Very well.

**Well-Hung Waifu: @Pantaslut420** YOU BETTER NOT DO ANYTHING TO THAT TEA

**Mother Goose:** You needn't worry, I will be sure that Ouma-san doesn't get his hands on it.

**Pantaslut420:** wow rude

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Thank you beautiful.

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?: 0W0**

**Mother Goose:**

**Mother Goose:** Of course, Kaede-san.

**korekihoe shingucci:** Oh my. Are you, as they say, "making a move" Akamatsu-san?

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** It sounds so weird when you say it like that.

**Well-Hung Waifu:** DONT WORRY ABOUT IT

**Well-Hung Waifu:** **@Poirot but even cuter** Is Kiibo okay!?

**Poirot but even cuter:** No but I'm gonna stay with him and make sure he calms down.

**Poirot but even cuter:** We're just watching cute cat videos on YouTube right now.

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Wholesome.

**Atua is a voyeur:** Shall Angie paint a relaxing picture for Kiibo?

**Poirot but even cuter:** I think he'd like that, thank you :)

**Pantaslut420:** wait how are you watching cat videos we dont have monitors that hook up to YouTube in our rooms

**Poirot but even cuter:** Oh, we're just watching on his laptop.

**Pantaslut420:**

**Pantaslut420:** I see.

**Poirot but even cuter:**?

**jacobs ladder:** lmao he thinks you two are cuddling I guess

**Poirot but even cuter:** Well I mean kinda.

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** WH

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** SAIHARA!?

**Pantaslut420:** ewwww grotie

**Pantaslut420:** who on earth wants to cuddle with a robot or an emo kid :/

**korekihoe shingucci:** You, if my deductions on you are correct Ouma.

== == == == == == ==

**Direct message between Kokichi Ouma and Korekiyo Shinguji**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Kokichi Ouma:** _talk shit again and i'll tell amami-chan about your throat-fucking fetish._

**Korekiyo Shingucci:** OKAY! DEAR LORD, CALM YOURSELF.

== == == == == == ==

**Ultimate Disappointments**

**== == == == == == ==**

**korekihoe shingucci:** Ah, wrong channel.

**jacobs ladder:** all chill

**Atua is a voyeur:** Angie is suspicious as hell but will let this go for now.

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Okay, I think Shuichi has everything handled.

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Crisis averted I guess.

**bobs and veggietales:** uhhhhhh guys?

**bobs and veggietales:** friends?

**bobs and veggietales:** companions?

**dick staring contest:** one day God? just one day? can you not fuck me over for just one. damn. day?

**cherrypop:** jesus christ

**Well-Hung Waifu:** What did you do Miu?

**bobs and veggietales:** okay no one panic

**bobs and veggietales:** but has anyone seen anything

**bobs and veggietales:** uh

**bobs and veggietales:** out of the ordinary

**korekihoe shingucci:** What UNGODLY

**Well-Hung Waifu:** IRUMA IS THT A DILDO WiTH WINGS

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

**Mother Goose:** _Iruma._

**bobs and veggietales:** LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF

**bobs and veggietales:** okay, so you know me and how i am perpetually horny 24/7

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** We know that's literally your entire character archetype.

**bobs and veggietales:** sHUT THE FUCK UP

**bobs and veggietales:** anyway, i made a legit flying sex snake in order for anyone to please themselves on the go whenever they want

**bobs and veggietales:** no need to thank me :^)

**Well-Hung Waifu:** MIU WHY IS IT FLYING AROUND THE COMMON ROOM

**bobs and veggietales:** trial and error for its A.I. to navigate properly

**Mother Goose:** Put it away. It's a distraction and grossly perverse.

**bobs and veggietales:** yeah ya see i cant

**dick staring contest: _WHY NOT?_**

**bobs and veggietales:** kinda had the controller broken by accident

**Well-Hung Waifu: M I U**

**cherrypop:** ITS HEADED TOWARD ME SOMEONE HELP ME I DONT WANT LEWD

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** I'll protect you Himiko!!!

**Atua is a voyeur:** Atua is telling me to sell tickets for Tenko's new match for a high price!

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** DONT YOU DARE

**jacobs ladder:** i'll fund it for shits and giggles lol

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** **D E G E N E R A T E**

**Poirot but even cuter: @Mother Goose** Neither Kiibo nor I want to disrupt you if you're doing anything important, but can we still get that tea?

**Mother Goose:** Of course. I will deliver it shortly. I decided to make some tea cakes as well.

**Well-Hung Waifu:** You're incredible Kirumi.

**Mother Goose:**

**Mother Goose:** Thank you Kaede-san.

**cherrypop:** SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** IM OMW I SWEAR

**Bees?: @Floppy Disk** are you okay Kiibo? ):

**Floppy Disk:** I'm calming down. I apologize for any irritation or stress I've caused.

**Well-Hung Waifu:** It's perfectly fine! Let us know if you need anything at all. We're classmates after all.

**Floppy Disk:** Thank you Akamatsu-san I wi

**Floppy Disk:**

**Floppy Disk:**

**korekihoe shingucci:**? Kiibo?

**Poirot but even cuter: @Pantaslut420** WHAT HAVE YUO DONE

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Oh damnit what happened now.

**Pantaslut420:** lmao i was waiting for that

**Pantaslut420:** i asked Kirumi-chan to wear a see-through black blindfold while she brought the tea to keeboy

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** OH YOU AWFUL LITTLE BITCH

**dick staring contest:** why would that throw off kiibo?

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** BECAUSE KIRUMI SOUNDS JUST LIKE 2B FROM NIER AUTOMATA

**Floppy Disk: _WHAT MAKES A HUMAN HUMAN? WHAT MAKES ME HUMAN? AM I WORTHY OF BEING IN EXISTENCE AS I AM, A TESTAMENT TO HUMANITY PLAYING GOD?_**

**Bees?:** D:

**bobs and veggietales:** YOU RAT WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO KEEBS

**cherrypop:** SOMEONE HELP TENKO THE SNAKE IS FUCKIN WILDIN OUT

**Bees?:** Gonta is on the way!!

**Mother Goose:** I am so sorry about this! I didn't know!

**jacobs ladder:** ouma-kun, not cool.

**korekihoe shingucci:** THE SNAKE IS HEADED TOAKWJFHALKRJH

**Atua is a voyeur:** Does anyone know where Angie's spare awl is? Atua says I need to skin Kokichi like livestock.

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** _IT'S ONLY 12:30._

**Floppy Disk: _AM I DESIGNATED TO SUFFER FOR ETERNITY, TRAPPED IN THIS COLD VESSEL OF STEEL AND IRON, UNABLE TO TRULY UNDERSTAND THE WEIGHT OF ONE'S HUMANITY?_**

**Pantaslut420:[nyeheehee.jpeg](https://media.giphy.com/media/ij8AeeqXKFZm0/giphy.gif)**

**bobs and veggietales:** YOU FUCKING SHIT

**Poirot but even cuter:**

**Poirot but even cuter:** Ouma, I'm very disappointed in you.

**Poirot but even cuter:** I was thinking of inviting you to go to a movie, but I change my mind.

**Pantaslut420:** wAIT NO I TAKE IT BACK

**dick staring contest:** _Phucking Perish._

**Floppy Disk: _AM I JUST A TOOL TO BE USED FOR WAR AND SUFFERING, BRINGING DEATH WITH ME WHEREVER LIFE TAKES ME? DESECRATING THE NATURAL ORDER AND PERPETUATING STRIFE AND DESPAIR ENDLESSLY FOR NO REASON THAN FOR THERE TO BE A REASON FOR ME TO EXIST?_**

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** THE GODDAMN SNASLKEFLKAEGLKGRL

**jacobs ladder:** _wake me up_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ultimate Disappointments   
> ==========================================================================  
> bobs and veggietales ----- Miu Iruma
> 
> korekihoe shingucci ----- Korekiyo Shinguji
> 
> Well-Hung Waifu ----- Kaede Akamatsu
> 
> Did I fucking stutter? ----- Maki Harukawa
> 
> Bees? ----- Gonta Gokuhara
> 
> lesbian? I thought you were japanese? ----- Tenko Chabashira
> 
> Poirot but even cuter ----- Shuichi Saihara
> 
> Pantaslut420 ----- Kokichi Ouma
> 
> Atua is a voyeur ----- Angie Yonaga
> 
> ONII-CHNYAAAN~~ ----- Tsumugi Shirogane
> 
> Floppy-Disk ----- K1-B0
> 
> Brojobs are a thing ----- Kaito Momota
> 
> dick staring contest ----- Ryoma Hoshi
> 
> cherrypop ----- Himiko Yumeno
> 
> Mother Goose ----- Kirumi Tojo
> 
> jacobs ladder ----- Rantaro Amami


	5. P R u N E Y

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comin right back at ya with some **cursed** shit.

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**hope > ketamine: ****@everyone** You guys know how your fingers get all pruney when they get all wet and stuff right?

**hope > ketamine: **And you guys know that the human body is made up of around 70% water.

**hope > ketamine: **My question is, if we had nerves in or on our bones or something, would our bones feel pruney from wearing our skin and muscles and stuff?

**hope > ketamine: **Would my hands feel like they have wet and slimy garden gloves on 24/7?

**hope > ketamine: **Would my feet feel like they're wearing sweaty, sticky sneakers on all day every day?

**little spoon:** YOURE GONNA FEEL MY FIST IN YOUR DAMN FACE FOR SAYING SUCH GOD AWFUL SHIT

**shark kink: @BIG SPOON** _i will pay you to cut my damn head off_

**BiG SPOON:** A murder-suicide sounds lovely after hearing such abhorrent thoughts.

**darkness kink:** ):

**ice kink:** )':

**little spoon:** ;_;

**shark kink:** kIDDING!!!

**BIG SPOON:** Apologies Fuyuhiko!

**banana gremlin: @hope > ketamine **i outta bop you on the damn head fOR @ing EVERYONE THIS CRAP AT 3 IN THE MORNING

**salty god:** Even with my nigh-infinite amount of talents, I cannot convey through any form of media exactly _how fucking done I am right now._

**dink wakka splat:** Why are you all up?

**little spoon:** me and Peko just got back from a job that ran late.

**darkness kink:** Gundham and I are trying to summon an Eldrich horror in the dorm kitchen.

**shark kink:** they're trying to free the octopus that Teruteru wanted to fry up tomorrow for dinner

**ice kink:** I shall free my boneless and fearsome thrall from the Horny One and add him to the Tanaka Empire!

**salty god:** Why are you up **@dink wakka splat**?

**dink wakka splat:** Kicking butt in Apex: Legends.

**salty god:**

**salty god:** How long have you been playing for Chiaki?

**dink wakka splat:** What day is today?

**little spoon:** i've made an executive decision that youve been playing too long

**little spoon:** if YOU HAVE TO ASK WHAT DAMN DAY IT IS

**hope > ketamine:** Leave her be, she's living up to her title of the Ultimate Gamer. It is truly inspirational that Nanami-san is able to be so dedicated and passionate about games of every genre!

**hope > ketamine: **Also, first name basis?

**dink wakka splat:** I can't feel my legs

**darkness kink:** NANAMI-SAN!?

**banana gremlin:** ooooooooooooh jealous or something trashman? 

**hope > ketamine: **Of course not! Just making an observation.

**shark kink:** lmao gay

**salty god:** So why are you up Komaeda?

**hope > ketamine: **No reason, just trouble sleeping.

**hope > ketamine:** Also just curious about our pruney bones and meat suits.

**shark kink:** I SWEAR TO GOD

**snausagelover69:** **@ice kink @darkness kink** YALL BETTER NOT BE TOUCHIN MY dAMN FOODSTUFFS

**banana gremlin:** ew a horny

**snausagelover69:** ew a whore

**little spoon:** ALGHGRRLJRN;LASJDLAJEG

**salty god:** GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda**

== == == == == == ==

**Hajime Hinata:** Sleeping problems?

**Nagito Komaeda:** Yes.

**Hajime Hinata:** Fucking bullshit. Tell me what's up.

**Nagito Komaeda:** Having the Ultimate Hope worry about someone as insignificant as me is truly an honor! I'm not worth the effort!

**Hajime Hinata:**

**Hajime Hinata:** Nope, not having this.

**Nagito Komaeda:** Ah, apologies for wasting your time.

**Hajime Hinata:** I'm gonna make some hot chocolate and we're gonna talk. Not gonna have you talk in self-deprecating circles again and again.

**Nagito Komaeda:** what

== == == == == == ==

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

== == == == == == ==

**BIG SPOON:** Everyone, please go to sleep. We have testing tomorrow.

**shark kink:** wAIT SHIT

**ice kink:** _Not until I free the cephalopod from his prison._

**snausagelover69:** YALL BETTEA NOT TOCUH MY INGREDIENTS I'M MAKIN GOOD SHIT TO EAT TOMORROW

**salty god:** Everyone go to bed or so help me _I will make you._

**salty god: @snausagelover69** I'll get you some replacement ingredients or something just let Gundham have the damn octopus.

**banana gremln:** how you gonna make me go to bed shitlord?

**salty god:**

**darkness kink:**? Why do I hear screaming?

**BIG SPOON:** Oh dear lord what the actual hell **@salty god**

**little spoon:** what the fuck did he do?

**BIG SPOON:** He crawled up the side of the building like a roach looking like an onryo and plastered himself right onto Saionji-san's window.

**shark kink:** WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY BRO

**salty god:** Ultimate Rock Climber + Ultimate SFX Makeup Artist = _your worst nightmare._

**banana gremlin:** THAT WASNT COOL

**banana gremlin:** I THOUGHT THE BITCH FROM THE GRUDGE WAS GONNA SHANGHAI MY ASS

**little spoon:** jesus bro

**salty god: _GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP_**

**hope > ketamine: **Sure thing!

**salty god:** Not you.

**snausagelover69:** do you have a certain reason as to *why* you're not letting Komaeda go to bed~? 

**salty god:** What no 

**salty god:** I mean yeah I do but not like you're suggesting.

**ice kink:** I am suspicious as to your motives...

**tomato go BLPTT:** I wake up from screaming to see that Hiyoko was scared as hell.

**tomato go BLPTT: @salty god** Fuck you.

**salty god:** TALK SHIT AND SHIT WILL HAPPEN

**salty god:** GO TO BED

**tomato go BLPTT:** Okay sure fine

**tomato go BLPTT:** but uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh

**tomato go BLPTT:** Fuck you x 2

**tomato go BLPTT:** [more-hinata-lewds.jpeg](https://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2441894)

**shark kink:** LAWKJFNA;LEKGNSLKJ

**dink wakka splat:** QOFNLAKNRLTLWKNDWAEN

**snausagelover69:** _***very gud~~***_

**little spoon:** ITS TOO LATE TO BE HORNY

**snausagelover69:** ITS NEVER TOO LATE

**darkness kink:** ^^

**ice kink:** _She-devil please._

**salty god:** GODDAMNIT KOIZUMI

**banana gremlin:** GET FUCKED HINATA

**hope > ketamine:** If your pelvis can feel pruney and you get a boner, would it feel like having a warm GoGurt tube attached to you?

**shark kink: S T O P**

**banana gremlin:** GROSS!!!!!!!

**little spoon:** IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU

**dink wakka splat:** _That's enough Komaeda-san._

**salty god: G̵̯̾́͒͘Ő̷̹̼̬̊̎͑̀͝ ̵̢̳͈͚̑T̶̛̞̱̲̒̍̓͜Ȯ̶͓̫̙͌̔̐ ̷̢̖̜͂̐̔B̶̳̫̟̼̤͘E̶̡̼͔͑Ḓ̶̨̛̛̛̗̲͎̖̔͗̐̀͜**

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda**

== == == == == == ==

**Hajime Hinata:** _Not you._

**Hajime Hinata:** I'm heading to your room with hot cocoa and we're talking *now.*

**Nagito Komaeda:** But I 

**Nagito Komaeda:** uh

**Nagito Komaeda:** wait

**Hajime Hinata:** My brain won't shut up until I talk to you and check up on you.

**Hajime Hinata:** Open the fucking door.

**Nagito Komaeda:** PLEASE WAIT 

**Hajime Hinata:** You've got till the count of ten before I get bored and pick the lock.

**Nagito Komaeda:** I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THIS SITUATION

**Hajime Hinata:** 10

**Hajime Hinata:** 9 

**Nagito Komaeda:** IM INDECENT

**Hajime Hinata:** 8

**Nagito Komaeda:** ARENT YOU STILL IN ONRYO MAKEUP ANYWAY?? WE CAN TALK LATER

**Hajime Hinata:** I already cleaned up, like, instantly. 

**Hajime Hinata:** Ultimate Bullshit, remember?

**Hajime Hinata:** 7

**Nagito Komaeda:** OKAY FINE 

**Nagito Komaeda:** ONE SEC

\+ + + + + + +

When Nagito finally got around to getting the door open, Hajime was greeted with a rare sight: a rather underdressed and fidgety Nagito, in nothing but his usual t-shirt and lucky boxers. At least the crazy bed-head hair was the same. Schooling his features into a calm and neutral expression via his Ultimate Actor talent, Hajime asked,

"Uh, you gonna let me in?"

Nagito, still a bit anxious, silently allowed him into the room. It occurred to Hajime that this was the first time that he has been in Nagito's room, so he began to take in his surroundings.

The dorm room was abnormally plain and tidy. The room seemed to be more akin to that of a hotel room than a place where someone actually lived. There was a twin bed shoved into a corner, a plain desk located close by, and a dresser. The walls were completely bare and white, and there was a total absence of electronics. Oddly enough, there were no signs of dust or hair. This place reminded Hajime more of a room in a convent or psych ward than a university student's room; a place devoid of life and joy.

Not allowing any betrayal of emotion, Hajime crossed over to the desk and set down one of the two mugs of hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and caramel he brought and moved over to the bed and he sat down. Nagito made a little odd squeak, but other than that he remained silent. Hajime quirked an eyebrow and motioned to the desk chair silently. Getting the hint, the other boy moved quietly to the desk and sat down as well.

"..."

"..."

"...So are you gonna drink it or just let it sit there?"

"Oh! Uh, yeah. My apologies."

After a moment's hesitation, Nagito grabbed the mug and tentatively took a small sip.

"Oh wow, this is really good," he muttered. "This isn't particularly sweet, which I like."

"Glad to hear it. I know that you prefer salty and savory stuff instead, so I made sure to not add too much sugar."

"Why hot chocolate of all things?" Nagito asked.

"Chocolate, or in this case dark chocolate, has a variety of benefits," Hajime explained matter-of-factly. "It's high in nutrients like flavanols, which help with depression; as well as chemical compounds known as polyphenols, which help you in particular especially."

"Why me especially?"

After a beat or two of silence, the genius looked Nagito dead in the eye and responded.

"Polyphenols are really good at fighting cancer."

The (un)lucky boy paled and looked away, preferring to stare into his mug. He scowled and said in a strained voice,

"Apologies if I confused you, the Ultimate Hope, in any way, shape, or form in the simulation. As I said, that was just something that I picked up in a book to mislead you."

"Bullshit. With my talents back, I can see quite clearly that you were being honest with me."

"Be careful," Nagito sneered, "your Kamukura is showing."

Hajime remained unfazed, calmly drinking his cocoa and analyzing the boy in front of him. Another couple of sips and he had decided.

"I'm gonna help you."

"...Huh?"

"Please don't tell me your hearing is going too. I said I was gonna help you."

"..."

"I'm gonna cure your lymphoma and reverse your frontal-temporal dementia."

"..."

"..."

"...Why?" he asked in a small voice.

"Because I want to," Hajime replied simply.

"...I-" 

All of a sudden, Hajime gave Nagito a quick kick to the shin.

"Ow! What was that for!?"

"You were going to say something stupid like 'I'm not worth the effort' or something," he said in an unamused voice.

Back in the simulation, Nagito Komaeda _always_ had the upper hand in dealing with Hajime Hinata. He could lie, twist the truth, and use complex logic to outmaneuver him in conversations *and* Class Trials. This isn't the case now. No matter what he could say or do now, Nagito would always be found out and understood by the matured Hajime Hinata.

"...Sounds like you're going to help me regardless of whether I want you to or not."

Hajime threw back his mug and downed the rest of his drink. When he finished, Nagito noticed that the other had a whipped cream mustache left on his upper lip. ( _Cute._ ) Hajime gave a goofy grin and said in a cheerful voice,

"Obviously!"

Nagito felt at that moment something that he's been feeling a lot whenever he looks at the Ultimate Hope, but one-hundred-thousand times stronger.

Nagito Komaeda was madly in love with Hajime Hinata.

(Go fuckin figure.)

"So what had you so upset that you couldn't sleep?" Hajime asked, licking his upper lip clean.

After a moment or two of staring, Nagito blinked and looked away, responding,

"I, uh, honestly forgot? When you came in here with drinks I completely forgot what was wrong, I was so nervous."

"Why were you nervous?" Hajime said with a curious expression.

With a dry look on his face, Nagito replied,

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm in my underwear."

"Oh, I definitely noticed. I'm just glad that you're actually wearing something. Remember that time we went to the beach during some free time and you told me that you wouldn't mind if I saw you naked?"

Nagito, in Hajime's opinion, started to resemble a tomato with how red he was getting. In embarrassment, Nagito also followed suit in finishing his cocoa quickly. When done, he said, in an uncharacteristically loud voice,

"SO, UM. THANKS FOR THE DRINK ILLSEEYOUAROUNDIFYOUDONTMIND."

Amused, Hajime decided to push this a liiiiiiiittle bit further.

"By the way, this is totally unrelated and it might not be the best time, but you wanna go out?"

"HUH!?" 

"I said-"

"I HEARD!" Nagito said in a voice that was up a few octaves. "But, um, why me, specifically?"

Hajime gave him a look that said 'really?', stood up and explained.

"You like me enough to commission a couple _hundred_ pictures of me drawn in fucking porn (Nagito looked both guilty and even redder than Hajime thought possible) and you already basically confessed to me in the simulation with the whole 'I'm in love with your hope' spiel. If anything, I'm just now responding to your feelings; and, quite frankly, I think you're really attractive."

Nagito looked like a deer in headlights, and Hajime found himself walking closer and bending down to look the other in the face. He leaned in close and asked in a whisper,

"So, what do you think? Wanna be boyfriends?"

The (now _very_ ) lucky boy felt like he was going to explode and die on the spot. He gave a series of quick little nods of the head enthusiastically, not trusting his voice at the moment.

Hajime flashed a smile and followed with, 

"Great! Oh, by the way, you got something right here."

He pointed to a corner of Nagito's mouth that had a small amount of whipped cream left.

Before Nagito could react, Hajime closed the distance and _licked_ the corner of the other boy's mouth. In the next moment, Hajime had gathered the two mugs and headed towards the door.

"Well, anyway, I'm going to leave you alone now. We do have testing tomorrow, as Pekoyama said. Also, you should, uh, take care of that."

Hajime pointed bluntly to Nagito's growing erection, outlined by his boxers. Nagito was absolutely certain that he was going to spontaneously combust from a mixture of embarrassment, arousal, and giddiness. He pulled his shirt down and pressed down on his crotch.

"Okay!" he squeaked out, voice breaking at the end. "See you tomorrow? I guess?"

Hajime gave a little smirk (and Nagito felt like dying _again_ ) and said,

"Yeah. Sleep well, Nagito."

And with that, he opened the door and silently shut it behind him.

Nagito Komaeda, however, walked stiffly to his bed. He threw himself on it, grabbed his pillow, and started screaming into it while kicking his legs in the air.

\+ + + + + + +

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

== == == == == == ==

**hope > ketamine: **hajime doesnt play fair

**dink wakka splat:** FIRST NAME BASIS???

**snausagelover69: _*****very_ _gud~~~~****_ _*_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"  
> ==========================================================================
> 
> salty god: ----- Hajime Hinata
> 
> hope > ketamine: ----- Nagito Komaeda
> 
> dink wakka splat: ----- Chiaki Nanami
> 
> little spoon: ----- Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu
> 
> BIG SPOON: ----- Peko Pekoyama
> 
> banana gremlin: ----- Hiyoko Saionji
> 
> tomato go BPLTT: ----- Mahiru Koizumi
> 
> shots shots shots: ----- Mikan Tsumiki
> 
> darkness kink: ----- Sonia Nevermind
> 
> ice kink: ----- Gundham Tanaka
> 
> shark kink: ----- Kazuichi Soda
> 
> hanging by a thread: ----- Ibuki Mioda
> 
> food & tiddies: ----- Akane Owari
> 
> bara tiddies & shit: ----- Nekomaru Nidai
> 
> snausagelover69: ----- Teruteru Hanamura
> 
> copykebab: ----- Byakuya Twogami / Imposter
> 
> ==========================================================================
> 
> Please let me know if this chapter's "real life" section was well written or not! I appreciate any and all feedback from all readers!
> 
> (I do not own any artwork showcased in this fic. I don't have the talent, lol.)


	6. DiGiorno AND Delivery!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pizza, but the delivery scene from the Breaking Dawn, Part I (rest in fucking pieces Stephanie Meyers career.)
> 
> You're welcome :)

**OG Killing Squad**

**Agatha Christie:** One day.

 **Agatha Christie:** I just want one day where I don't have to wake up and see you guys acting like actual children.

 **scissor me timbers:** Oh God, who did what this time?

 **scissor me timbers:** Not that I'd actually try and help. I just want to know if I can safely go to the cafeteria and back without dealing with idiots.

 **it's all ogre now:** Someone decided to replace all of the arrows used by the archery club in the dojo with vibrators.

 **pussy? don't know her:** WHAT??

 **loves kakyoin:** WHO TF???

 **denny's at 3 am:** would vibrators zig-zag in midair or something when fired from a bow?

**love on the battlefield: no, they fucking wouldn't.**

**dis bear despairs:** Goooooooooooood Mooooooooooorniiiiiiiing~!

 **glucose guardian:** Disgusting.

 **their our know rules:** Junko

 **their our know rules:** Did you mess with the archery club's equipment?

 **dis bear despairs:** lmao no

 **dis bear despairs:** I know who did though ;)

 **bootleg miku:** GIVE ME A NAME

 **bootleg miku:** I WOKE MY ASS UP FOR ARCHERY PRACTICE AROUND 5:00 ONLY FOR IT TO BE CANCELLED DUE TO SOME DUMB KINKY BASTARD

 **their our know rules:** Maizono-san!?

 **diamond nipples:** lmao what happened to wanting to protect your reputation or whatever?

 **bootleg miku:** FUCK IT I NEED SLEEP

 **bootleg miku:** COFFEE

 **bootleg miku:** _AND A HEAD ON A PIKE_

 **WANABEEEE:** jESUS CHILL

 **bootleg miku:** **N O**

 **WANABEEEE:** i'll make you coffee

 **bootleg miku:** okay

 **dis bear despairs:** ew heteros

 **love on the battlefield:** YOU UNORIGINAL CUNT YOU HAVE A BF

 **dis bear despairs:** Annnnnnnnnnywaaaaaaaaay, wanna know who did it **@** **Agatha Christie @bootleg miku ?**

 **Agatha Christie:** Sure.

**bootleg miku: ~~ _Y E S_~~**

**dis bear despairs:** It was egg boy lol

 **Agatha Christie:** WHAT.

 **love on the battlefield:** YOU BEST NOT BE LYING 

**bootleg miku:** THERES NO FUCKING WAY

 **dis bear despairs: @** **egg** Did you mess with the archery room equipment yes or no?

 **egg:** oh yeah that was me

 **Agatha Christie:** Makoto. 

**bootleg miku:** Makoto where u at?

 **bootleg miku:** Just :) wanna talk :)

 **love on the battlefield:** MAKOTO WHY????

 **it's all ogre now:** Impossible. I don't believe it.

 **egg:**? whats wrong?

 **egg:** i just put massagers in the lockers like I was asked to

 **diamond nipples:** massagers??

 **egg:** yeah! they asked me to put some massagers in the lockers and take out the arrows to put them in the storage room for maintenance 

**egg:** they said the archery club was to take a break and use the massagers to loosen up or something :p

 **pussy? don't know her:** _N-nya~~_

**dis bear despairs has muted pussy? don't know her for 8 hours. Reason: fugly hamtaro incel lookin ass**

**ebony dark'ness:** Thank you Junko.

 **ebony dark'ness:** You made this chat ten times more bearable.

 **egg:** D:

 **egg:** did yamada do something wrong?

 **loves kakyoin:** don't worry about it

 **loves kakyoin:** bUT WHY DID YOU PUT VIBRATORS IN THE ARCHERY CLUB LOKCERS???

 **egg:** vibrator?

 **Agatha Christie:** I already solved it.

 **love on the battlefield:** please tell my dumb ass i need to know what is happening

 **dis bear despairs:** Oh, you finally admitted that you're stupid? Took you long enough.

 **love on the battlefield:** when are you gonna admit you're a little bitch?

 **Agatha Christie:** _Anyways._

 **Agatha Christie:** Makoto, do you know what a vibrator is?

 **egg:** uh yeah? it's the thing where you put it on your back and you rub knots out of your shoulders and stuff

 **egg:** why?

 **WANABEEEE:** oH NO

 **bootleg miku:** I GET IT NOW

 **diamond nipples:** lmao he didn't know what a vibrator was??

 **glucose guardian:** Not entirely out of character I suppose.

 **their our know rules:** um

 **their our know rules:** What exactly did Naegi-kun put in the lockers?

 **headache and t pose:** mondo, explain it to them lol

 **diamond nipples:** FUJISAKI

 **dis bear despairs:** lmao yeah Mondo

 **dis bear despairs:** You are the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader

 **dis bear despairs:** You've got plenty of experience **riding** looooots of things, yeah?

 **WANABEEEE:** ALWHFLSRKGSHALKSRHGLKJGA

 **diamond nipples:** I SWEAR TO GOD

 **their our know rules:** Mondo, what is a vibrator?

 **diamond nipples:** UHHHHHH

 **scissor me timbers:** hahaahhfaijbhahahaha fuckin dumbasses

 **scissor me timbers:** its something taht you shove up your ass or vag to get off and cum

 **scissor me timbers:** really hot when cute boys do it lololol

 **glucose guardian:** Die.

 **Agatha Christie:** Thank you for being so _goddamn blunt Jack._

 **egg:** W H A T

 **their our know rules:** D:

 **their our know rules:** Wait. Mondo do you have one of those, um, vibrators?

 **headache and t pose:** lmao yeh

 **diamond nipples:** F U J I S A K I

 **egg:** IM SO SORRY I DIDNT KONW I SWEAR

 **love on the battlefield:** can confirm, hes literally upset and shaking

 **love on the battlefield:** which means the one who set him up better step the FUCK up before I make the bombing of Hiroshima look like a _**FUCKING JOKE**_

 **dennys at 3 am:** please no

 **loves kakyoin:** <_<;;;

 **dis bear despairs:** bet

**love on the battlefield:**

**headache and t pose:** **WHY DOES MUKURO HAVE UNITED STATES NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES**

**headache and t pose: AND WHY DOES SHE WANT ME TO HACK INTO CLASSIFIED SERVERS**

**love on the battlefield:** s n i t c h

 **dis bear despairs:** oop, forgot about that lol

 **bootleg miku:** WHAT THE HELL?!!??

 **WANABEEE:** HOW????? THE FUCK DO YOU CASUALLY HAVE THOSE???????

 **dis bear despairs:** Dared her to break into a nuclear research facility in the US on a whim.

 **dis bear despairs:** Too bad she didn't get killed lol

 **Agatha Christie:** Why *exactly* did you take up the dare, Mukuro? 

**love on the battlefield:** listen

 **love on the battlefield:** i wanted to see what was inside. i'm the Ultimate Soldier and a war nut

 **love on the battlefield:** wHAT IF THEY HAD A METAL GEAR

 **dennys at 3 am:** QWDHAKJFHLGLSRKHDTSA

 **Agatha Christie:** _Who set you up_ **@egg**

 **egg:** ;_;

 **egg:** snitching is bad ;_;

 **bootleg miku:** Makoto, I'll give you whatever you want.

 **bootleg miku:** JUST. GIVE ME A NAME.

**egg:**

**egg:** IM SO SORRY CELESTE

 **WANABEEEE:** FUCKING WHAT

 **it's all ogre now:** CELESTE?!

 **ebony dark'ness:** S N I T C H

**egg: ;_; !!!!!!!!**

**love on the battlefield:** LETS FUCKING GO **@bootleg miku**

 **bootleg miku:** Celeste, dear?

 **bootleg miku:** **_I'M ABOUT TO SKIN YOUR ASS RAW_ **

**headache and t pose:** dear god

 **ebony dark'ness:** WAIT WAIT WAIT

 **ebony dark'ness:** I HAD A BET TO SEE IF I COULD MANIPULATE SOMEONE INTO DOING IT I PROMISE

 **diamond nipples:** with who? tf?

 **ebony dark'ness: @scissor me timbers** YOU BETTER HAVE MY MONEY

 **scissor me timbers:** lmao yeah no biggie

 **glucose guardian:** Absolutely. Disgusting.

 **scissor me timbers:** _N-nya~~~~!!!! more abuse master~~~!!!!!_

**dis bear despairs has muted scissor me timbers for 4 hours. Reason: i'm bored and this is suitable enough punishment gecko fucker**

**glucose guardian:** Thank you Junko.

 **dis bear despairs:** yeah yeah no prob anYWAY

 **dis bear despairs:** i just came up with something sweet and fun for the whole group to enjoy!

 **loves kakyoin:** doubt

 **WANABEEEE:** HARD doubt

 **dis bear despairs:** *ahem*

 **love on the battlefield:** did you deadass type you clearing your throat?

 **dis bear despairs:** shut up

 **dis bear despairs:** Don't you have a kinky serial killer to catch?

 **love on the battlefield:** fair

 **bootleg miku:** SHE WENT IN THE VENT

 **egg:** who?? jack or mukuro???

 **bootleg miku:** YES

 **dis bear despairs:** I call this piece "Pizza Sex."

 **loves kakyoin:** OH NO

 **it's all ogre now:** Stop.

 **dis bear despairs:** _"I know what you're thinking. Pizza before sex is a bad idea!"_

 **their our know rules:** Mondo I'm scared.

 **dis bear despairs:** _"And you'd be right, only we're not talking about pizza before sex at all...._

 **dis bear despairs:** _.... we're talking about during,"_

 **Agatha Christie:** _ That's enough now. _

**dis bear despairs:** _"Picture this: (S)he's splayed on her back and you set the pie right down there on his/her belly. That way, when you're going at it, you can just pick up a slice and go to town, no extra plates needed."_

 **headache and t pose:** someone hold me i cant even

 **dis bear despairs:** _"The rocking motion causes tantalizing friction with the granulated bottom surface of the pie, stimulating multiple erogenous zones. In fact, the more crispy the pizza, the better this effect."_

 **loves kakyoin:** mY EYES

 **dis bear despairs:** _"It's like the soft grit of a hair-covered lover, but instead of stinking of body odor and dirt it instead smells of heavenly garlic, cheese, and tomato sauce with the faint addition of freshly baked bread."_

 **dis bear despairs:** _"The oil and grease that drips down from the pie gives you an excuse to run your tongue all over your partner, and can act as excellent lube in a pinch."_

 **their our know rules:** JUNKO PLEASE

 **dis bear despairs:** _"Pepperoni slices placed on your partner's taint can provide an excellent tingling sensation if they are at the right level of spicy (note: do not get spicy pepperoni.)"_

 **diamond nipples:** I SWEAR ON ANY AND EVERY DEITY I WILL END YOU

 **dis bear despairs:** _"Nine months later..._

 **dis bear despairs:** _"...(s)he's got one in the oven, and you're there at their side."_

**glucose guardian has left OG Killing Squad.**

**dis bear despairs has added glucose guardian to OG Killing Squad.**

**glucose guardian:** I'm putting a fucking bounty on your head.

 **dis bear despairs:** _"This was just supposed to be a one-night stand, neither of you wanting the commitment, but it's sobered you up a lot. You've grown up, and so have they. The timing feels right, and you savor rising to the challenge."_

 **dis bear despairs:** _"You're ready now."_

 **egg: @Agatha Christie** i need you to hold me please

 **egg: @love on the battlefield** you too whenever you get back ;_;

 **Agatha Christie:** On my way.

 **dis bear despairs:** _"The doctor goes in between the legs and the midwives yell for the mother to push. There's shouting and screaming and crying, and then it happens."_

 **dis bear despairs:** _"There's a *ding* and the scent of tomato fills the air."_

 **dis bear despairs:** _"It wasn't delivery..._

 **dis bear despairs:** _"It was DiGiorno's."_

 **WANABEEEE:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **bootleg miku:** WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING

 **dennys at 3 am:** i cant ever eat pizza ever again for as long as i live

**it's all ogre now: I'm going to chop you in half.**

**dis bear despairs:** _"You take a warm, gooey, cheesy bite out of your own son, like Kronos devouring his children in myths of old. You reflect on your life there in that moment in the hospital waiting room."_

 **dis bear despairs:** _"That was no L... it was the greatest W of your life so far."_

 **dis bear despairs:** _"You're ready for your next greatest adventure."_

 **dis bear despairs:** Aaaaaaaaaaand scene! Whatcha guys think???

 **headache and t pose: @love on the battlefield** SEND ME THE CODES I'M NUKING ALL OF JAPAN AND THE SURROUNDING CONTINENTS

 **their our know rules:** Wait, but men can't get pregnant. That contradicts earlier passages referring to either/or a man or woman.

 **dis bear despairs:** Chest-burster, but out the ass.

 **diamond nipples:** _**THATS ENOUGH** _ __

**ebony dark'ness:** Technically, it would have been *both* a delivery and DiGiorno's, yes?

**dis bear despairs:[open-up-*cronch*.png](https://i.pinimg.com/236x/f0/01/90/f00190b5447cf555467dbb4f0b469a09--funny-pizza-pizza-humor.jpg)**

**loves kakyoin:** NOASGLIRPOIWDDAMSNCZX

 **Agatha Christie:** **_Just one day. Please?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OG Killing Squad  
> ==========================================================================  
> egg: ----- Makoto Naegi
> 
> Agatha Christie: ----- Kyoko Kirigiri
> 
> love on the battlefield: ----- Mukuro Ikusaba
> 
> glucose guardian: ----- Byakuya Togami
> 
> scissor me timbers: ----- Toko Fukawa
> 
> dis bear despairs: -----Junko Enoshima
> 
> loves kakyoin: ----- Aoi Asahina
> 
> denny’s at 3 am: ----- Yasuhiro Hagakure
> 
> WANABEEEE: ----- Leon Kuwata
> 
> bootleg miku: ----- Sayaka Maizono
> 
> ebony dark’ness: ----- Celestia Ludenburg
> 
> pussy? don’t know her: ----- Hifumi Yamada
> 
> its all ogre now: ----- Sakura Ogami
> 
> diamond nipples: ----- Mondo Owada
> 
> their our know rules: ----- Kiyotaka Ishimaru
> 
> headache and t pose: ----- Chihiro Fujisaki


	7. Questions. Are. ANSWERED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one is safe
> 
> safe from the bullshit that is the all-seeing eyes of Junko Enoshima.

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between K1-B0 and Miu Iruma**

**== == == == == == ==**

**K1-B0:** Iruma-san, are you there?

 **Miu Iruma:** eyyy whats good keebs

 **K1-B0:** I um

 **K1-B0:** need your help with something.

 **Miu Iruma:** anything for you babyyyy

 **K1-B0:** Um

 **K1-B0:** I would

 **K1-B0:** like to be more human.

 **Miu Iruma:** the fuck? why tho?

 **Miu Iruma:** being human is so damn inconvenient

 **K1-B0:** Well I might be silly for thinking of something like this all of a sudden, but...

 **K1-B0:** I don't want to be alone.

 **K1-B0:** I want to be able to do stuff that you guys do, like eat and cry and

 **K1-B0:** kiss

 **K1-B0:** and stuff.

 **K1-B0:** Sorry, this probably seems stupid. My apologies.

 **Miu Iruma:** nah fuck that

 **Miu Iruma:** this sounds actually really interesting for a badass genius like me lol

 **Miu Iruma:** fuck yeah dude, imma make you a badass robot/android

 **Miu Iruma:** at least more than you are already

 **K1-B0:** Iruma-san!! ;_;

 **Miu Iruma:** i can probably use research done by that Ultimate Neurologist dude and Ultimate Programmer trap

 **Miu Iruma:** that said tho

 **Miu Iruma:** i have ONE CONDITION

 **K1-B0:** Name it! I'll do anything to be like everyone else!

 **Miu Iruma:** aaaaaaanythiiiiiinggg~~??? ;))))

== == == == == == ==

**Ultimate Disappointments**

== == == == == == ==

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Has anyone seen Kiibo and Miu lately? It's their turn to do dishes.

 **Poirot but even cuter:** I was wondering the same thing actually.

 **Pantaslut420:** oh yeaaaah!! they decided to elope since theyre both stupid fucks, being hunted by the Bosnian mafia!!

 **Poirot but even cuter:** Ouma-kun, don't be mean.

 **Pantaslut420:** who cares anyway lol

 **Pantaslut420: @Floppy-Disk @bobs and veggietales** go commit appendix burst

 **Bees?:** NO!!! D:

**Junko Enoshima has added Junko Enoshima to Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Junko Enoshima has taken Admin rights from Poirot but even cuter and Mother Goose.**

**Junko Enoshima: @everyone** H-HEWWO???

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** WH

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** WHO????

 **korekihoe shingucci:** Has the chat been hacked!?

 **dick staring contest:** who the fuck

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmaooooo you guys are suuuuuperrrrrr cute!!!

 **Junko Enoshima:** Ask the Cosplayer, Detective, Mage, Robot, and Assassin who I am =3=

 **jacobs ladder:** uhhhh guys shuichi burst into tears

 **jacobs ladder:** I mean its not *completely* out of the ordinary for him but i am one (1) whole concern rn

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** I'M GETTING MY GOD DAMN ANTI-TANK RIFLE

 **cherrypop:** TENKO SNAP HER FUCKING NECK

 **Atua is a voyeur:** Atua says he'd like an explanation before we go apeshit, please??

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Uh oh.

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Hey Junko!

 **Junko Enoshima:** ey girl~

 **Junko Enoshima:** Anyway, hi everyone!! I'm Junko Enoshima, the Ultimate Fashionista and your senpai uwuwuwuwuwuwu

 **Junko Enoshima:** I'm also the one who maaaaaaaaaaaay have created the Killing Game Simulations and Monokuma.

 **Junko Enoshima:** You're welcome :)

 **Brojobs are a thing:** WHAT!?!??!!

 **Pantaslut420:** great, i have a new favorite blonde bitch to punk now instead of miu 

**Junko Enoshima:** Too bad almost all of you guys died before the reveal lol

 **Junko Enoshima:** n00bz

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** skedaddle

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** skedoken

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?: @Junko Enoshima** _**YOUR NECK GON BE BROKEN** _

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** IYAOFHAJEGLKSRJJNAKJFB

 **Pantaslut420:** SKSKSKSK

 **korekihoe shingucci:** Silence, bottom.

 **Pantaslut420:** square up skinny penis

 **jacobs ladder:** its not tho

 **cherrypop:** what

 **korekihoe shingucci:** what

 **jacobs ladder:** what

**Junko Enoshima has changed 14 names.**

**Junko Enoshima:** Squirm, and know despair.

 **Kinkiest in Class:** W H A T

 **Uses Vents to Travel through School:** You *want* to die it seems :)

 **Has no Gag Reflex:** OH YOU FUCKING CUMDUMP WHORE

 **Has a Tongue Piercing:** HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

 **Has a Belly Button Piercing:** I WANT TO KNOW THAT TOO

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmao yeah so I'm the best mastermind out there because I'm the Ultimate Analyst on top of being the Ultimate Fashionista.

 **Junko Enoshima:** I know everything about anything.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Its sooooooooooooo FUCKING BORING

 **IQ of 257:** I'd rather not have everyone know about this Junko.

 **Junko Enoshima:** blah blah don't care

 **Junko Enoshima:** Guess who each person is and I'll turn the names back d:

 **Thought the Earth was flat:** wait why didn't you change Kiibo and Iruma's names?

 **Thought the Earth was flat:** ALSO I KNOW BETTER NOW I PROMISE IM NOT STUPID

 **Junko Enoshima:** Oh, they aren't playing since Miu is giving Astroboy a dick lol

 **Has no Gag Reflex:** LAKJDGF;LAGEHZLRXJGS

**Kinkiest in Class: _WHAAAATTTT_**

**Junko Enoshima:** Oh x 2

 **Junko Enoshima:** Miu's embarrassing fact is that she's never been kissed once lol

 **Junko Enoshima:** There, done. Start guessing before I get bored again.

 **Loves Plushies:** Fuck you why don't you piss off.

 **Loves Plushies:** ALSO HOW

 **Junko Enoshima:** Because you're all sooooooo fun to tease~!

 **Junko Enoshima:** And because I'll share worse stuff than this with everyone if you don't play :)

 **Found out what a meme is a week ago:** Very well, let's get this out of the way.

 **Found out what a meme is a week ago:** Hi, yes, it's Kirumi.

**Junko Enoshima has changed Found out what a meme is a week ago's name to Mother Goose.**

**Mother Goose:** I apologize for not being well-versed in internet culture.

 **Has a Belly Button Piercing:** Aw, it's okay!

 **Mother Goose:** Thank you, Kaede-san.

 **Has a Belly Button Piercing:** No problem!

 **Has a Belly Button Piercing:** WAIT DAMNIT

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmao dumbass

**Junko Enoshima has changed Has a Belly Button Piercing's name to Well-Hung Waifu.**

**Mother Goose:** There's nothing wrong with having a belly button piercing, Kaede-san.

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Well, I guess we can just out ourselves and save us the trouble of playing this dumb game?

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Who's with me!? :D

 **Had a Furry phase:** i'm gonna pass 

**Has a Tramp Stamp:** uhhhh same

 **Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room:** _thats a no from me_

**Stuck Their Dick in a Beehive: ;_;**

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Dear god

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Well uh, Shuichi? Care to do your detective thing?

**Well-Hung Waifu:**

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Guess not.

 **Mother Goose:** No worries, Kaede-san. I will assist you in figuring out who is who.

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Okay, uh

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Could everyone sound off?

 **Kinkiest in Class:** Here.

 **Has no Gag Reflex:** Here!!

 **Loves Plushies:** Here, unfortunately.

 **Had a Furry Phase:** here...

 **Uses Vents to Travel through School:** Here!

 **Has a Tramp Stamp:** here

 **Stuck Their Dick in a Beehive:** here D:

 **IQ of 257:** Here as well.

 **Has a Tongue Piercing:** Here.

 **Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room:** here physically, but not mentally.

 **Thought the Earth was flat:** mood

 **Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ:** mood

 **Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ:** GOD DAMNIT

 **Kinkiest in Class:** GUYS PLEASE

 **IQ of 257:** Oh, I know who that is lol

 **Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ:** _**S H U T** _

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Um, okay.

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Let's try and get some of the tamer ones out of the way then.

 **Well-Hung Waifu: @Loves Plushies** Why are you upset by your username? It's a pretty cute trait?

 **Loves Plushies:** Not any of your concern, Akamatsu.

 **Mother Goose:** Hello Harukawa-san.

 **Loves Plushies:** I'm not Harukawa.

**Junko Enoshima has changed Loves Plushies' name to Did I fucking stutter?.**

**Junko Enoshima:** lmao nice try 

**Did I fucking stutter?:** _GOD DAMNIT_

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Nice going Kirumi!

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** How'd you know?

 **Mother Goose:** Harukawa-san usually refers to others in a blunt manner and is confrontational.

 **Mother Goose:** She's also the only one I would think would be suitably embarrassed by that fact being known.

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Shush.

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Wow, you're as good of a detective as Shuichi, Kirumi!

**Well-Hung Waifu:**

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Still not taking any bait I see -_-

 **Thought the Earth was flat:** wait?? you like plushies maki roll??

 **Thought the Earth was flat:** thats great!! my grandma loves making some by hand. we can get you one next time we head over :D

 **Kinkiest in Class:** KAITO???

**Thought the Earth was flat:**

**Thought the Earth was flat:** shit

**Junko Enoshima has changed Thought the earth was flat's name to Brojobs are a thing.**

**Has a Tongue Piercing:** Explain, please.

 **Has no Gag Reflex:** he's a dumbass theres no need for any other explanation

 **Brojobs are a thing:** WAIT PELASE

 **Had a Furry Phase:** pelase

 **Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room:** pelase

 **Brojobs are a thing:** S H U S H

 **Brojobs are a thing:** i only thought that the earth was flat back when I was like 5 I swear

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** YOURE THE ULTIMATE ASTRONAUT

 **Has no Gag Reflex:** hes also stupid dont forget

 **Has no Gag Reflex:** maki a moronsexual confirmed

**Did I fucking stutter?: _Do you want to die?_**

**Well-Hung Waifu:** WAIT

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Is **@Has no Gag Reflex** Ouma???

 **Has no Gag Reflex:** lmao nah

 **Junko Enoshima:** :)

**Junko Enoshima has changed Has no Gag Reflex's name to Pantaslut420.**

**Pantaslut420:** FUcK OFF YOU BIMBO

 **Junko Enoshima:** Get cucked grape rat.

 **IQ of 257:** AKJEHFALHSLGKHLKSHDF

 **Pantaslut420:** i'm :))) going to destroy you :)))

 **Junko Enoshima:** B E T

 **Mother Goose:** _Anyway._

 **Mother Goose:** How do you know that Ouma-san doesn't have a gag reflex?

 **Junko Enoshima:** Oh yeah, he's practiced since he was like 12 on toothbrushes and stuff to not have a gag reflex.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Recently got a dildo to practice on lololol

 **Kinkiest in Class;** _**wHAAATT** _

**Pantaslut420:** YOU 

**Pantaslut420: ARE**

**Pantaslut420: ~~ _Ḑ̶̡̘̪̲̟̑̓̄̈́͘͜È̵̢̛̈́̓͛͝Ã̸̡͉͙̲̖̱͐̍̍Ḑ̴̘̟̼͗͆̍̊̕_~~**

**Has a Tongue Piercing:** Bottom.

 **Pantaslut420:** FUCK OFF SHINGUJI

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** WHAt

 **Has a Tongue Piercing:** HOW DID YOU KNOW

**Junko Enoshima has changed Has a Tongue Piercing's name to korekihoe shingucci.**

**Pantaslut420:** noticed it at your class trial when you finally took off your fuckin bondage mask

 **Uses Vents to Travel through School:** If Kiyo gave Rantaro a bj would it sound like a xylophone because of the piercings?

 **Pantaslut420:** ALKEUGHALJEGHSKJS

 **Had a Furry phase:** QQIWEUFGALKKHGSLHSGHDSG

 **Junko Enoshima:** Dun-dun, dun dun dun-dun!

 **Junko Enoshima:** _Nickelodean~!_

 **Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ:** oH MY GOD

 **Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room:** _ S T O P _

**Did I fucking stutter? has left Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Junko Enoshima has added Did I fucking stutter? to Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Did I fucking stutter?:** Ouma, you have moved down to 2nd on my personal shit list.

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Be thankful.

 **Pantaslut420:** the enemy of my enemy is my friend

 **Pantaslut420:** **for now**

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Okay, so we've got like how many people left?

 **Mother Goose:** Amami-san, Shuichi-san, Yumeno-san, Chabashira-san, Hoshi-san, Yonaga-san, Shirogane-san, and Gokuhara-san.

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Okay, uhhhhh

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Let's try and figure out Yumeno-san first.

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** My money's on either **@Had a Furry phase** or **@Has a Tramp Stamp**.

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Those are the only two that would fit her.

 **Mother Goose:** I agree with that assessment. 

**Pantaslut420:** lmao yeah theres no way its **@Stuck Their Dick in a Beehive** or **@Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ** after all

 **Mother Goose:** Is Yumeno-san **@Had a Furry phase**?

**Had a Furry phase:**

**Had a Furry phase:** IM DIFFERENT NOW I PROMISE

 **IQ of 257:** AKEFGAKEJGHKSGJ

**Junko Enoshima has changed Had a Furry phase's name to cherrypop.**

**cherrypop:** IT WAS BACK WHEN I WAS 14 I WASNT EVEN A PERSON THEN IM SO SORRY

 **Has a Tramp Stamp:** no need to worry Himiko!! its perfectly fine to enjoy that kind of thing if you want!!

 **Pantaslut420:** yiff in hell

 **cherrypop:** WAIT

 **cherrypop:** **@Has a Tramp Stamp** TENKO??????

 **Has a Tramp Stamp:** nooooooooooooooo

**Junko Enoshima has changed Has a Tramp Stamp's name to lesbian? I thought you were japanese?.**

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:**

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** yes :(

 **Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ:** holy shit

 **Pantaslut420:** lmao proves that you havent even gotten to 2nd base with her yet lololololol

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** FUCK O F F

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** WHY DO YOU HAVE A TRAMP STAMP???

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** uhhhhhhh no comment.

 **Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ:** like ouma has any right to talk

 **Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ:** haven't even gotten to first base with two boys lol

**Pantaslut420:**

**Pantaslut420: @Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ** is stupid amami-chan

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** W HAT

 **cherrypop:** NO WAY

 **Junko Enoshima:** ;)

**Junko Enoshima has changed Rides Dick Like a Fucking Champ's name to jacobs ladder.**

**jacobs ladder:** youre banned from my room for a week for that shit bro

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** R A N T A R O

 **jacobs ladder:** I CAN EXPLAIN

 **Junko Enoshima:** He's the Ultimate Adventurer lol

 **Junko Enoshima:** Is it really that surprising that he's had plenty of chances to try out men of all kinds the world over?

 **Stuck Their Dick in a Beehive:** oh D:

 **iQ of 257:** Called it lol

 **korekihoe shingucci:** I'd like to talk to you after this stupid game, Rantaro.

 **korekihoe shingucci:** For research purposes.

 **Mother Goose:** [o-rly?.jpeg](https://media3.giphy.com/media/AgWQwLTByaABsBQ9Zf/giphy.gif?cid=790b76111490cd6c006eed8753a228862a74625393be8d52&rid=giphy.gif)

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** ALKEFAKJEGSLKJD

 **Pantaslut420:** _she's learning_

 **Pantaslut420:** also I know how to get angie at least lol

 **Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room:** wait how

 **Pantaslut420:** fuck Atua, he aint real

**Uses Vents to Travel through School: _Bold words coming from a dead man walking._**

**cherrypop:** THAT WORKED??

**Junko Enoshima has changed Uses Vents to Travel through School's name to Atua is a voyeur.**

**Brojobs are a thing:** why?? do you crawl through vents angie??

 **Atua is a voyeur:** Angie doesn't prefer it worded like that.

 **Atua is a voyeur:** Angie prefers the term "fast traveling."

 **cherrypop:** ladkhksdjgjblahef

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** wair is that that why i keep seeing skyrim door quest markers taped to the vent openings?

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** WHAT

 **Mother Goose:** I was wondering what those were.

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Strong crackhead energy.

 **Atua is a voyeur:** It's pretty fun! Angie scared some upperclassmen the other day when they trespassed on Angie's territory :)

 **IQ of 257:** Dear lord.

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmao that's how I found out about that particular fact.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Imma PayPal you like **¥** 5,000.

 **Atua is a voyeur:** Sweet!!

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Okaaaaay

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Theres only Shuichi, Gonta, Hoshi, and Shirogane left.

 **korekihoe shingucci:** I, unfortunately, think I know who Gonta is.

 **Mother Goose:** I don't want to believe it either.

 **Mother Goose:** My favorite child.

 **Brojobs are a thing:** wait who?

 **Mother** **Goose** :I hope to every deity on the planet that I am wrong, but...

 **Mother Goose: @Stuck Their Dick in a Beehive** Gonta, dear?

 **Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room:** THERES NO FUCKING WAY

 **Atua is a voyeur:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **lesbain? I thought you were japanese?:** NOT MY FAVORITE DEGENERATE

 **Stuck Their Dick in a Beehive:** GONTA SO SORRY

 **Pantaslut420:** AHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAGFIAGALEIUGAKJDHGDKF

**Junko Enoshima has changed Stuck Their Dick in a Beehive's name to Bees?.**

**jacobs ladder:** WE GOT TO CHANGE HIS NICKNAME I CANT LOOK AT IT THE SAME EVER AGAIN

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** This... this truly is a godforsaken timeline.

**Bees?: IT WAS ACCIDENT**

**Junko Enoshima:** lmao no it wasn't

 **Junko Enoshima:** I heard you split that thing open like a watermelon.

 **Junko Enoshima:**[fruit-ninja.mp4](https://i.imgur.com/MkYTuNr.mp4)

**IQ of 257:** LARGLAKEJGS;LHAWLKFEG

 **Kinkiest in Class:** WWAKGULKSHKHGWAJEGR

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** THATS!!! **ENOUGH!!!!!!!**

 **korekihoe shingucci:** All evidence points to yes, Harukawa-san.

 **korekihoe shingucci:** There is no salvation in this timeline.

 **Bees?** IT WAS EMPTY I DIDNT HURT MR AND MRS BEES

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** I'm deleting all of my social media and then myself.

 **Mother Goose:** I guess we will never know who that Beehive one was.

 **Pantaslut420:** it was gonta mom

 **Mother Goose:** No. No, I don't think so. Not at all.

 **cherrypop:** first part of the 5 stages of grief

 **cherrypop:** denial

 **Mother Goose:** Anyway, I believe that **@Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room** is Hoshi-san.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Correct!!!

**Junko Enoshima has changed Is Hiding 17 Cats in Their Room's name to dick staring contest.**

**Well-Hung Waifu:** Awesome job Kirumi!

 **dick staring contest:** okay look

 **dick staring contest:** i cant help it if all cats on Earth are amazing and worthy of love

 **dick staring contest:** they're my anti-depression herd

 **Kinkiest in Class:** I'm going to need some of that after this is done and over with.

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Mood.

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Mood.

 **korekihoe shingucci:** Only Shirogane and Shuichi left it seems.

 **Pantaslut420:** its obvious whos who lol

 **Brojobs are a thing:** yeah d:

 **jacobs ladder:** uhhhh you sure?

 **Pantaslut420:** yep!!

 **Pantaslut420:** Shumai is the only one here whos fun to play with so of course hes **@IQ of 257**.

 **Brojobs are a thing:** obviously! thats how my sidekick rolls!!

 **IQ of 257:** Actually, it's me, Shirogane.

**Did I fucking stutter?:**

**Did I fucking stutter?:** what

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** what

 **Brojobs are a thing:** WHAT

**Junko Enoshima has changed IQ of 257's name to ONII-CHNYAAAN~~.**

**Junko Enoshima has changed Kinkiest in Class's name to Poirot but even cuter.**

**Poirot but even cuter:** >/////<

 **Pantaslut420:** _**W H A T** _

**ONII-CHNYAAN~~:** You know I don't like drawing attention to myself, Junko.

 **dick staring contest:** _257!?_

 **Junko Enoshima:** Yeah, she's actually the 3rd smartest person in the school behind me (obviously) and Hajimeme Hinatatas.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Why else do you think she became your guys' mastermind??

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** SHUICHI?!?!??!??

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** I don't believe it.

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** There's no fucking way.

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** HES ONE OF THE FEW GOOD ONES TOO PLEASE DONT BE TRUE

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmaoooo nah it's true.

 **Junko Enoshima:** He's a degenerate in more ways than one d;

 **Poirot but even cuter:** ;_;

 **Junko Enoshima:** Yeah it's mainly due his main protag horniness, the simulation and

**Junko Enoshima:**

**Junko Enoshima:** oh shit

 **ONII_CHNYAAAN~~:**? What's wrong?

 **Junko Enoshima:** Nooooooothiiiiinnnnng!!

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmao guess you're in for a rough time **@Pantaslut420**

 **Junko Enoshima:** At least you'll have a golden experience lololol

 **Mother Goose:** THAT. IS ENOUGH FOR TODAY.

 **cherrypop:** ouma.exe is not responding

 **Atua is a voyeur:** It's true, he just crawled into my vents to go to his room.

 **jacobs ladder:** jesus christ

 **Junko Enoshima:** Anywaaaaaaaaaay, bored now :/

 **Junko Enoshima:** Later losers!!!

**Junko Enoshima has given Admin rights to Mother Goose and Poirot but even cuter.**

**Junko Enoshima has left Ultimate Disappointments.**

**Did I fucking stutter?:** Fucking finally.

**Mother Goose has taken Admin rights from Poirot but even cuter.**

**korekihoe shingucci:** Tojo-san??

 **Atua is a voyeur:** AKEGALKEHGSLRUGKJAWHF

 **Poirot but even cuter:** Understandable ;_;

**Mother Goose has given Admin rights to Well-Hung Waifu.**

**Mother Goose has changed Bees?'s name to Innocent.**

**Well-Hung Waifu:** KIRUMI???

**Mother Goose: @everyone Go to bed.**

**ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** It

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** It's only 7:00.

**Mother Goose: Ḅ̸̖̬͖̩̮̗͚̍̋̓̀̆̈́̊͐̕͘̚͝ ̷̧̢̢̨̰̭͓̳̥͓͍̻̟̞͇̯̑̓͗́͗̐̀̋̎̐́̐̌̍̓͗͝ͅȨ̵̡̛̩̝̥̭̤̲͔͕͚̪̪̌̈́̓͆̿̓̿͜͝ͅ ̸̼̱̯̦̮̜̔̈͒̑D̸̡̩̝͕̤̩͖̘̰͕̗̙̜̬͙̳̠̾̌̽̇̓̒̾͐̅̈́̂͗̊͜͝͝ͅ**

**Brojobs are a thing:** lmao you can't tell me what to d

 **Brojobs are a thing:** sknerrrrrrrrrrr

**Innocent: D:**

**jacobs ladder:** HOW IS SHE FLASH STEPPINADKGJBLRS

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Ah shit

 **lesbian? I thought you were japanese?: @everyone** LOOK OUT FOR THE ROLLING PIN

 **dick staring contest:** i uh

 **dick staring contest:** regret teaching her that

 **bobs and veggietales:** I LEAVE FOR FUCKING 3 HOURS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ultimate Disappointments  
> ==========================================================================
> 
> bobs and veggietales ----- Miu Iruma
> 
> korekihoe shingucci ----- Korekiyo Shinguji
> 
> Well-Hung Waifu ----- Kaede Akamatsu
> 
> Did I fucking stutter? ----- Maki Harukawa
> 
> Innocent ----- Gonta Gokuhara
> 
> lesbian? I thought you were japanese?: ----- Tenko Chabashira
> 
> Poirot but even cuter ----- Shuichi Saihara
> 
> Pantaslut420 ----- Kokichi Ouma
> 
> Atua is a voyeur ----- Angie Yonaga
> 
> ONII-CHNYAAAN~~ ----- Tsumugi Shirogane
> 
> Floppy-Disk ----- K1-B0
> 
> Brojobs are a thing ----- Kaito Momota
> 
> dick staring contest ----- Ryoma Hoshi
> 
> cherrypop ----- Himiko Yumeno
> 
> Mother Goose ----- Kirumi Tojo
> 
> jacobs ladder ----- Rantaro Amami
> 
> (Also, thank you guys for the comments! I appreciate each and every one d:  
> Things are about to go apeshit storywise, so buckle up buttercups.)


	8. ...Who tops?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a level 99 Gay Dumbass™ with a subclass in Snarky Asshole...
> 
> My word is absolute :)

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**food & tiddies: **what the fuck is this

 **darkness kink:** Oh, hello Owari-san!

 **food & tiddies: **who the fuck are you?

 **salty god:** Scroll up Owari.

 **salty god:** To like the beginning.

 **food & tiddies: **fuck y'all type a lot

 **banana gremlin:** lol "y'all"

 **food & tiddies: **even my dumb ass can figure out that thats you saionji

 **shark kink:** lmaoooooooo

 **banana gremlin:** FUCK OFF

 **bara tiddies & shit: **WE HAVE RETURNED FROM TRAINING!

 **dink wakka splat:** Oh hey guys.

 **dink wakka spalt:** Welcome back.

 **darkness kink:** Yes, welcome back!

 **darkness kink:** How did your training go?

 **food & tiddies: **went pretty well

 **food & tiddies: **finally got to the point where i can flash step now

 **tomato go BPLTT:** HOW CAN YOU GUYS DO THAT???

 **salty god:** Thunder thighs.

 **food & tiddies: **hella

 **hanging by a thread:** low key jealous rn

 **shark kink:** hearing Komaeda audibly swallow right next to me makes me wish god took my hearing

 **little spoon:** jesus

 **shots shots shots:** why are you two hanging out, if I may ask?

 **shots shots shots:** sorry, but I thought souda didn't like komaeda.

 **banana gremlin:** fucking shut up

 **banana gremlin:** but yeah, tf?

 **shark kink:** I'm working on his mechanical hand.

 **little spoon:** oh gotcha lol

 **hope > ketamine: **He's giving me a gun :)

 **tomato go BPLTT:** nO

 **darkness kink:** Apologies, but _why_ would you give Komaeda-san a gun?

 **dink wakka splat:** Barret Wallace.

 **shark kink:** ^^

 **BIG SPOON:** Fair enough.

 **hope > ketamine:** It's rather kind for Souda-san to give me a gun located at the tip of my index finger.

 **snausagelover69:** if komaeda fingers himself with his mecha gun hand

 **snausagelover69:** he technically could take fingerbanging to a whole 'nother level

 **little spoon:** SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **ice kink:** Truly cursed words flow freely from your mouth, oh Horny One.

 **hope > ketamine: **I mean, having a finger gun is nothing compared to the actual semi-auto rifles that I bought in the US.

 **little spoon:** W H A T

 **banana gremlin:** uhhhhhHHHHH

 **food & tiddies: **guns are for pussies

 **food & tiddies: **just mollywop a motherfucker and youre good

 **hanging by a thread:** AKSFLAGKEGHSJ

 **salty god:** Nagito.

 **hope > ketamine: **gun?

 **salty god:** no

 **hope > ketamine: **g

 **hope > ketamine: **gun??

 **salty god:** _no_

 **hope > ketamine: **GUN!!

**salty god: NO**

**banana gremlin:** JUST FUCK ALREADY JESUS CHRIST

 **shark kink:** EJGKASJHSDKFGHJ

 **hope > ketamine: **Thankfully I'm not nearly as destructive as I was way back when.

**Junko Enoshima has added Junko Enoshima to** **"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**hope > ketamine: **

**salty god:** Damn it Junko.

 **shark kink:** AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **banana gremlin:** HISSSSSSSSSSSSS

 **dink wakka splat:** iM HAVING FLASHBACKS

 **Junko Enoshima:** lol chill guys

 **Junko Enoshima:** Just wanted to check up on my beloved Despairs~

 **shots shots shots:** JUNKO!! :D

 **Junko Enoshima:** Oh hey Mikan. Whaddup?

 **shots shots shots:** Everything is great now that you're here!

 **banana gremlin:** sHUT THE FUCK UP DONT TALK TO THAT FUCKING SKANK YOU BITCH

 **shots shots shots:** ~~ _**Shut the fuck up you loli bait piece of shit before I skullfuck your corpse so hard that there will be no open casket funeral for you, motherfucker.** _ ~~

~~~~**BIG SPOON:** DEAR GOD

 **bara tiddies & shit: **I AM ***CONCERNED***

 **tomato go BPLTT:** oh holy shit

 **hanging by a thread:** Alexa, play "Let's Kill Each Other" from the DRV3 soundtrack.

 **snausagelover69:** NO

 **banana gremlin:** wAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!1! tsumikis bu ll iyn meeeeeeee

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmao you guys are wild as usual.

 **salty god:** Don't even think about it.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Nah, I wasn't going to lol

 **little spoon:** the fuck you two talking about?

 **salty god:** She was thinking about doing a stupid name changing game where we'd have to guess who's who or whatever.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Buuuuuut I got bored with that.

 **Junko Enoshima:** And I figured that denying any expectations of another name changing game would bring a little despair to anybody who thought I'd do the same shtick twice.

 **salty god:** Predictable.

 **Junko Enoshima:** So I thought I'd bring a serious topic up for discussion.

 **BIG SPOON:** Doubt.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Hajime, or Nagito.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Who tops?

**salty god: FUCK OFF**

**dink wakka splat:** ALKEUTGHSKJHKSADDF

 **food & tiddies: **hinata probably, since he's beefier than komaeda

 **salty god:** DONT ENCOURAGE THIS

 **ice kink:** I am of the same mind in regards to this matter, actually.

 **darkness kink:** I wouldn't be surprised.

 **shark kink:** GUYS PLEASE

 **shark kink:** I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHO IS DICKING WHO OKAY???

 **shots shots shots:** Shut the fuck up bottom.

 **hanging by a thread:** S,KJGALHEGSLD

 **darkness kink:** PWORHGOGTLJDS

 **bara tiddies & shit:** TSUMIKI WHAT IS UP WITH YOU

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmao yeah she's way more outspoken when I'm around for some reason.

 **shots shots shots:** That, and when I play my favorite song :)

 **shots shots shots:**[happy-music-:)](https://youtu.be/Hfp7v2aU_AM)

**little spoon:** TSUMIKI THAT IS SOMETHING A SCHOOL SHOOTER WOULD LISTEN TO

**banana gremlin:**

**banana gremlin:** I sincerely apologize for everything that I have ever done ever, so please have mercy on me and Mahiru at the very least.

 **snausagelover69:** KAEGLSRHKJDSFGFD

 **shots shots shots:** Anyway, Komaeda would probably top since blowing up the gym requires BDE that Hinata is too little of a bitch to have.

 **dink wakka splat:** MIKAN!!! CHILL!!!!!

 **shark kink:** ;_;

 **Junko Enoshima:** hot

 **salty god:** shUT

 **hanging by a thread:** i mean, i think that komaeda would top because hinata is really kind and willing to take it up the ass I guess

 **little spoon:** WHY? ARE WE??? TALKNG ABUOT THIS?????

 **BIG SPOON:** No, wait, I'm curious.

 **little spoon:** PEKO???

 **Junko Enoshima:** Sooooooo what is it then **@salty god @hope > ketamine** ?

 **shark kink:** oh yeah where is komaeda btw?

 **shark kink:** need to do a few finishing touches on his hand

 **food & tiddies: **saw him by the campus entrance earlier

 **bara tiddies & shit: ** OH YEAH. SAID SOMETHING ABOUT PLASTIC OR SOMETHING

 **salty god:**? Plastic?

 **Junko Enoshima:** Plastic?

 **hope > ketamine: ** _**PLASTIC FUCKING EXPLOSIVES YOU INSULTING SLAGWHORE** _

**tomato go BPLTT:** WHAT

 **shark kink:** UMMMMMMMMM???!?!?!

 **hope > ketamine: **despair must be purged despair must be purged despair must be purged despair must be purged despair must be purged despair must b

 **little spoon:** THIS FUCKER HAS C4 I REPEAT

 **dink wakka splat:** Wow, you really can buy a lot of dangerous stuff in the US huh?

 **little spoon:** NOT THE TIME

 **BIG SPOON:** Is this really that serious **@hope > ketamine**!?

**hope > ketamine: _SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR WHOLE ASS SKELETON YOU BITCH_ @Junko Enoshima**

**ice kink:** She-devil and Mechanical One

 **ice kink:** We must be off.

 **shark kink:** FINE BY ME

 **darkness kink:** Wait we haven't figured who tops yet.

 **shark kink:** THAT IS THE LEAST OF OUR WORRIES SONIA-SAN

 **salty god:** Nagito, you better calm down.

 **Junko Enoshima:** No, by all means, keep freaking out lololol

 **dink wakka splat:** Gosh you're so annoying.

 **hope > ketamine: ****@Junko Enoshima** Check :) your fucking dorm building :)

 **Junko Enoshima:** YO OKAY THAT WAS FAST

 **Junko Enoshima:** DEADASS HAS THIS PLACE COVERED HEAD TO FUCKING TOE IN C4

 **snausagelover69:** UHHHHH

 **hope > ketamine: ** _**I'm going to turn this entire campus into a fucking scar that can be seen from space.** _

**hope > ketamine: _It's the only way to be sure that no despair survives._**

 **tomato go BPLTT:** YOU MIGHT END UP KILLING OTHER CLASS 78 STUDENTS OR EVEN US

 **hope > ketamine: **meh

 **hope > ketamine: **Worth it.

 **banana gremlin:** DEADASS?

 **shots shots shots:** SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **hanging by a thread:** AJEGLAJKHLDFKJDDAF

 **food & tiddies:** QLEIFAKLJKJSHKJHKKK

 **dink wakka splat:** **@salty god** Reign in your boyfriend or I'm unfriending you on Switch and PS4.

 **salty god:** Ugh fine. I just wanted to see what would happen out of curiosity.

 **salty god: @hope > ketamine **Babe.

 **hope > ketamine:** ...babe?

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmaooooo he just started crying lololololol

 **salty god: @food & tiddies @bara tiddies & shit **Fuck the rat woman _up._

 **food & tiddies: ** **_hell fucking yes_ **

**Junko Enoshima:** wAIT

 **bara tiddies & shit: **NEW TRAINING REGEMENT: FIND JUNKO AND GIVE HER A GODDAMN STAR PLATINUM ATTACK RUSH

 **food & tiddies: **aye aye coach!!

 **Junko Enoshima:** I'LL TELL YOU WHICH ONE OF THEM TOPS WAIT

 **salty god:** You fool, you absolute wastrel. 

**salty god:** _We fucking switch like a normal gay couple._

 **dink wakka splat:** **@tomato go BLPTT** Give me my money.

 **tomato go BPLTT:** Damnit, fine.

 **Junko Enoshima:** AS IF YOU GET ANY ACTION YET YOU HAVENT EVEN GONE PAST FIRST BASE LOSER

 **salty god:** AS IF YOU AND YASUKE HAVE GOTTEN ANYWHERE EITHER FUCKO

 **Junko Enoshima:** [orange-juice-fucker-and cream-( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮.jpeg](https://rule34.paheal.net/post/view/1905628)

 **tomato go BPLTT:** LAGGHLSGDLASKHFIG

 **banana gremlin:** STOP WITH THE PENIS MY EYESSSSSSSS

 **salty god:** _**WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PORN OF ME FOR FUCKS SAKE.** _

**Junko Enoshima has left "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**salty god: @hope > ketamine **Wanna come over and watch a movie with me?

 **hope > ketamine: **I'm not worth your time, surely Iasklgskjhdlsds

 **shark kink:** AKJGLDSKFLHGLSKRH JUST SEEING HAJIME FLASH STEP OUT OF NOWHERE AND THROW KOMAEDA LIKE A RAGDOLL IS SO FUKCING FUNNY

 **salty god:** No self-deprecating thoughts allowed. I will judo toss any motherfucker here who doubts themselves. 

**hanging by a thread:** we stan one supportive boi who tosses people like a goddamn frisbee.

 **hope > ketamine: **YOU DIDNT HAVE TO THROW ME LIKE THAT

 **salty god:** Don't talk shit about yourself and I won't.

 **snausagelover69:** btw food's done, so come on down to the dining room to eat some good shit

 **food & tiddies: ** _IM ON MY WAY_

 **bara tiddies & shit: **ALSO, WE COULDN'T GET JUNKO. SHE CRAWLED INTO THE VENTS.

 **BIG SPOON:** Why?? Is everyone crawling in the vents lately???

 **salty god:** Don't worry about it, I'll deal with her later.

 **salty god:** Anyway, Hanamura, could you bring some food to my room for Komaeda and me?

 **snausagelover69:** oh my, you're certainly moving quick hinata-kun >W>

 **salty god:** I'm not gonna do anything that he doesn't want me to.

 **hope > ketamine: **I mean I'm okay with doing whatever you want whenever you want I guess if you're interested I mean you don't have to but I'm totally down for anything.

 **banana gremlin:** thirsty bitch

 **dink wakka splat:** As if you're one to talk.

 **banana gremlin:** SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GAMER TRASH

 **shots shots shots:** sHuT tHE fUck uP yOU GamER tRaSh :V

 **shots shots shots:** GET SOME GODDAMN ORIGINAL MATERIAL YOU STUPID FUCKING _**S T I N K Y**_ BITCH

 **food & tiddies: **ALEGLSKJHGSLASHSFLKKSDFKJD

 **shark kink:** DEAR GOD

 **little spoon:** fUCKING DAYLIGHT MURDER

 **hanging by a thread:** uhhhhhhh imma get mikan a snickers or something brb

 **salty god:** Sounds good. 

**salty god: @hope > ketamine **leAVE THE GODDAMN C4 ALONE I'LL DEAL WITH IT LATER

 **hope > ketamine:** But I waaaaant iiiiit :(

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda**

== == == == == == ==

**Hajime Hinata:** Leave it alone and we can make out a bit.

**Nagito Komaeda:**

== == == == == == ==

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

== == == == == == ==

**hope > ketamine: **nvm I'm good, way good without, totally

 **darkness kink:** lmao totally got him horny I bet.

 **shark kink:** PLEASE

 **salty god:** I mean I do have the Ultimate Escort and Ultimate Host talents so it's not totally out of the realm of possibility I suppose.

 **snausagelover69:** OWO

 **little spoon:** WHAT

 **ice kink:** TRUE DARK MAGICKS

 **tomato go BPLTT:** _This explains so goddamn much._

 **snausagelover69:** wait the real question is whether or not you have the Ultimate Pornstar talent or not.

 **salty god:** hella

 **salty god:** Got to put my thunder thighs to use you know?

 **dink wakka splat:** AKLJRBGSKLBDAFLKJJRFBH

 **hope > ketamine: **O///O

**shots shots shots: 「Nagito Komaeda has died」**

**shark kink:** GUYS PLEASE

 **tomato go BPLTT:** _THIS EXPLAINS SO GODDAMN MUCH._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"  
> ==========================================================================  
> salty god: ----- Hajime Hinata
> 
> hope > ketamine: ----- Nagito Komaeda
> 
> dink wakka splat: ----- Chiaki Nanami
> 
> little spoon: ----- Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu
> 
> BIG SPOON: ----- Peko Pekoyama
> 
> banana gremlin: ----- Hiyoko Saionji
> 
> tomato go BPLTT: ----- Mahiru Koizumi
> 
> shots shots shots: ----- Mikan Tsumiki
> 
> darkness kink: ----- Sonia Nevermind
> 
> ice kink: ----- Gundham Tanaka
> 
> shark kink: ----- Kazuichi Soda
> 
> hanging by a thread: ----- Ibuki Mioda
> 
> food & tiddies: ----- Akane Owari
> 
> bara tiddies & shit: ----- Nekomaru Nidai
> 
> snausagelover69: ----- Teruteru Hanamura
> 
> copykebab: ----- Byakuya Twogami / Imposter  
> ==========================================================================  
> (Any artwork shown is not made by me. I don't have the talent lol)  
> Also, let me know if you guys would care for NSFW smut scenes written in later chapters or not. Any and all feedback is appreciated!


	9. Unnecessarily Raunchy Foreshadowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roses are red, thistles are thorny
> 
> can these peeps fucking PLEASE stop being horny!?

**OG Killing Squad**

**pussy? don't know her:** uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh

 **pussy? don't know her:** now i'm not one to judge

 **pussy? don't know her:** but i went downstairs to check and see whether or not my latest Princess Piggles Limited Edition Gold Platinum figurine came 

**WANABEEEE:** what the fuck is that name

 **pussy? don't know her:** shut

 **pussy? don't know her:** anyway i went downstairs and i saw a box that looked relatively the size of what i thought my Princess Piggles Limited Edition Gold Platinum figurine would be 

**loves kakyoin:** why?? type out the whole name again??

 **pussy? don't know her:** ITS A SIGN OF RESPECT TO A TREASURED MULTI-MEDIA ICON

 **pussy? don't know her:** ANYWAY

 **pussy? don't know her:** i got excited and decided to open the box 

**pussy? don't know her:** there wasn't any noticeable markings or even an address or anything 

**Agatha Christie:** Oh dear. I see where this is going.

 **pussy? don't know her:** so since i was the only one at the front of the dorm i thought it was what i thought it was

 **pussy? don't know her:** but uh

 **pussy? don't know her:** it wasn't

 **pussy? don't know her:** [guys-please-its-too-much.jpeg](https://i.imgur.com/EF6Telt_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)

 **diamond nipples:** **WHAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT**

 **its all ogre now:** I

 **glucose guardian:** _You god awful degenerates._

 **dis bear despairs:** _N-nya~~!! *sploosh*_

**love on the battlefield:[not-a-threat-but-a-promise.gif](https://media.tenor.com/images/3b584f17119517629a2ff4aced4ceb51/tenor.gif)**

**dennys at 3 am:** KALKUSGAKLJHKSDGKG

 **bootleg miku:** AAKEFGLKAEGKJWAGEFKGSJHK

 **ebony dark'ness:** Truly, nothing good comes from reading or clicking on anything you type Yamada.

 **dis bear despairs:** lmaooooooo I just looked it up it's deadass called "Demon Dick".

 **scissor me timbers:** I SWEAR TO CHRIST

 **scissor me timbers:** WHICH ONE OF YOU ORDERED ***THIS*** OF ALL THINGS?

 **egg:** wait what happened?

 **dis bear despairs:** lmao click Yamada's link.

 **Agatha Christie:** **@egg** You. Don't need to do that.

**egg:**

**egg:** um

 **egg:** good on you, whoever you are

 **egg:** for being 

**egg:** adventurous

 **egg:** i guess ;_;

 **love on the battlefield:** WHICH ONE OF YOU DID THIS

 **dis bear despairs:** One sec.

 **WANABEEEE:**??

 **dis bear despairs:** OH MY GOD I CANT ASLFIGAEIUGHASGDKJ

 **dis bear despairs:** NO **F U C K I N G** WAYKGAKFHGWJKSFGKSUKGBDLKA

 **loves kakyoin:** wait do you know who ordered it???

 **dis bear despairs:** L M A FUCKING O

 **dis bear despairs:** HELL YEAH I DO

 **dis bear despairs:** AND IM NOT TELLING

 **diamond nipples:** oh you bitch

 **dis bear despairs:** Anyway **@Agatha Christie** you deal with this I need to do something with smarter people lololol

 **Agatha Christie:** This is one particular truth I would rather not find out, Enoshima.

 **dis bear despairs:** Don't care do what you want lateeeeeerrrrrrrrr~

**dis bear despairs has given Admin rights Agatha Christie.**

**dis bear despairs has removed dis bear despairs from OG Killing Squad. Reason:** **I'll be back uwu**

**love on the battlefield:** one evil has been sealed away

 **love on the battlefield:** the other must bE HUNTED DOWN AND PURGED

 **headache and t pose:** i'm offline for all of 5 minutes

== == == == == == ==

== == == == == == ==

**Junko Enoshima has added Hajime Hinata and Tsumugi Shirogane to the group chat.**

**Junko Enoshima has changed the name of the group chat to "two bitches and an ahogay".**

**Hajime Hinata:** God damnit.

**Junko Enoshima has changed their name to Thing 1.**

**Thing 1 has changed Hajime Hinata's name to Thing 2.**

**Thing 1 has changed Tsumugi Shirogane's name to Thing V3.**

**Thing 1:** sup fuckers

 **Thing V3:** Oh, what's up Junko and Hinata-san?

 **Thing 2:** WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS EXIST

 **Thing 1:** Simulation stuff.

 **Thing 2:** Ah fuck.

 **Thing V3:**??? What happened?

 **Thing 1:** lmaooooo shit is about to go DOWN

 **Thing 2:** Elaborate you cunt.

 **Thing 1:** Okay, so Tsumugi you know how I did that whole name changing thing and I outed some of your class's secrets?

 **Thing V3:** Unfortunately yes.

 **Thing 1:** Well you know that wimpy shy detective whatshisface or whatever's secret was him being a complete degenerate in bed?

 **Thing 2:** OH FUCK

 **Thing 1:** EXACTLY

 **Thing V3:** Okay, so I don't have either of your freak of nature brains can you please elaborate.

 **Thing 2:** She's saying that Saihara may have been corrupted by the simulation.

 **Thing V3:** THAT'S??? A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN?!!??

 **Thing 2:** Yeah. When my class went through our simulation it was waaaaaaaay more extreme than Class 78's.

 **Thing 2:** Because of that, some of my classmates were completely affected by the "totally safe and innovative" Killing Game Simulation.

 **Thing 2:** Nagito's left hand wouldn't function and just atrophied to the point where it had to be amputated and Fuyuhiko's right eye stopped working too.

 **Thing V3:** Oh my god.

 **Thing 1:** I mean they both got pretty neat prosthetics and are kinda like cyborgs, so that's a plus.

 **Thing 2:** Die.

 **Thing 2:** Anyway, what do you think could have happened that influenced Saihara's behavior Shirogane?

**Thing V3:**

**Thing V3:** Ooohhhhhhh shiiiiiiit.

 **Thing 2:** What?

 **Thing 1:** What?

 **Thing V3:** Um.

 **Thing V3:** Would alternate personalities that I created on my own to directly contradict their irl personalities which were used as a plot twist during the sixth trial have possibly anything to do with this?

**Thing 2:**

**Thing 1:**

**Thing V3:**

**Thing 2:** WHAT THE FUCK???

 **Thing V3:** lisTEN

== == == == == == ==

**OG Killing Squad**

== == == == == == ==

**dennys at 3 am:** and long story short thats why I couldnt have ordered it

 **Agatha Christie:** Because aliens stole your laptop to upload a bootleg version of Wizard 101, causing it to crash?

 **dennys at 3 am:** yes

 **WANABEEEE:** its a lie he was trying to clean his laptop by giving it a shower

 **loves kakyoin:** 1000 x more believable

 **dennys at 3 am:** bRO 

**Agatha Christie:** Okay, fine. So I know that it's not Hagakure, myself, Makoto, Mukuro, Asahina, or Maizono.

 **scissor me timbers:** Wait, why not the idol? Girls like that always have a dark side.

 **bootleg miku:** I admit that I am _slightly_ inclined to violence, but when the hell would I even have the off-time to use something like *that*?

 **Agatha Christie:** Exactly. 

**glucose guardian:** If anything, it would be logical to assume that the culprit is a male with, ah, extreme taste.

 **its all ogre now:** Why would that be, Togami-kun?

 **glucose guardian:** The women in our class would either be smart enough to get that package before anyone found out about it or would completely own up to it (a.k.a Enoshima).

 **ebony dark'ness:** I believe you to be correct, Togami-san.

 **headache and t pose:** it's not me :(

 **Agatha Christie:** I know this. We all know this and love and appreciate you.

 **headache and t pose:** :D

 **ebony dark'ness:** Could... could this be a modicum of joy I am feeling?

 **pussy? don't know her:** well you guys know that it's not me

 **ebony dark'ness:** Ah, there it goes. Back to bearing the unrelenting pain of existence and reality, I suppose.

 **loves kakyoin:** celeste why do you have to kill yamada on a daily basis like this

 **ebony dark'ness:** BECAUSE I HATE HIM.

 **ebony dark'ness:** FUCKING SHITTY BITCH ASS LAPDOG THAT CANT MAKE ANY GOOD FUCKING TEA AND OOGLES AT FUCKING HENTAI 24/7

 **love on the battlefield:** chop his fucking dick off and be done with it then

 **egg:** mukuro nO

 **pussy? don't know her:** listen

 **pussy? don't know her:** its an art form

**Agatha Christie has muted pussy? don't know her for 2 hours. Reason: God left you unfinished.**

**egg:** kYOKO

 **ebony dark'ness:** HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **dennys at 3 am:** hearing celeste laugh makes me believe even more in the witches of yore

 **scissor me timbers:** I'm surprised a weed-brain like you even knows the word "yore".

 **Agatha Christie:** I know the culprit isn't Yamada since he's heterosexual.

 **Agatha Christie:** The only ones worthy of suspicion are Owada, Kuwata, Ishimaru, and Togami.

 **Agatha Christie:** We can eliminate Togami off the list since he could just order whatever he wanted and have it delivered discreetly through his own personal connections.

 **glucose guardian:** As if I would be caught dead even remotely ordering something so disgusting.

 **WANABEEEE:** I PROMISE IT'S NOT ME

 **bootleg miku:** Can confirm.

 **loves kakyoin:** wait how can you confirm sayaka?

 **bootleg miku:** I've been in his room.

 **egg:** aw!! about time you guys are dating :)

 **egg:** im happy for you two!

 **dennys at 3 am:** lmao both kirigiri and ikusaba just grabbed their hearts and went "hnng"

 **love on the battlefield:** spy on me again and i'll be taking your knees to eat

 **WANABEEEE:** jesus

 **bootleg miku:** Makoto you are too pure for this world.

 **its all ogre now:** So, Owada, please go get your package.

 **diamond nipples:** BUT ITS NOT FUCKING MINE

 **diamond nipples:** AND ITS NOT MY BROS

 **diamond nipples:** SOMEONES FUCKING LYING

 **scissor me timbers:** what the shit yall talkin about

 **ebony dark'ness:** Please never say or type "y'all" again.

 **scissor me timbers:** shit sorry

 **scissor me timbers:** what the shit yee'hall talking about

**ebony dark'ness has left OG Killing Squad.**

**glucose guardian has left OG Killing Squad.**

**Agatha Christie has added ebony dark'ness and glucose guardian to OG Killing Squad.**

**Agatha Christie:** Don't you _dare_ leave me and Ogami to be the only ones here with any maturity.

 **WANABEEEE:** LAEJGHAJKHSLKHGSA

 **dennys at 3 am:** hi jill

 **scissor me timbers:** sup weedman

 **scissor me timbers:** anyone gonna tell me wHAT THE FUCK YALL TALKING ABOUT

**ebony dark'ness: _I swear to God._**

**loves kakyoin:** scroll up Jill

 **scissor me timbers:** oooooohhhh, kinky~

 **scissor me timbers:** lmao didn't think he'd actually order one lol

 **egg:** wait you know who it is???

 **scissor me timbers:** lmao yeah

 **scissor me timbers:** i was the one who showed him the site for shits and giggles to get a reaction out of him lololol

 **Agatha Christie:** NO WAY

 **egg:**???

 **scissor me timbers:** gooooooooooood choice **@their our know rules** ~

**bootleg miku: WHAT**

**diamond nipples: _W H AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT_**

**their our know rules:** Apologies friends, I was at a Public Service Committee meeting. What are you talking about?

**their our know rules:**

**their our know rules:** Well, this is unfortunate.

 **WANABEEEE:** THERE IS NO GOD

== == == == == == ==

**two bitches and an ahogay**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Thing 1:** So basically you created alternate personalities for all of your classmates to mess with them if they made it to the endgame?

 **Thing V3:** Yes.

 **Thing 2:** AND YOU DIDNT THINK THAT THIS WOULDN'T CAUSE ANY PROBLEMS?!

 **Thing V3:** I BELIEVED THAT THE SIMULATION WAS 100% SAFE

 **Thing 1:** Wait but why would just Saihara be affected if you made 15 personalities? Wouldn't everyone but you be affected?

 **Thing V3:** [OHHHHH-MYYYYY-GOOOOOD.gif](https://i.imgur.com/X5dRSLh.gif)

 **Thing V3:** SHUICHI WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WITNESSED WHAT HIS OTHER SELF WAS LIKE

 **Thing 2:** What was his other personality like?

 **Thing 1:** lmao yeah it couldn't be that bad.

 **Thing V3:** HIS OTHER PERSONALITY WAS SADOMASOCHISTIC AND WAS OKAY WITH KILLING OTHER PEOPLE AND BEING FUCKING EXECUTED

 **Thing V3:** HE GOT OFF ON BASICALLY ANYTHING MINUS GROSS SHIT LIKE *ACTUAL SHIT* AND SLEPT WITH ANYONE AND EVERYONE

 **Thing 2:** What thE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

 **Thing V3:** I!!!! DIDNT KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN NOW DID I!?!??!??!

 **Thing V3:** I MADE IT AS SHOCK VALUE NOT AS SOMETHING LEGITIMATE 

**Thing 1:** things are about to get reaaaaaally interesting now for the Robot and Rat lololololololol

 **Thing V3:** Wait what

 **Thing V3:** OH FUCK

== == == == == == ==

**OG Killing Squad**

**== == == == == == ==**

**diamond nipples:** bro

 **diamond nipples:** _bro why_

 **scissor me timbers:** quit calling him bro when you want to suck his dick ffs its so weird

 **dennys at 3 am:** SLDLJGHSLKJRHGOKJDKLJFGH

 **their our know rules:** Well, I was curious after that talk of "vibrators" the other day and wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

 **their our know rules:** Then Jill showed me that site, and after getting over my initial shock, I thought "why not"?

 **love on the battlefield:** makoto im headed over i need a hug

 **love on the battlefield:** one of the purest boys lost his rightful place among the best today

 **diamond nipples:** Taka please

 **scissor me timbers:** [JUST-FUCKING-FUCK-ALREADY-LIKE-THIS.jpeg](https://us.rule34.xxx//samples/2612/sample_6d0b9055e46c8b9ac0f7c60bad06812c72f1de87.jpg?2903042)

 **bootleg miku:** **J I L L**

 **glucose guardian:** _You abhorrent little slime._

 **egg:** O///O

 **headache and t pose:** nice

 **diamond nipples:** **@scissor me timbers YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD**

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between Kiyotaka Ishimaru and Mondo Owada**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** Mondo.

 **Mondo Owada:** yeah?

 **Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** We've been dancing around this for a while now, but frankly I'm tired of it.

 **Kiyotaka Ishimaru:** I have romantic and sexual feelings for you. Shall we go out as boyfriend and boyfriend?

**Mondo Owada:**

== == == == == == ==

**OG Killing Squad**

== == == == == == ==

**Agatha Christie:** Owada-san has just run headfirst into a wall. What happened.

 **their our know rules:** I just got a boyfriend, that's what happened.

 **bootleg miku:** LKAJGAKJHHJGSDLKGA

 **loves kakyoin:** OEPOPSORHSLGJKHKGHF

 **ebony dark'ness:** **@glucose guardian** PAY UP

 **glucose guardian:** Ugh, fine.

 **scissor me timbers:** lmao at least you guys can go to town with ur new toy lololol

 **their our know rules:** You know what? I think that sounds like a good idea.

 **their our know rules:** **@diamond nipples** Feel free to come to my room later tonight if you want.

 **WANABEEEE:** YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAATTTTT

**loves kakyoin: OH MY GOD**

**its all ogre now:** _True bravery._

 **diamond nipples:** koay

 **headache and t pose:** koay

 **love on the battlefield:** koay

 **diamond nipples:** **SHUT THE FUCK UP**

 **egg:** every day is an adventure with this class

== == == == == == ==

**two bitches and an ahogay**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Thing 2:** You've got to keep an eye on Saihara, Ouma, and K1-B0 Shirogane.

 **Thing V3:** I will. I don't want my accidental fuck up to hurt my friends.

 **Thing V3:** I'll keep you two updated.

 **Thing 1:** Gooooood Luuuuuuck~~!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OG Killing Squad  
> ==========================================================================  
> egg: ----- Makoto Naegi
> 
> Agatha Christie: ----- Kyoko Kirigiri
> 
> love on the battlefield: ----- Mukuro Ikusaba
> 
> glucose guardian: ----- Byakuya Togami
> 
> scissor me timbers: ----- Toko Fukawa
> 
> dis bear despairs: -----Junko Enoshima
> 
> loves kakyoin: ----- Aoi Asahina
> 
> dennys at 3 am: ----- Yasuhiro Hagakure
> 
> WANABEEEE: ----- Leon Kuwata
> 
> bootleg miku: ----- Sayaka Maizono
> 
> ebony dark’ness: ----- Celestia Ludenburg
> 
> pussy? don’t know her: ----- Hifumi Yamada
> 
> its all ogre now: ----- Sakura Ogami
> 
> diamond nipples: ----- Mondo Owada
> 
> their our know rules: ----- Kiyotaka Ishimaru
> 
> headache and t pose: ----- Chihiro Fujisaki  
> \+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + 
> 
> two bitches and an ahogay
> 
> Thing 1: ----- Junko Enoshima
> 
> Thing 2: ----- Hajime Hinata
> 
> Thing V3: ----- Tsumugi Shirogane  
> ==========================================================================  
> (I don't own any artwork showcased in this fic. I don't have the talent lol)  
> Let's turn up the heat, shall we?


	10. Kokichi Ouma's Bizzare Adventure: Phantom Maid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: Kokichi Ouma's Terrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Kokichi got up as he usually did, unraveling from his obnoxiously large cocoon of blankets and sheets, brushing his teeth (gotta keep them clean with all the Panta he drinks), and getting dressed in his usual outfit. The day started out as normal as normal could usually be in his dorm. After making sure that he had everything that he wanted to take on today, he exited his room. Kokichi is one of the last few people to leave his room since he stays up late thinking, scheming, and goofing off. It was around 10:00 AM on a calm, peaceful Saturday morning.

The Supreme Leader walked to the dorm elevator, wanting to go up a floor to mess with Shuichi ( _he and Kiibo are the only ~~cute~~ interesting ones here anyway) _for some attention. As he waited, Kokichi felt a sense of happiness that he normally didn't feel. Despite the shitty Killing Game Simulation that he was a part of, he didn't regret enrolling in New Hope University with everyone else. Kokichi felt that today was going to be a good day.

_As F U C K I N G if._

The elevator doors open, and he is greeted with a sight that he doesn't register right away. It was impossible to understand right away, totally incomprehensible. It made his brain freeze.

There, in the elevator, Kirumi Tojo, the ever stoic and eloquent maid, was _fucking t posing._

The Maid looked down at Kokichi with her usual iron-masked expression, reminiscent of a God about to smite a heretic, completely silent and uncaring. When the event taking place before him registered in his mind, Kokichi felt his jaw drop.

And after a couple of seconds, with perfect balance, Kirumi touched the elevator "up" button with the tip of her toe, never once breaking her composure _or_ eye-contact with the shocked (and to an extent, frightened) boy. The elevator doors closed quietly with a sense of finality, leaving Kokichi in stunned silence.

3...

2...

1...

"Fucking _WHAT!?_ "

Kokichi whipped out his phone, and then... 

== == == == == == ==

**Ultimate Disappointments**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Pantaslut420: @everyone** AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **Brojobs are a thing:** the hell?

 **Poirot but even cuter:** What's wrong Ouma-kun?

 **Pantaslut420: @Mother Goose** E X P L A I N

 **Mother Goose:** Apologies, I do not understand. Is there something wrong?

 **Pantaslut420:** YOU?? JUST FUCKING T POSED IN THE ELEVATOR 5 SECONDS AGO???

 **Pantaslut420:** WHAT THE FUCK???

 **Mother Goose:** T pose? What is that?

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** What the fuck are you on Ouma?

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Um? Is he lying again?

 **Pantaslut420:** NO I SWEAR ON ALL MY YUGIOH CARDS I AM TELLING THE TRUTH

 **bobs and veggietales:** lol nerd

 **Poirot but even cuter:** That's honestly a rather intense thing to bet on, but there's no way that Tojo-san would *t pose* of all things.

 **cherrypop:** lmao yeah nice try rat

 **Pantaslut420:** I AM **DEADASS** I PROMISE

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between Kirumi Tojo and Kokichi Ouma.**

== == == == == == ==

**Kirumi Tojo:** ~~_They'll never believe you._ ~~

~~~~**Kirumi Tojo has deleted a message.**

**Kokichi Ouma:[;_;.whhhyyyyyy!?.png](https://data.whicdn.com/images/322189605/original.jpg)**

== == == == == == ==

**Ultimate Disappointments**

== == == == == == ==

**lesbian? I thought you were japanese?:** nice try ratman, trying to tarnish the reputation of one of the most amazing women to walk the earth.

 **Pantaslut420:** y'know what? 

**Pantaslut420:** yeah sure whatever its a lie. goooooo figure.

 **Pantaslut420:** i hope everyone but Shumai commits toaster bath

 **Innocent:** NO!!!

 **bobs and veggietales:** lmaoooo squeaky actually mad that we didnt react like he wanted

 **Mother Goose:** I apologize if I have somehow upset you, Ouma-san.

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** Don't worry about it Kirumi, Ouma must just be overdramatic as always.

 **bobs and veggietales:** btw, Kiibo is officially more badass than ever before!

 **bobs and veggietales:** after a few more check-ups and stuff later tonight, he'll be able to do things like eat, drink, fuck, cry, and much much more!

 **bobs and veggietales:** he's gonna be an even cooler dude

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Wait, what was that middle part?

 **korekihoe shingucci:** Cry?

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** No I mean how can Kiibo have sex?

 **bobs and veggietales:** I replaced his outer plating with something called Artificial Biological Tissue, or ABT.

 **bobs and veggietales:** hes still a robot, but softer and warmer than before

 **dick staring contest:** i swear to god if you start moaning i'll beat you to death with my cat brush

 **bobs and veggietales:** i mean its _really_ fucking hot what I did to him but im not gonna lewd him

 **bobs and veggietales:** hes my best bro and stuff, im not gonna cross a line with him

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** That

 **Well-Hung Waifu:** was honestly really sweet of you? 

**cherrypop:** OOC

 **Did I fucking stutter?:** Stop.

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** Oh dear.

 **jacobs ladder:**?

 **Poirot but even cuter:** Good to know! I'm glad that Kiibo will be able to enjoy himself :)

 **ONII-CHNYAAAN~~:** _Oh dear._

\+ + + + + + +

After a couple of hours, lunch was held in the dining room downstairs in their dorm. Kokichi, still pouting, made his way to sit next to Shuichi, who was currently chatting with the piano nerd.

All throughout the meal, he picked at his food on his plate and observed everyone who showed up. The cultist freak, loli, and mega-lesbo were talking about putting on a magic show or whatever, featuring Neo-Aikido. Amami-chan, bondage freak, and the Masterminding Bitch were discussing interesting places to visit in the future, with the Masterminding Bitch making anime references almost nonstop. Space Moron and Ass-Ass-In were being a gross couple that Kokichi was definitely, totally, absolutely **not** jealous of in the slightest.

_Me? Having a relationship with Shumai or Keeboy? Pfft, nah._

While everyone was busy conversing with each other, Kokichi was the only one who was able to pay attention to what happened next.

Kokichi saw the second incomprehensible act to occur for the day.

Kirumi, stepping out of the kitchen, was completely inaudible. Stealthy enough to give the Ultimate Assassin a run for her money, she faced Kokichi

with a pot on her head.

Kokichi swore to everything he believed in that he thought he was teleported to an alternate dimension of pure fuckery.

Kirumi, starring into the poor Leader's eyes with her usual expression, dabbed.

Fucking _dabbed._

Kokichi felt his jaw drop for a second time.

"Huh? Ouma-kun, what's wrong?" Shuichi asked, unused to Kokichi expressing himself so openly.

The detective started to turn to look where the other was starring, but it was too late. Kirumi came prepared, swiftly removing the pot from her head and pulling a washcloth out of her pocket, making it seem like she was cleaning the inside of its contents.

_OH YOU CLEVER CUNT._

Plastering on a fake smile, Kokichi said, "Whatcha talkin about Shumai? I'm juuuuuuust peachy!"

After giving a moment or two looking him over (and Kokichi suppressing the urge to shiver in delight) Shuichi gave a soft "Hm." and returned to chatting with the piano nerd.

Violently stabbing a fork into his food, Kokichi continued his meal in peeved silence.

\+ + + + + + +

The day passed rather uneventfully from there on, with everyone in the dorm going to their respective labs and classes. Kokichi was tired after a long day of dealing with boring idiots and teachers and whatnot, so he decided to head toward the kitchen to steal some more Panta to stash in his room for later tonight.

_Gotta get some sugar in me..._

Quiet as a mouse, he scampered into the kitchen and opened the fridge, grabbing one, two, _eight_ bottles of Panta. The Leader sloooooooowly closed the fridge door to avoid making much noise. With his arms full, he turned around and nearly jumped out of his skin.

Kirumi, yet again, was standing before him in silence.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Fucking _what_. What can you possibly do now, huh? How the hell are you gonna try and get me this time, huh?"

"I have no idea what you're referring to, Ouma-san."

"Oh you _l y i n g_ bitch."

The Maid, still stoic and stonefaced, replied, "Now Ouma-san, please watch your language. After all, dealing with you is incredibly stressful, as others will attest to."

Rolling his eyes, Kokichi said, "Oh really? Don't care."

"You should," countered Kirumi. "After all..."

Kirumi reached up to her head

and _took her hair off_

revealing a shiny and completely bald head underneath.

With utter seriousness, she continued,

"... it'll make them go bald too."

Kokichi Ouma, the Ultimate Supreme Leader, gave a (very manly, of course) shriek of outrage, surprise, and downright confusion.

"FUCKING _W H A T!?!"_

Kirumi then quickly removed the bald cap she had on ( _Oh thank God_ ) and threw both it and the wig into the trashcan near the door, where she promptly tied the trash bag closed. Removing it, she turned to Kokichi, gave him a quick nod, and left him alone in the kitchen.

Kokichi was absolutely certain that each and every deity known to man has decided to fuck with him today.

\+ + + + + + +

Hugging his loot to his chest and feeling like he lost an epic battle, Kokichi made his way to his room. Just as he was almost there, he saw that Shuichi was outside his door, waiting.

"Oh! There you are Ouma-kun." Shuichi greeted with a quiet smile.

_Fuck shit goddamnit why are his eyelashes so long and pretty fuck fuck-_

"Hm~? What's up Shumai? Need something from little ol' me?"

"Well, yes, actually. Do you mind if we can talk in your room?"

_Fuck shit shit fuck oh no-_

"Sure, why not. I guess I can spare a moment or two of my vaaaaaluable time to indulge you."

_WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??_

Holding all eight bottles in one arm, Kokichi fished his room key out of his pocket and opened the door.

The Leader's room was messy, with clothes strewn about and various knick-knacks clustering in random piles on the floor. The only relatively "clean" areas are the bed and the desk.

Sitting on the bed with a bounce, Kokichi tossed all the bottles, save one, behind him. Opening his Panta, he said,

"Sooooo, hit me. What's on your mind?" followed up by a large chug of soda.

"Um, well, we've known each other for a while now right?" Shuichi said quietly.

"Ha, yeah. Everyone here has known each other since basically high school. Why?"

"I just want to, um, l-let you know something important."

_Fuck why is he so cute not fair-_

"I think I like you."

Kokichi's brain took a minute to process what Shuichi so blatantly said, and when he finally got the message, he immediately started to choke on his drink.

After clearing his throat (with a few concerned thumps on the back from Shuichi) he asked, in a voice a few octaves higher than normal,

"...what?"

Shuichi gave a sheepish smile and said, "I think I like you. In a, uh, more than friends way."

"...pffft, you're kidding."

"What!? No, I'm not!" 

Kokichi shot the other a dry look.

"There's no way that you like a jackass like m-"

Suddenly, Shuichi closed the distance between them.

The Detective positioned himself nearly in the other boy's lap, pressing his knee slightly into Kokichi's crotch. Taking a fist full of the Leader's hair, Shuichi pulled Kokichi's head back in a firm, but gentle, manner. He then _slowly_ licked up the other's neck and Adam's apple, all the way to the base of the jaw.

Kokichi nearly died on the spot.

Shuichi leaned in to purr into his ear,

"Sorry, I just haven't been able to help myself at all recently. You and Kiibo have been driving me wild for a while now."

Looking down at Shuichi, Kokichi saw a sly grin gracing the detective's lips. It was an expression that Kokichi has never seen on the other's face before.

Not that he minded all too much since the Leader was _very much_ enjoying himself. 

"Anyway," Shuichi continued, "I hope this is enough proof for you to know how serious I am."

"Uh, yeah, yep. It is. I gotcha, one hundred percent." Kokichi replied, trying to compose himself. "So, um, you want to go out with me? Are you sure that's a good idea? I'll probably never stop lying and joking around, like, ever."

"Kokichi." Shuichi started with a kind smile; while starring down at the smaller boy.

_Oh. There it is._

_There's the reason I fell for you._

"I like you for _you._ Your lies are a part of who you are, and I could never get sick of them. Or you."

_Oh fuck, I'm *really* fucked when it comes to you Shuichi._

"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, you're way too sappy Shumai! You're kinda going overboard."

The detective, looking a little bashful, replied, "Oh, uh, s-sorry. I just wanted to be honest and I couldn't help myself. So, um, what do you say? Are you cool with going out with me?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. There's just one thing that I wanna know first." Kokichi said, looking disinterested.

"What is it?"

"You said both me _and_ Kiiboy were driving you crazy. What does that mean?"

Again, an unfamiliar smile ghosted the other boy's face.

"Well, its what it sounds like. I want to date both you *and* Kiibo."

Kokichi turned to look in surprise at Shuichi, who had gotten out of his lap and sat next to him on the bed.

"Wait wait wait, you want to have a whatchamacallit with the both of us!?"

"Polyamorous relationship." Shuichi corrected.

"Sounds like "harem" but with extra steps."

Giving an amused look, the other explained.

"There are things that I love about the two of you ( _L_ _ove!? Did he say love!?_ ) that I think are incredible. So, even though this might sound kind of selfish, I want to enjoy those things at both of your sides.

"And I think," Shuichi said with a perceptive gaze, "that you like Kiibo a lot too."

Giving himself a moment or two to organize his response, Kokichi replied, "Maaaaaybe~ I mean I guess I'd be okay with dating you and Kii-baby while I'm at it. Neither of you guys would be able to slow down my ambitions for world domination in the slightest, so why not?"

"Oh, really!?" Shuichi exclaimed excitedly, grabbing Kokichi's hands in an earnest manner. "Oh thank goodness! I thought you might have said no."

_Fuck fuck shit fuck please don't blush like a shitty anime schoolgirl fuck shit-_

"Don't worry about it! It's all cool with me Shuichi ( _Oh my God I can say his first name so openly my heart-_ ) buuuuuuut I'm suuuuuper tired. So, uh, yeah. I'll talk to you later."

Making a soft noise of recognition, Shuichi got up and apologized. "Sorry, I didn't want to keep you up if you were heading to bed soon. I'll go ahead and go now."

Kokichi waved him off, saying, "No biggie. Anyway, talk to you la- mmph!?"

Shuichi had leaned down and, while taking the chance, kissed the other open-mouthed, with his tongue dancing along the roof of Kokichi's mouth. 

Kokichi was now definitely, _absolutely_ certain that today was a long-ass fever dream that he was having in the afterlife or some meta shit.

Pulling away from that (amazing) kiss with a soft, wet noise, Shuichi said with an angelic smile,

"I'll leave you be for now. Goodnight, Kokichi."

The detective expertly stepped out of the room, avoiding all the mess along the way, shutting the door behind him.

After a moment or two of silence, making sure that Shuichi had left for certain, Kokichi had gotten up and locked the door.

"....fuuuuuuuck."

Needless to say, Kokichi wasn't going to be going to bed just yet. He was much too frazzled and downright horny.

_Fuck it. It's been a while since I've played with my ass anyway._

== == == == == == ==

**Ultimate Disappointments**

== == == == == == ==

**Pantaslut420:** I'M SO FUCKING GAY

 **bobs and veggietales:** we been knew bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ultimate Disappointments  
> ==========================================================================
> 
> bobs and veggietales ----- Miu Iruma
> 
> korekihoe shingucci ----- Korekiyo Shinguji
> 
> Well-Hung Waifu ----- Kaede Akamatsu
> 
> Did I fucking stutter? ----- Maki Harukawa
> 
> Innocent ----- Gonta Gokuhara
> 
> lesbian? I thought you were japanese?: ----- Tenko Chabashira
> 
> Poirot but even cuter ----- Shuichi Saihara
> 
> Pantaslut420 ----- Kokichi Ouma
> 
> Atua is a voyeur ----- Angie Yonaga
> 
> ONII-CHNYAAAN~~ ----- Tsumugi Shirogane
> 
> Floppy-Disk ----- K1-B0 
> 
> Brojobs are a thing ----- Kaito Momota
> 
> dick staring contest ----- Ryoma Hoshi
> 
> cherrypop ----- Himiko Yumeno
> 
> Mother Goose ----- Kirumi Tojo
> 
> jacobs ladder ----- Rantaro Amami  
> ==========================================================================  
> Again, any and all feedback is appreciated! Let me know if these "real life" sections are any good! I make sure to read each and every comment!  
> Also, depending on how this fic progresses, I may end up making the fic 'Explicit'.  
> Stay tuned~!


	11. Secrets Are Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junko: I'm not gonna do the thing.
> 
> Also Junko: Does the thing cuz she has the impulse control of a child with a fork and an electrical socket.

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**copykebab:** I have returned.

 **hanging by a thread:** oh heyyyyyy!!! welcome back!!! :D

 **banana gremlin:** sup fatass

 **copykebab:** What's up fruit fucker?

 **little spoon:** AKJGLSKADJGSJKGHDJLADG

 **banana gremlin:** WHY ARE YOU ALL BULLYING MEEEEEEEEEE

 **shots shots shots:** _**SHUT THE FUCK UP** _

**tomato go BPLTT:** Mikan!? 

**tomato go BLPTT:** When are you gonna chill out again!?!?

 **shots shots shots:** sorry!! my song came up on shuffle and just ended

 **shots shots shots:** I hope I didn't make anyone upset with me :(

 **darkness kink:** I mean it was kinda hot.

 **shark kink:** STOP

 **salty god:** Welcome back Twogami.

 **BIG SPOON:** Twogami?

 **salty god:** Easier than saying "Imposter" or "Hey you over there", y'know?

 **copykebab:** Hello Hinata-san.

 **copykebab:** It seems I have missed quite a lot of action.

 **banana gremlin:** lmao as if you'd get any action anyway

 **copykebab:** And I see that Saionji is still a little whore and not getting any from Koizumi-san.

 **hanging by a thread:** AKJGFKARWHFKJHDGFASK

 **banana gremlin:** sHUT

 **salty god:** Yeah you've missed out on some shit but

 **salty god:** Oh god damnit

 **little spoon:**???

**Junko Enoshima has added Junko Enoshima to "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**Junko Enoshima has taken Admin rights from salty god.**

**little spoon:** OH GODDAMNIT

 **copykebab:** I'm going back to impersonating. I don't have time for this bitch.

 **Junko Enoshima:** RUWUDE

 **ice kink:** TRULY CANCEROUS

 **shots shots shots:** Hi Junko!!!!

 **banana gremlin:** oh god oh fuck

 **salty god:** YOU BITCH I SEE YOU 

**dink wakka splat:** Thank God Komaeda-san isn't here right now...

 **Junko Enoshima:** You seeeeee....

 **Junko Enoshima:** I was really bored out of my fucking skull, so I thought that I'd have a little bit of fun with you nerds :)

**Junko Enoshima has changed 16 names.**

**Junko Enoshima:** Let's see exactly how well you know each other lolololololol

 **Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class:** YOU WHORE YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS SHIT

 **Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class:** ALSO GODDAMNIT SHIT FUCK OFFFFFFFF

 **Junko Enoshima:** Oh well uh here's the thing

 **Junko Enoshima:** _I do whatever the fuck I want._

 **Junko Enoshima:** It's also a safeguard against Hajimeme since he'd be outting himself rn to take back control of the chat if I didn't change his name to something embarrassing :)

 **Likes it up the ass:** lol hajimeme

 **Likes it up the ass:** GODDAMNIT

 **Has 12 Terabytes of Porn:** THIS IS NOT OKAY ENOSHIMA-SAN

 **Had Some form of Sex with Everyone in Class:** **_You are so fucking dead._ **

**Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** WHO THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?

 **Asexual as Fuck:** Could be worse I suppose.

 **Gets High off Paint Thinner:** OH DEAR

 **Went to a Furry Con:** PAINT THINNER??!??!?

 **Went to a Furry Con:** WHY DO YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME FFS

 **Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears:** So, Enoshima has chosen... _**death.**_

 **Hates Furries:** _So has_ **@Went to a Furry Con**.

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** KAJSGFKLASDJGSKDJGFDA

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** WAIT WHAT NO

 **Asexual as Fuck:** Well I know that Komaeda-san is out right now, so I'm very curious to see who that is.

 **Biggest Tiddies in Class:** THIS IS A LITTLE ON THE NOSE AINT IT

 **Junko Enoshima:** Fun fact: **@Had Some form of Sex with Everyone in Class** has a thing for your tiddies lmao

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** noted lol

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** I AM GOING TO SHANK YOU **@Junko Enoshima**

 **Gets Along With Miu:** i mean mine's not so bad, but whOEVER LIT WATER ON FIRE I SWAER

 **Wanted in 8 Countries:** Uhhhhhhh

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** WHAT

 **Likes it up the ass:** oh deAR GOD EXPLAIN

 **Junko Enoshima:** Let the games begin, fuckheads uwu

 **Asexual as Fuck:** Okay, um well this is Chiaki.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Ugh, the ONE game you won't play along with, huh?

**Junko Enoshima has changed Asexual as Fuck's name to dink wakka splat.**

**dink wakka splat:** Sorry, but I hate the games you come up with.

 **Junko Enoshima:** waAaaaaaAAAAAAAAHH!!11!!1

 **Wanted in 8 Countries:** Perish.

 **dink wakka splat:** Would anyone else like to come forward of their own volition? 

**dink wakka splat:**

**dink wakka splat:** Well that's fine.

 **dink wakka splat:** I'll drag each and every one of you out and into the light, kicking and screaming :)

 **Went to a Furry Con:** jESUS

 **Gets High off Paint Thinner:** bet motherfucker

 **dink wakka splat:** Hello Tsumiki-san.

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** WHAT

**Junko Enoshima has changed Gets High off Paint Thinner's name to shots shots shots.**

**Has 12 Terabytes of Porn:** TSUMIKI-SAN WHY

 **shots shots shots:** because I hate my life and am constantly looking for an escape from the Hell that is my continued existence

 **shots shots shots:** also because Junko and Miu get high together with me

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** yo oh holy shit

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** you need a hug mikan??

 **Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class:** NOW I'M NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL

 **Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class:** BUT I DON'T THINK NURSES SHOULD BE PRACTICING MEDICINE IF THEY USE DRUGS OR GET HIGH AND SHIT

 **shots shots shots:** WHO THE _HELL_ ASKED YOU, BOTTOM?

 **Likes it up the ass:** LAKDJSFA;LSHT

 **Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** QLABGELAKJWRHKLASJHS

 **dink wakka splat:** Well, uh

 **dink wakka splat:** Any thoughts on who's who, Tsumiki-san?

 **shots shots shots:** I'd bet money that **@Gets Along With Miu** is Hanamura since both he and Miu are the perverts of their respective classes.

 **Gets Along With Miu:** okay fair

**Junko Enoshima has changed Gets Along With Miu's name to snausagelover69.**

**snausagelover69:** we get along since we're both the best in the world at what we do and because we're both the most well-versed when it comes to lewd

 **shots shots shots:** Die.

 **Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class:** dear god

 **snausagelover69:** also

 **snausagelover69: @Lit Water on FIre in the Kitchen** you are SO banned from the kitchen until forever

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** I'M SORRY WANTED TO BE NICE AND COOK SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE I PROMISE

 **snausagelover69:** _no goddamn excuse for li **GHTING FUCKING W A T E R ON F I R E**_

 **dink wakka splat:** You know, I think I know who **@Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class** is.

 **Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class:** SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH

 **dink wakka splat:** That's not how you ask for a favor Kuzuryu-san.

 **Went to a Furry Con:** Wait, really?

 **Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class:** DAMNIT

**Junko Enoshima has changed Biggest Sweet Tooth in Class's name to little spoon.**

**shots shots shots:** Nice to know that my bottom comment was absolutely correct.

 **little spoon:** FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

 **Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears:** Be quiet it's cute.

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** okay but who the fuck is **@Has 12 Terabytes of Porn**

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** i thought that was fucking porky the slut but i guess not

 **Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** pORKY THE SLUT

 **snausagelover69:** again, fair

 **snausagelover69:** but i only got like 11 who tf outclassed me?

**dink wakka splat:**

**dink wakka splat:** Sonia-san, please.

 **little spoon:** DEADASS???

 **Wanted in 8 Countries:** oh fOR GODS SAKE

 **Has 12 Terabytes of Porn:** IM SO SORRY PLEASE DONT TELL MY PARENTS

 **Went to a Furry Con:** ALKJHSGLAKJHKJSDKA

**Junko Enoshima has changed Has 12 Terabytes of Porn's name to darkness kink.**

**darkness kink:** I CANT HELP BUT BE ONE HORNY BITCH OKAY?!

 **Likes it up the ass:** SONIA-SAN P L E A S E

 **Hates Furries:** Leave her be.

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** oh my god

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** wait wait wait is **@Likes it up the ass** fuckin Souda

 **dink wakka splat:** I'd bet an amiibo on it.

**Likes it up the ass:**

**Likes it up the ass:** _how did you know_

 **Biggest Tiddies in Class:** ONE OF THE MORE OBVIOUS ONES, I GUESS.

**Junko Enoshima has changed Likes it up the ass's name to shark kink.**

**shots shots shots:** get fucked you white-knighting piece of shit

 **shots shots shots:** _literally_

 **snausagelover69:** KAJSGFSLKJDGAKSHG

 **shark kink:** IM NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS I USED TO BE I PROMISE

 **Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears:** Nice to know that Tanaka-san performs well, I suppose.

 **shark kink:** AAGJGJGJAGFJAGHJHGAGgAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **darkness kink:** Hell yeah he does.

 **shark kink:** **S T O P**

**Went to a Furry Con:** Tanaka-san must be beet red right now lol

 **Hates Furries:** _Be silent you unholy affront to nature, you blasphemer against the laws of the world._

 **Hates Furries:** _Keep my name out of your F I L T H Y ~~**M O U T H.**~~_

 **little spoon:** ALJKGHLAKJSHF GUNDHAM!?!?

**Junko Enoshima has changed Hates Furries's name to ice kink.**

**ice kink: @Went to a Furry Con** Once I find out who you are, I'm feeding you to a pack of wild dogs _so you can yiff in hell._

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** LKAJSGFKAJHGSKFJ

 **Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** whats so wrong with being a furry?

 **ice kink:** As the Ultimate Breeder, I care for and love all of my familiars. I raise them, train them, and cherish them. Then some braindead no-lifes decide to be like "uuuuHH i IdEntiFY aS A fOX" or "My fUrSoNA is A fLYiNG SQuiRrEL" or something and they sexualize animals. _Animals._ The same animals that I put my blood, sweat, and tears into caring for and raising into my familiars. If I had it my way, I'd wipe every furry off the face of the planet by the power of the familiars that I've raised, but knowing how depraved those subhuman creatures are, they'd probably get off to it.

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** whoa dude is it really that serious?

 **ice kink:** THERE'S NOTHING HOT ABOUT DOG DICK I DONT UNDERSTAND

 **little spoon:** AALKSJGFAKJGFSKJD

 **shots shots shots:** QLIWEJGHLKJSLKHFAKJDHKAS

 **Junko Enoshima:** lol red rocket me daddy

 **Had Some form of Sex with Everyone in Class:** _**D i e.**_

 **ice kink:** [would-you-like-to-be-buried-in-spiders?.gif](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/354/998/380.gif)

 **shark kink:** can confirm that he's shaking in homicidal rage

 **darkness kink:** Hot.

 **Junko Enoshima:** Lmaooooooo you guys wild

 **Junko Enoshima:** Anyway continue the game already I'm getting bored :/

 **Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** well uh **@Biggest Tiddies in Class** is coach nekomaru

 **Biggest Tiddies in Class:** YES, IT'S ME.

**Junko Enoshima has changed Biggest Tiddies in Class's name to bara tiddies & shit.**

**snausagelover69:** living up to the username i see

 **Went to a Furry Con:** Wait is **@Fistfought a Child for crying too loud** Owari-san?

 **Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** yeah

 **Went to a Furry Con:** YOU SHOULDN'T HIT CHILDREN

 **Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** they were loud af and irritating

 **Fistfought a Child for crying too loud:** i'll spike em like a motherfucking volleyball if i feel like it

 **shark kink:** SAJKKHFAJHFSJGSHJ

 **shots shots shots:** were they hiyoko?

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** mIKAN

**Junko Enoshima has changed Fistfought a Child for crying too loud's name to food & tiddies.**

**dink wakka splat:** Okay, let's see

 **dink wakka splat:** The people left to guess are Pekoyama, Saionji, Koizumi, Mioda, Twogami, and Hajime.

 **Junko Enoshima:** :^)

 **dink wakka splat:** Um, now Tanaka-san.

 **dink wakka splat:** Please go easy on Koizumi-san.

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** wait why

 **ice kink:** KOIZUMI

 **Went to a Furry Con:** I'm not Koizumi I promise.

**Junko Enoshima has changed Went to a Furry Con's name to tomato go BPLTT.**

**tomato go BPLTT:** GODDAMNIT

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** MAHIRU!?

**ice kink: K̷̥̘̊̊Ö̵͓̮́̀I̴̫̓̇Z̶̥͐̏U̸̱̎M̵̱̮̋̒İ̴̥͘**

**food & tiddies: **she likes red rockets or whatever i guess?

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** nO

 **dink wakka splat:** I remembered Hajime saying something about Koizumi going to a con a while back to get her to confess to commissioning those porn photos.

 **little spoon:** oh yeah

 **little spoon:** jesus that felt like forever ago

 **darkness kink:** KOIZUMI-SAN PLEASE EXPLAIN ME AND KAZUICHI CANT HOLD HIM BACK FOR LONG

 **shark kink:** hES GONNA GET THE SNAKEAMJSHFGJHASFJKDFGA

 **tomato go BPLTT:** WAITWAITWAIT

 **tomato go BPLTT:** I WAS COMMISSIONED TO TAKE PHOTOS FOR SOME RICH CLIENTS I SWEAR ON MY POLAROID CAMERA

 **tomato go BPLTT:** I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT SNAP PHOTOS I WAS EMBARRASSED EVEN BEING THERE

**ice kink:**

**ice kink:** Nagini will not feed today, it seems.

 **Wanted in 8 Countries:** Harry Potter. Really?

 **ice kink:** _Silence._

 **dink wakka splat:** I also figured out who **@Would Fuck Hajime** is.

 **Would Fuck Hajime:** YOU DONT KNOW SHIT

 **dink wakka splat:** Would you like to do the honors, Tsumiki-san?

 **shots shots shots:** I KNEW I SMELLED BITCH FROM THAT NAME

 **shots shots shots:** YOU CANT EVEN LESBIAN RIGHT HIYOKO

 **darkness kink:** AKJAGFPJMFKAFGSJKGHSKD

 **Junko Enoshima:** IUEJAGKEURHFLVNBIBSUGCF

 **tomato go BPLTT:** HIYOKO!?!?!

**Junko Enoshima has changed Would Fuck Hajime's name to banana gremlin.**

**banana gremlin:** leT ME EXPLAIN MYSELF

 **Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears:** Weren't you the one who consistently had a negative reaction to the lewd photos of Hinata-san?

**Junko Enoshima:[lewd-bait-for-idiots.jpg](https://i3.myreadingmanga.info/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/MRM_full2B4-4.jpg)**

**little spoon:** OH DEAR GOD

 **dink wakka splat:** Okay seriously who is drawing all of this?

 **Junko Enoshima:** :^)

 **food & tiddies: **komaeda gonna be either real happy or real angry

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** lmao hinata must be livid

 **shots shots shots: @banana gremlin** explain then

**banana gremlin:**

**banana gremlin:**

**banana gremlin:** HES SMART, KIND, HOT, AND HAS BIG TIDDY I CANT HELP IT

 **darkness kink:** ALKJAGEFLKAJGKJSF

 **bara tiddies & shit:** JKALSDGOAKJSGDHFKV

 **little spoon:** i mean mood

 **tomato go BPLTT:** Same actually

 **shark kink:** ^^^

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmaooooooooooo

 **dink wakka splat:** All that's left to guess are Pekoyama, Mioda, Twogami, and Hajime.

 **Junko Enoshima:** :^^^)

 **Wanted in 8 Countries:**?

 **dink wakka splat:** Come forward now, it'll make it easier on both you and me :)

 **little spoon:** evil smile

**shots shots shots: ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ**

**Junko Enoshima:** Atta girl.

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** if i had to name a song after this game, it would be a rock song titled "This Class is Wild, But at Least We aren't Cunts like Junko."

 **ice kink:** I would gladly purchase a copy of said song.

 **food & tiddies: **same

 **snausagelover69:** again

 **snausagelover69:** youre ultra banned from my kitchen mioda

 **Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen:** I SAID I WAS SORRY

**Junko Enoshima has changed Lit Water on Fire in the Kitchen's name to hanging by a thread.**

**dink wakka splat:** Three left.

 **dink wakka splat:** Any ideas on which one Pekoyama is, Kuzuryu-san?

 **little spoon:** yeah this isnt too hard

 **little spoon:** **@Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears** peko pls

 **hanging by a thread:** wait really?

 **Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears:** I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE FLUFFY THINGS I CAN'T HELP IT

 **darkness kink:** Aww!

 **ice kink:** Is this... emotion?

 **snasagelover69:** wholesome

 **little spoon:** (@◝__◜@)

 **little spoon:** maybe later I guess

 **Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears:** YES!!!!

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmao straight

**Junko Enoshima has changed Wants their S/O to wear Cat Ears's name to BIG SPOON.**

**dink wakka splat:**

**dink wakka splat:** No matter the outcome, I feel disappointed in the both of you.

**Wanted in 8 Countries:**

**Had Some form of Sex with Everyone in Class:**

**shark kink:** christ these names

 **snausagelover69:** i respect one and fear the other

 **shots shots shots:** oh holy shit I think I know whos who

 **dink wakka splat:** Same, actually.

**dink wakka splat: @Had Some form of Sex with Everyone in Class _You better have a good explanation Hajime._**

**little spoon:** wHAT

 **shark kink:** BRO

 **Junko Enoshima:** _N-nya~~_

 **Wanted in 8 Countries:** Are all masterminds horny degenerates? 

**Junko Enoshima has changed Had Some form of Sex with Everyone in Class's name to salty slut.**

**tomato go BPLTT:** AKGFKJAHSGDKJSVGK

 **shots shots shots:** QIYTQGKJFSHAFKGGKJHS

**Junko Enoshima has changed Wanted in 8 Countries's name to copykebab.**

**darkness kink:** _Eight countries?_

 **copykebab:** Mainly from identity theft.

 **copykebab:** Being an imposter isn't necessarily "legal", per se. 

**hanging by a thread:** i mean i guess that makes sense

 **banana gremlin:** **@salty slut** eXPLAIN RIGHT NOW FUCKHEAD

 **salty slut:** Oh damnit fine.

 **salty slut:** There was an extra mode in the simulation that I went through to recover everyone's data.

 **salty slut:** I basically couldn't go through it without dating everyone and learning more about you guys.

 **salty slut:** BUT I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH ALL OF YOU

 **Junko Enoshima:** Okay fine that much is true.

 **Junko Enoshima:** More like a little over half.

 **tomato go BPLTT:** WHO????

 **salty slut:** No comment.

**Junko Enoshima: ;)**

**bara tiddies & shit: **WAIT

 **bara tiddies & shit: **YOU HAVE A THING FOR MY CHEST HINATA?

**salty slut:**

**salty slut:** No comment.

 **little spoon:** oh mY GOD

 **salty slut:** Playtime's over you bitch **@Junko Enoshima**

 **salty slut:** Get out the group chat and _**stay gone.**_

 **Junko Enoshima:** No can do Hajimeme.

 **Junko Enoshima:** You guys still need to finish the game~

 **dink wakka splat:** Wait what?

 **Literally Dying:** WHY IS SHE HERE AGAIN YOU FUCKING BITCH

 **shark kink:** um

 **food & tiddies: **tf are you?

**salty slut: YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD JUNKO.**

**Junko Enoshima has changed Literally Dying's name to hope > ketamine.**

**hope > ketamine has left "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**tomato go BPLTT:** WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

 **Junko Enoshima:** lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 **Junko Enoshima:** Bored now, so I gave you guys that freebie :/

 **dink wakka splat:** Hajime, what's going on?

**salty slut has given salty slut Admin rights.**

**salty slut has taken Admin rights from Junko Enoshima.**

**Junko Enoshima:** Heeeeeeeeey :((((((((

**salty slut has removed Junko Enoshima from "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**BIG SPOON:** Hinata-san, what was with Komaeda-san's name change?

 **salty slut:** Fucking goddamnit.

 **salty slut:** I'd rather not have that been revealed like that.

 **little spoon:** wait is komaeda actually dying or something?

 **salty slut: @shots shots shots** I just sent you general info on what's going on. Explain it to them.

 **salty slut:** I'm going to go comfort my boyfriend. 

**shots shots shots:** okay!! 

**dink wakka splat: @salty slut** Hajime

 **dink wakka splat:** Wow I'm actually really mad right now.

 **shots shots shots:** IM SORRY

 **dink wakka splat:** Not at you Tsumiki-san.

 **banana gremlin:** fucking read out whatever he sent you already

 **shots shots shots:** okay i wi

 **shark kink:**??

 **shark kink: @shots shots shots** gonna explain to the rest of us what the fucks going on?

 **shots shots shots:** sorry, i needed a moment

 **shots shots shots:** wow, okay

 **shots shots shots:** Komaeda-san is suffering from Stage 3 malignant lymphoma and frontal-temporal dementia.

**dink wakka splat: _WHAT_**

**copykebab:** ARE YOU SERIOUS?

 **food & tiddies: **wait is that bad?

 **shots shots shots:** Essentially

 **shots shots shots:** He has cancer and brain damage.

 **banana gremlin:** FUCKING WHAT

 **little spoon:** WHAT ThE FUCK?????

 **tomato go BPLTT:** SINCE WHEN **@shots shots shots**

 **shots shots shots:** according to what Hinata sent me like a few years

 **shots shots shots:** even before the simulation

 **snausagelover69:** oh my god

 **bara tiddies & shit: **THATS A HUGE SECRET TO KEEP FOR THAT LONG

 **food & tiddies: **IM GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF JUNKO

 **darkness kink:** I'm rather upset right now.

 **shark kink: @ice kink** babe get the snake

 **dink wakka splat:** I hope Hajime can comfort him :(

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Hajime Hinata:** Nagito open the door.

 **Nagito Komaeda:** Evryone knows the truth now thanks to her

 **Nagito Komaeda:** She had no righ t bringing that up

 **Hajime Hinata:** Don't worry about _her_ , I'll take care of that.

**Hajime Hinata: Soon.**

**Hajime Hinata:** Open up, I want to hug you.

**Nagito Komaeda:**

**Nagito Komaeda:** Fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"  
> ====================================================================================  
> salty slut: ----- Hajime Hinata
> 
> hope > ketamine: ----- Nagito Komaeda
> 
> dink wakka splat: ----- Chiaki Nanami
> 
> little spoon: ----- Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu
> 
> BIG SPOON: ----- Peko Pekoyama
> 
> banana gremlin: ----- Hiyoko Saionji
> 
> tomato go BPLTT: ----- Mahiru Koizumi
> 
> shots shots shots: ----- Mikan Tsumiki
> 
> darkness kink: ----- Sonia Nevermind
> 
> ice kink: ----- Gundham Tanaka
> 
> shark kink: ----- Kazuichi Soda
> 
> hanging by a thread: ----- Ibuki Mioda
> 
> food & tiddies: ----- Akane Owari
> 
> bara tiddies & shit: ----- Nekomaru Nidai
> 
> snausagelover69: ----- Teruteru Hanamura
> 
> copykebab: ----- Byakuya Twogami / Imposter  
> ====================================================================================  
> (I don't own any artwork showcased in this fic. I don't have the talent lol)  
> Yeaaaaah, I've got lewd plans, so I'll be changing the rating sometime later in the coming chapters. Hopefully eveyone will be okay with that.  
> I love all the comments! Thank each and every single one of you for your support! :)


	12. Junko Feels Despair (Kinda)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bippity boppity bitch gonna get it.

Hajime Hinata had, through _very_ ethically immoral and questionable means, become an existence that can be considered equal to (or even above) that of Junko Enoshima. He felt many things that she did. Boredom, apathy, hopelessness, and so on and so forth. These two people, who were barely human at all, are more alike than they would care to admit.

That's exactly why Hajime Hinata, pissed as all hell, knew _exactly_ how to make Junko suffer.

And he would enjoy every second of it.

== == == == == == ==

**OG Killing Squad**

**== == == == == == ==**

**ebony dark'ness:** Kirigiri-san, could you change our names to something not idiotic?

 **Agatha Christie:** I have a feeling about what would happen if I tried.

 **glucose guardian:** Change our names before the pig-tailed whore comes back.

 **scissor me timbers:** Grr... Master, please call me that, not Junko.

 **glucose guardian:** Who are you again?

 **WANABEEEE:** ALKJDFALSKFJGSDK

 **ebony dark'ness:** Change our names.

 **Agatha Christie:** "Change our names" what?

 **ebony dark'ness:** Now.

 **glucose guardian:** Now.

**Agatha Christie has muted ebony dark'ness and glucose guardian for 45 minutes. Reason:** **Because you both are spoiled brats.**

**diamond nipples:** lmao get fucked assholes

 **its all ogre now:** Hopefully they will learn some decency.

 **egg:** wait what do you think will happen Kyoko?

 **Agatha Christie:** Better to show you outright, I suppose.

 **Agatha Christie:** I think I'll start by changing Maizono and Kuwata's names.

**Junko Enoshima has added Junko Enoshima to OG Killing Squad.**

**egg:** oh D:

**Junko Enoshima has taken Admin rights from Agatha Christie.**

**Junko Enoshima has changed their name to dis bear despairs.**

**dis bear despairs:** nuh-uh

 **dis bear despairs:** These names are mint as fuck. No one gets to change them but me.

 **their our know rules:** HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT KIRIGIRI-SAN WAS GOING TO CHANGE PEOPLES NAMES YOU WERENT EVEN HERE

 **dis bear despairs:** uwu

 **love on the battlefield:** god I hate you.

 **dis bear despairs:** You wuv me and my biggew bwain, don'tcha big sis~?

 **scissor me timbers:** God I hate furries.

 **headache and t pose:** mood

**egg: gUYS**

**dis bear despairs:** Anywho, what did I miss~?

 **dis bear despairs:** Any more "surprise" romances being announced or lewd things about each other being revealed?

 **egg:** um no not really

 **loves kakyoin:** yeah it's been chill for a bit

 **its all ogre now:** Thankfully.

**dis bear despairs:**

**dis bear despairs:** UGH

 **dis bear despairs:** BOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG

 **love on the battlefield:** fucking deal with it you whiny bitch

 **dis bear despairs:** hol up

 **dis bear despairs:** Lemme do The Thing™.

 **Agatha Christie:**? The Thing?

 **dis bear despairs:** Oh dear, its sooooooooo boring and soooooooo peaceful!!

 **dis bear despairs:** I hope it stays this way and nothing interesting at all will happen!!!

 **pussy? don't know her:** what are you doing?

 **dis bear despairs:** Poking at the universe with the "prove me wrong" stick.

 **bootleg miku:** Are you high again?

 **dis bear despairs:** kinda

 **their our know rules:** WHAT

 **diamond nipples:** babe just let it go shes a lost cause

 **dis bear despairs:** _n-nya~~~_

 **scissor me timbers:** _**I swear to Christ.** _

**Hajime Hinata has added Hajime Hinata to OG Killing Squad.**

**dis bear despairs:**

**dis bear despairs:** uh oh

 **egg:**??????????

 **egg:** Hinata-senpai????

**Hajime Hinata has taken Admin rights from dis bear despairs.**

**Hajime Hinata has placed the account belonging to dis bear despairs into The Gay Baby jail.**

**diamond nipples:** ALKJAGLFKGKDSBJLKJHFA

 **dennys at 3 am:** GKHKALJGGJDAKLJKOPIJLKJ;P

**dis bear despairs: WHAT**

**Hajime Hinata:** I added your account to a program that completely denies you access to any kind of admin rights, as well as prevents you from hopping around different chats without permission.

**dis bear despairs: _W H A T_**

**love on the battlefield:[lmaooooo-get-fucked!!.gif](https://i.gifer.com/Bznk.gif)**

**headache and t pose:** could you guys not mess with my app foR FIVE MINUTES

 **Hajime Hinata:** It's time for payback you fucking bitch.

 **egg:** um Junko

 **dis bear despairs:** uwu

 **egg:** what did you do?

 **dis bear despairs:** ;;>w>

 **love on the battlefield:** speak or so help me I'll eat your makeup pallets.

 **bootleg miku:** wait what

 **dis bear despairs:** I may have let a teeeeeeeensy little secret spill about his boyfriend Komaeda.

 **Agatha Christie:** Komaeda? The same Komaeda that blew up the Hope's Peak gym when we all attended there? The Komaeda that brought illegal firearms onto campus and somehow into the country? You're dating THAT Komaeda?

 **Hajime Hinata:** Yes.

**Agatha Christie:**

**Agatha Christie:** Really?

 **WANABEEEE:** you really shading his ass like this huh?

 **egg:** okay how bad was the secret

 **dis bear despairs:** Oh nothing big.

 **dis bear despairs:** Just outted the fact that he was dying of cancer lololololol

 **love on the battlefield:** WHAT

 **bootleg miku:** oh my god WOW

 **its all ogre now:** **_E n o s h i m a._ **

**diamond nipples:** YO THATS FUCKED UP

**headache and t pose: D:**

**dis bear despairs:** Oh come on. Waah wah, people die of cancer every day. It's not that big of a deal :/

 **Hajime Hinata:** It is to me.

 **Hajime Hinata:** You had no right revealing such an important secret. 

**Hajime Hinata:** So get ready for payback bitch.

 **dis bear despairs:** Kamakura Kamakura yaaaaaas qween

 **dis bear despairs:** Slaaaaaaaaaaaaay meeeeeeeeeeeeee

**Hajime Hinata has added Yasuke Matsuda to OG Killing Squad.**

**dis bear despairs:** i taKE IT BACK

 **love on the battlefield:** ah shit

 **egg:** um who is this

 **love on the battlefield:** Junko's boyfriend

 **loves kakyoin:** :0

 **bootleg miku:** _spill some goddamn tea_

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Who the fuck pinged me?

 **Hajime Hinata:** Yasuke.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Oh hey Hajime.

 **dis bear despairs:** hey boo uwu

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Oh Christ the fucking trashy braindead slagwhore is here.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Fucking great.

 **dennys at 3 am:** now i know I'm stupid but even i know thats not very boyfriendy

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Fuck off.

 **Hajime Hinata:** She talked about Komaeda's condition for shits and giggles.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Oh WOW Junko.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Could you not be an attention whore for five seconds and have people live out their lives without you speaking?

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Or better yet breathing?

 **loves kakyoin:** uhhhhhh

 **loves kakyoin:** are you sure they're dating??

 **Hajime Hinata:** Would you mind spilling some secrets about your childhood "friend" to her class as payback?

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Pick up a copy of the latest Shonen Jump and we'll call it even.

 **dis bear despairs:** wAIT NO

 **scissor me timbers:** Ugh, _manga._

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Did I ask the peanut gallery for any commentary? No, I didn't.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Shut the fuck up.

 **egg:** uh Hajime he seems kinda mean

 **Hajime Hinata:** Yeah Junko stabbed him.

 **Hajime Hinata:** (Spoilers)

 **their our know rules:** JUNKO DID _WHAT_

 **love on the battlefield:** oh yeah I forgot about that

 **Agatha Christie: @dis bear despairs** You _stabbed_ your own boyfriend?

 **dis bear despairs:** yes

 **pussy? don't know her:** WHY!?!??!?

 **dis bear despairs:** Felt like it.

 **Hajime Hinata:** I'll pick you up a copy next time I'm on my way to see you, as well as a thing of kusamochi for us to split.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Hell yes.

 **dis bear despairs:** Oi, you have a boyfriend. Leave mine alone.

 **Hajime Hinata:** No we're just friends trust me.

 **Hajime Hinata:** Bonded a lot over the whole "my brain being fucked with" thing and being uber salty 24/7.

 **loves kakyoin:** what

 **dennys at 3 am:** wait what?

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Anyway, yeah, let's get this over with.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Junko actually has brown hair and brown eyes. She wears colored contacts and dyes her hair to make sure no one knows that she's not a natural blonde.

 **bootleg miku:** WAIT REALLY??

**scissor me timbers: I FUCKING KNEW IT**

**dis bear despairs:** bABE YOU SNITCH

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** This is what happens when you act like a shithead you ugly pig.

 **love on the battlefield:** oh wait you guys didn't know?

 **love on the battlefield:** like how to would a Japanese girl be born with a black-haired fraternal twin and be naturally blonde?

 **pussy? don't know her:** your gf has white hair

**love on the battlefield:**

**love on the battlefield:** fair enough

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Now you know that she's even more of a fake bitch than you all thought previously.

 **scissor me timbers:** ARE HER BOOBS FAKE TOO???

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** No.

 **bootleg miku:** damnit

 **loves kakyoin:** damn

 **scissor me timbers:** DAMNIT

 **dis bear despairs:** uwu

 **WANABEEEE:** lol kirigiri just did the "tch" thing

 **Agatha Christie:** Quiet.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Oh yeah, she for some reason wants to sleep with some guy named Makoto? 

**Yasuke Matsuda:** I pity him.

**Agatha Christie: WHAT?**

**bootleg miku:** JUNKO!?!??

 **dis bear despairs:** Okay I mean kinda?

 **dis bear despairs:** It'd be kinda hot to see his o face and then break him apart to his basest essence and see him writhe in agony.

 **egg:** D: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **egg:** I!!! DO NOT CONSENT!!!!

 **love on the battlefield:** Thank you very much for letting me know about this fact, Yusuke-kun.

 **love on the battlefield:** I will take care of this shortly :)

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** Alright, cool.

 **love on the battlefield: @its all ogre now** Squad up with me for a final hunt?

 **dis bear despairs:** WAIT

 **its all ogre now:** I shall bring along class 77's Akane Owari and Peko Pekoyama so we have a "four man".

 **WANABEEEE:** AKJHGLAKFGLKAJS

 **dennys at 3 am:** JHGOAEGFLPOPIJKHJ

 **diamond nipples:** fuck em up

 **their our know rules:** Mondo and I will be in my room if anyone (besides Junko) needs anything.

 **dis bear despairs:** OI

 **headache and t pose:** lmao gay

 **their our know rules:** Why yes, yes we will be.

 **egg:** TAKA????

 **diamond nipples:** H

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** I'm getting bored, so here's one last bit of dirt before I do something actually worth my time.

 **Yasuke Matsuda:** She's ticklish and hates it with a passion.

 **dis bear despairs:** Y U S U K E

 **love on the battlefield:** _Oh really?_

 **its all ogre now:** **_What an interesting fact._ **

**Hajime Hinata:** Go for the legs and underarms since that's where the most sensitive areas are.

 **dis bear despairs:** And just like an absentee father 

**dis bear despairs:** _**I DISAPPEAR** _

**love on the battlefield: You think you'll be safe from me?**

 **Hajime Hinata:** Check under the garden shed near the back of the sports emporium. 

**dis bear despairs: _S N I T C H_**

**Hajime Hinata:** Rot you fucking despair happy dipshit.

**Hajime Hinata has given Admin rights to Agatha Christie.**

**Hajime Hinata has left OG Killing Squad.**

**dis bear despairs:** bABE

 **Yusuke Matsuda:** I'm going back to bed. Make sure that Junko is out of commission for like a week.

**dis bear despairs: BABE**

**Yusuke Matsuda has left OG Killing Squad.**

**love on the battlefield:** I'm going to hunt your ass down and eviscerate you like a creature from Bloodborne.

 **WANABEEEE:** jesus

 **dis bear despairs:** LA _HEE_

== == == == == == ==

**two bitches and an ahogay**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Thing V3:** Status update.

 **Thing 2:** Oh shit right this is a thing.

 **Thing 2:** Anything overtly happening with Saihara?

 **Thing V3:** It's hard to say. When he's interacting with everyone in the common room or dining area, he's completely normal. 

**Thing V3:** However, I think something happened between him and Ouma.

 **Thing 2:** Grape rat?

 **Thing V3:** Yes.

 **Thing V3:** There's a lot more physical contact between the two then before. I think that they're going out but haven't told anyone the truth yet.

 **Thing 1:** Lmao they fuck yet?

 **Thing 2:** Aren't you in the middle of running away like a little bitch right now?

 **Thing V3:**???

 **Thing 1:** You see the thing is is that I'M SMARTER THAN ALL OF YOU.

== == == == == == ==

**Direct Message between Hajime Hinata and Mukuro Ikusaba**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Hajime Hinata:** Check the ceiling in the art room, there's an empty space up there where she'd hide.

**Mukuro Ikusaba:[“ψ(｀∇´)ψ.jpeg](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTPbs3enU2ZbCiNl99xhMNEFuVb2M13agh4pzLUq6coZiBkiXJ1&usqp=CAU)**

== == == == == == ==

**two bitches and an ahogay**

== == == == == == ==

**Thing 1:** HAJIME YUO DIRTY WHOREALAKJSFAK

 **Thing V3:** Is Junko being hunted down again?

 **Thing 2:** Doesn't matter. 

**Thing 2:** Saihara is still a priority to keep watch over. Make sure he doesn't do something fucked up to Ouma or K1-B0.

 **Thing V3:** Understood. Being inconspicuous is something I pride myself in being pretty damn good at.

**Thing 1: @Thing 2 @Thing 2 @Thing 2**

**Thing 2:** Oh my God what

 **Thing 1:** Tsumugi is the one who drew all the lewd art of you for Komaeda.

**Thing 2: _F U C K I N G W H A T_**

**Thing 2:** _**ITS??? NOT YONAGA????** _

**Thing 1:** Fuck both of you lolololololol

 **Thing V3:** I have no idea what she's talking about I need to watch Saihara so have fun be safe don't do drugs ttyl

 **Thing 2:** _**SHIROGANE** _

**Thing 1:** MY PITSAKJHGSFJKGAHKGK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OG Killing Squad  
> ==========================================================================  
> egg: ----- Makoto Naegi
> 
> Agatha Christie: ----- Kyoko Kirigiri
> 
> love on the battlefield: ----- Mukuro Ikusaba
> 
> glucose guardian: ----- Byakuya Togami
> 
> scissor me timbers: ----- Toko Fukawa
> 
> dis bear despairs: -----Junko Enoshima
> 
> loves kakyoin: ----- Aoi Asahina
> 
> dennys at 3 am: ----- Yasuhiro Hagakure
> 
> WANABEEEE: ----- Leon Kuwata
> 
> bootleg miku: ----- Sayaka Maizono
> 
> ebony dark’ness: ----- Celestia Ludenburg
> 
> pussy? don’t know her: ----- Hifumi Yamada
> 
> its all ogre now: ----- Sakura Ogami
> 
> diamond nipples: ----- Mondo Owada
> 
> their our know rules: ----- Kiyotaka Ishimaru
> 
> headache and t pose: ----- Chihiro Fujisaki  
> \+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + 
> 
> two bitches and an ahogay
> 
> Thing 1: ----- Junko Enoshima  
> Thing 2: ----- Hajime Hinata  
> Thing V3: ----- Tsumugi Shirogane  
> ==========================================================================
> 
> Hey guys, sorry for such a long delay. Finals are brutal and I've got a lot of responsibility taking care of my parents, since they suffer from conditions that make them prime targets for COVID-19. I'm not giving up on this fic or anything, I'm having way too much fun writing it. Expect some ~saucy~ stuff next chapter, and thank you all for reading and commenting on this fic. It means a lot to me.
> 
> Stay safe and slay snitches everyone!


	13. A Not-So-Practical Self Assessment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like in Metal Gear Solid, the "!" ***always*** means danger. Or in this case, "!!!" repeated, like, fourteen times.
> 
> Also, what the fuck did I just write?
> 
> (Alternative title: A Hella NSFW Self-Assessment. If you want to avoid it, make sure to look for what's mentioned above. Those segments will begin and end like that. You have been warned.)
> 
> Edit: Any section that begins with several "!!! !!!" in the transition will be NSFW material that is completely optional to read.

Tsumugi Shirogane was always an inconspicuous, invisible, and plain girl. She never wished to stand out or attract attention, positive or negative. To this plain genius, being an architect behind the curtain and witnessing her heroes and friends stand bravely in the limelight granted her a sense of intrinsic satisfaction like nothing else ever would.

And today, too, on a (relatively) average day, she would calmly observe her friends, all the while supporting them from behind the scenes.

The day had started out just as usual, with most of her classmates hanging around the dining area and scrounging for breakfast, with the exception of the more notable "fuck mornings" people (i.e. Ryoma, Maki, Himiko, and Rantaro). Kirumi and Kaede were chatting amicably in the kitchen, basically borderline flirting; while Korekiyo and Angie were discussing the intricacies of various art styles used in popular animistic island religions, such as those seen in the Polynesian islands. Gonta was having an intense discussion with Tenko about how _yes_ butterflies were pretty, but spiders were pretty too (much to the Aikido Master's barely hidden disgust). Everything on that front seemed to be going as expected with them, Tsumugi surmised.

The real issue is what was going on immediately to her left.

Shuichi was being grabbed in the middle by a whining Kokichi, who had just put vanilla pudding on Kaito's eyebrows (and _just_ his eyebrows somehow).

"WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Shumai, Kaito's bullying me!!!" 

"I'M NOT BULLYING YOU YOU GRAPE FUCKER, I'M ASKING WHY YOU PUT SHIT ON MY FACE!?"

"To make your stupid face look better, _duh_!"

Shuichi was sipping at his morning coffee with an exasperated manner, just wanting to finish his breakfast in peace.

While Kokichi and Kaito continued bickering back and forth obnoxiously, Tsumugi had noticed Shuichi sneak his hand directly on Kokichi's back, rubbing soothing circles back and forth. Besides Kokichi slightly leaning into the touch, the two of them gave nothing away. Tsumugi was somewhat reminded of a content bastard lap cat and its owner.

 _Well, it's official. They finally got together. Too bad most everyone is too dense to see what's happening right in front of them._ _I need to keep a closer eye on them._

Tsumugi was rudely interrupted from her thoughts by the dining room doors being kicked open by an overly excited Miu Iruma.

"LISTEN UP FUCKWADS AND ABORTIONS, I'VE GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!"

Everyone (including Kaede and Kirumi who came out of the kitchen with their breakfast) stared at her for a few seconds before promptly returning to their respective conversations.

_Dear god, glad to know everyone is still savage as all hell._

"H-hey! This is important!" Miu continued in a more subdued manner.

Sighing, Kaede took the bait and asked, "What's the announcement, Iruma-san?"

Perking up immediately, Miu announced the following:

"Tomorrow, Kiibo will have all the final touches done to him, so he'll be able to rejoin us, new and improved!" 

_Uh-oh._

Kokichi immediately asked excitedly, "Is he gonna have a jetpack and lasers and grenades and stuff!?!"

"While that'd be badass as shit, nah. He's gonna look so goddamn human, you idiots wouldn't know the difference! BAHHAHAAA!" she answered, looking super smug.

That definitely got everyone's attention.

Miu was immediately bombarded with questions from all sides, being asked things like "Where is he now?" "Wait, is he gonna look completely different?" "How the hell would that even work?"

While Miu was getting flustered by all of the attention and enthusiasm, Tsumugi noticed something.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that Shuichi hasn't moved a single muscle upon hearing the announcement. After facing just _sliiiightly_ more toward him to get a better look at him, she looked toward his face and knew immediately that something was off.

The Detective's expression, unseen by everyone save Tsumugi, looked... off. He was smiling to himself, but not in a way she has seen him smile before. It took a moment or two for it to finally register what she was seeing reminded her of.

It reminded her of a smile of a ravenous wolf, which had finally cornered his long-sought-after prey.

_Ooooohhhhh shit._

== == == == == == ==

**Direct message between Tsumugi Shirogane and Miu Iruma**

== == == == == == ==

**Tsumugi Shirogane:** Iruma-san, may I talk to you?

 **Miu Iruma:** oh shit whaddup plain jane

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** I have some questions about how Kiibo is doing.

 **Miu Iruma:** oi like I told everyone in the dining area, yall can fuckin wait till tomorrow and see it with your own two eyes

 **Miu Iruma:** or well four in your case

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Much original, very funny.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** I'm just worried about something that pertains to Kiibo, that's all. 

**Miu Iruma:** wait whats going on

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** I'd tell you, but you can't keep a secret to save your life.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Just know that I want what's best for everyone, and I would appreciate it if you would trust me.

**Miu Iruma:**

**Miu Iruma:** Is this really that serious?

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Possibly. I can't say for certain.

 **Miu Iruma:** Ugggghhhhh fine I'll let you know how badass I am and what I did to Keebs

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Thank you, Iruma-san.

 **Miu Iruma:** I'm only telling you because I know you keep this shit on the down-low, and that you've been trying to do your best to help everyone after that fucking simulation horseshit.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Thank you, Iruma-san.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** If you need help confessing to Akamatsu-san, I'll be your wingman.

 **Miu Iruma:** fFUCKING HUH

 **Miu Iruma:** What??? Gave you that impression????

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** I have eyes, Iruma-san.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Four of them, actually.

 **Miu Iruma:** I'll dropkick you.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Anyway, could you tell me what you did with Kiibo? I remember you mentioning Artificial Biological Tissue previously.

 **Miu Iruma:** okay

 **Miu Iruma:** so

 **Miu Iruma:** I got the idea for creating synthetic skin and blood to replace Kiibo's exterior metal plating when I was high off of paint thinner with Junko and Mikan

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** what

 **Miu Iruma:** Well I mean we were talking about we're all basically wearing meat suits anyway, so why not make one just in case we'd wanna switch out of our current ones

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Now, I'm not a doctor.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** But. I don't think. It works like that.

 **Miu Iruma:** well of course I fuckin know that

 **Miu Iruma:** but then i thought it was the perfect way to give Kiibo what he wanted

 **Miu Iruma:** so I outfitted parts of his body with ABT and other synthetic stuff like hair on his head and stuff

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Wait, "parts"?

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Why not outfit him entirely with ABT?

 **Miu Iruma:** because Kiibo still runs off of electricity.

 **Miu Iruma:** i couldn't cover him all over cuz that would get in the way of too many locomotive and essential systems, like his charging function, so I only covered him chest up and middle thigh down, all the way to his new feet

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Okay, that makes sense.

 **Miu Iruma:** I basically made it to where he can still do "robot" things, like wear his metal frame that he usually wears, and still do "human" things, like wear clothes now.

 **Miu Iruma:** I also made it to where he can eat and drink now

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Okay now that _doesn't_ make sense.

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** How? The hell?

 **Miu Iruma:** by removing his camera function and giving him something close to a digestive tract and a stomach filled with an incineration function

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** INCINERATION FUNCtION?

 **Miu Iruma:** yeah, i thought about like adding actual acid, but it'd probably fuck Kiibo's insides up

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Setting aside the mixture of absolute bewilderment and disappointment I'm feeling right now

 **Miu Iruma:** HEY

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** How the hell would Kiibo taste anything?

 **Miu Iruma:** god I'm reminded why I'm the genius

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** You got your hand stuck in a Pringles can for thirty minutes.

 **Miu Iruma:** THAT WAS ONE FUCKIGN TIME

 **Miu Iruma:** ANYWAY

 **Miu Iruma:** basically, I had help with that from Junko's bf, the Ultimate Neurologist.

 **Miu Iruma:** I made a wet, slimy synthetic tongue for Kiibo and he made it to where Kiibo could sense taste based on the signals he got from the tongue

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Y'know, you could have totally left out the wet and slimy part you godless heathen.

 **Miu Iruma:** shut

 **Miu Iruma:** but yeah, Kiibo is basically good to go in that regard.

 **Miu Iruma:** I just have to have him test a couple more things for me and he'll be good to go tomorrow

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** Okay, what is he going to test?

**Miu Iruma:**

**Miu Iruma:** you don't want to know

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** _What the fuck did you do to him?_

 **Miu Iruma:** the one condition I had for him when I said that I'd do this whole thing for him was

 **Miu Iruma:** well

 **Miu Iruma:** uh

 **Miu Iruma:** I get to give him a rockin cock and ass

**Tsumugi Shirogane:[i-swear-to-god.gif](https://media0.giphy.com/media/mBMJP4fAjhwG0CflKZ/giphy.gif)**

**Miu Iruma:** HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED FUCK

 **Miu Iruma:** ROBOT RIGHTS FTW

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** [(。-ω-)ﾉ.jpg](https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/mobile/000/033/758/Screen_Shot_2020-04-28_at_12.21.48_PM.jpg)

**!!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!!**

**Meanwhile, in K1-B0's room....**

**!!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!!**

Kiibo was always self-conscious about himself.

He envied his friends and classmates, and their ability to enjoy the simple pleasures they take for granted. The ability to eat and drink, being able to feel the sunlight on your skin, having the capacity to cry freely. Kiibo always wanted to prove that he was spectacular, a newly designed robot that can think and feel

to prove that he was alive.

As he grew and matured over the years, he realized exactly how much he wished to be human. To live among them and find companionship, to meet them eye-to-eye. Now, thanks to his best friend (and someone he truly will never part ways with) Miu Iruma, he can finally, _finally_ , begin to enjoy what everyone else takes for granted. 

However...

_...This is a bit much, Iruma-san!_

Kiibo was currently looking at himself abashedly in the full-body mirror in his bedroom.

His face looked exactly the same if a bit fuller. His hair was softer now than it was previously, but he still had his characteristic spiky ahoge (after all, what would he be without it?). Moving his eyes downward, however, Kiibo saw exactly how much effort Miu had put into making Kiibo's dream come true.

A bit _too_ much effort.

He moved his gaze downwards, noting exactly how pale and white his skin was. Miu made sure to keep faithful to Kiibo's original design as much as possible when designing his ABT. Brushing his skin with his fingers _(Fingers! I have fingers that feel now! This is so weird!)_ he could feel the heat emanating from his ABT. He was no longer a cold, metallic shell. Moving on with his self-assessment, he noticed a fairly important fact...

He had these things called "nipples" now.

_I honestly forgot normal people have these. This is so strange..._

Suddenly, Kiibo remembered exactly what Miu had tasked him with doing in order to get the go-ahead to rejoin the others, and he began to blush furiously.

_Oh gosh..._

Kiibo was to test out his new, ah, _intimate_ functions to make sure they worked properly.

Reaching down towards his chest, he cautiously moved his fingertips over his dark-skinned nipples. Kiibo gasped at the sudden sensation that shot through his body, completely alien to him. After a moment's hesitation, he gave one a small pinch and accidentally let out a small noise of surprised arousal to himself. 

_This feels... really good..._

The Ultimate Robot slowly began to massage both of his nipples, trying to get used to the sensation wracking his body. Kiibo noticed that his breathing (or rather what constituted as his breathing) had definitely sped up due to the excitement he was feeling, letting out small noises of pleasure in the otherwise silent room. After a minute or two of playing with his chest, he concluded that both nipples worked absolutely, totally, completely perfect, and nothing needed to be changed in that regard. At all. Whatsoever. 

Kiibo continued exploring himself. Moving on, he saw how Miu took into account his more "robot" self.

Below what constituted as his ribcage, Kiibo's ABT gave way to a pitch-black silicone covering, which was used to shield the more important systems and functions that were kept at Kiibo's core. He took his time marveling at the different textures he felt, from his smooth skin to his more rubbery-feeling core; although he kind of wished for one of those neat belly buttons he heard about. After satisfying his curiosity, Kiibo glanced down (noticing that the black silicone continued from there on downwards) for a moment before shooting his gaze up to the ceiling in sheer embarrassment. 

_Iruma-san, this is really really **really** way too much!_

Slowly eyeing his way down again, he took in the sight of his prominent new assets.

Apparently, due to him playing with his chest, he was definitely _visibly_ excited now.

Swallowing (which is something he didn't ever even think he could do, neat!) thickly, he took in the sight of his new and fully functioning penis. Like his core, his member was also made of a black, silicone-based substance. Kiibo examined his groin more closely, taking in the sight of his artificial veins lining his sizable shaft, tapering off towards the head of his dick. The Ultimate Robot estimated that his new, uh, asset, was seven to eight inches long, which for some reason seemed bigger than he thought.

Miu had explained to Kiibo that due to the sensitive and complex nature of his erogenous areas, ABT wouldn't be able to cut it. So instead, she outfitted him with a close enough substitute that could handle a decent amount of "punishing", as she put it. The inventor had also made sure to add a pair of testicles as well, citing something about Christmas ornaments (something that went completely over Kiibo's head) that held a replacement for normal ejaculate; which was comprised of sweetened saline solution.

Turning his backside to the mirror, Kiibo felt another rush of both embarrassment and excitement as he looked at his new ass, also made of similar black material.

_Does my butt really need to be this big!?_

Spreading his hands over his ass cheeks, he felt how distinctly smooth and soft they were. As he felt himself up, he opened his cheeks apart and saw his new hole. According to Miu, since his new eating function was made possible due to an incineration function, there was no reason for him to have an asshole other than, um, private reasons. Kiibo, overcome with curiosity, slowly circled the outside of his entrance, noting how hot it felt, and how it tickled slightly. 

Bracing himself, he slowly inserted a finger into himself. Kiibo had noted how easy he could finger his way in, and how slick his walls felt. Panting, he strained his fingers even more inward slowly. Bent over towards the mirror, he saw how lewd his face looked; his eyes looking hazy and heavy-lidded, his lips parted slightly and releasing short gasps. All of a sudden, Kiibo's finger had brushed against some sort of bump inside, making pleasure shoot all throughout his body and toward his dick. Without thinking, he released a soft, drawn-out moan. After realizing that that downright _sinful_ noise came from him himself, Kiibo's eyes widened in shock. The robot stood up ramrod straight, clasping his hands over his mouth in shame, blushing up a storm.

 _...I guess that was the, um, "happy button" that Iruma-san_ _installed..._

Embarrassed, he moved toward his bed. Lying down on top of it, he stared at the ceiling for a moment before looking again towards his erect penis. For a moment, he was confused to see that it was leaking slightly before remembering that Miu said that having it do so was completely normal. After a moment of hesitation, he brushed his thumb across his dick's head, suppressing a shiver and making sure to get a bit of his cum. Bringing his hand to his face, he gave his thumb a tentative lick and noted exactly how he tasted. 

_T-this honestly tastes okay..._

Making sure that he licked his thumb clean (and feeling incredibly self-conscious while he did so), he moved his hand again down towards his member. Hesitating for only a split second. he grabbed his shaft and moaned again at the incredible sensation he felt, arching his back slightly off the mattress. 

"O-oh _god_..."

Giving himself a moment to mentally prepare himself, he stroked his hand _sloooowly_ upwards, noting how much more he was leaking now. Overcome with wanting to feel even better than he was already feeling, Kiibo began pumping his cock up and down. He started at a snail's pace before gradually speeding up.

It was at this moment that he was immensely grateful for the fact that all the dorm rooms were soundproofed.

"Oh god, o-oh guh, ah-!! _ahn~!_ "

Completely new and intense feelings of ecstasy flared over Kiibo, making him moan and keen like he never had before. Kiibo was now stroking his cock at an even more rapid pace, all the while crying out like a bitch in heat, losing himself entirely. Absentmindedly, his free hand drifted to his chest and began to play with his nipple, pinching and circling it, driving Kiibo even more wild. The Ultimate Robot felt his artificial tears of pleasure trailing down his cheeks, remarking how extraordinary they felt, how everything felt.

"Ah-!! Holy sh- ah- _ohhhhh...._ "

Suddenly, Kiibo felt something... hot in the pit of his core. Something akin to a white-hot coiling spring. Apparently, he was close...

Practically fucking his fist now, Kiibo pumped himself up and down, faster and faster and _faster and faster,_ toying and pinching and scraping his nipple-

"O-oh!! AHH! AHHHH-!!! Sh-Shu-!!! Ko-ahh-!! AHH-!! _AHHHH-!! Aaaaaahhhhh~!!!!_ "

With a final choking cry, Kiibo came all over himself, shooting over his chest, stomach, and face wildly. His orgasm seemed to last a bit, with him finally done ejaculating in what seemed like minutes afterward. Completely spent, he leaned his head back.

_...Humans are, without a doubt, **awesome.**_

Gathering some of his cum with his fingers, he sucked each and every digit clean, making sure to memorize the taste and becoming more comfortable with himself and his newly acquired fixation. The robot passively remarked how his penis was still erect, even after that messy display.

_Oh wow, I could keep going?_

Kiibo was tempted to do just that, but he thought better of it. He wanted to take a shower (again, something new he never thought he'd be able to experience, how exciting!) and revel in his afterglow. He also wanted to tell Miu that his test run was a resounding success as soon as possible.

Walking stark naked to the restroom, still sticky with his own cum, he grabbed his phone off the nightstand...

**!!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!!**

**Direct message between K1-B0 and Miu Iruma**

**== == == == == == ==**

**K1-B0:** Miu? Are you there?

 **Miu Iruma:** yee, whats up keebs?

 **K1-B0:** I've concluded that everything is running perfectly and nothing else needs to be changed.

 **Miu Iruma:** ooooh, have fun~?

 **K1-B0:** Yes.

 **K1-B0:** I completely understand why you act like a

 **K1-B0:** What was it again?

 **K1-B0:** Oh yes, an "ignorant slut."

 **Miu Iruma:** LSKADJGFKAJSGHLKSJHAFS KIIBO!!!!

 **K1-B0:** I can't wait for everyone to see how amazing I am now!

**Miu Iruma:[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1193284042856321024/kSdmZbCt_400x400.jpg)**

**K1-B0:** stop

**== == == == == == ==**

**two bitches and an ahogay**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Thing V3:** THE ROBOTS CAN FUCK NOW APPARENTLY

 **Thing 1:** _N-nyaaaaaaaa~~~!!!!!!!!_

**Thing 1: The revolution is at hand**

**Thing 2:[i-swear-to-christ.gif](https://recklessindulgence.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/761642.gif)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two bitches and an ahogay
> 
> Thing 1: ----- Junko Enoshima
> 
> Thing 2: ----- Hajime Hinata
> 
> Thing V3: ----- Tsumugi Shirogane  
> ==========================================================================  
> You didn't expect me to lewd the robot first, now did you!?
> 
> https://i.redd.it/9qi1eglhvst31.jpg
> 
> As always, make sure to leave feedback in the comments, positive and negative! It really means a lot to me. This is just me testing the "nsfw" waters for now. I hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! There will be more to come~


	14. Twinks Get Fucking Obliterated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then, just as the author gave everyone the horny, he vanished.

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**tomato go BPLTT:** Hey has anyone seen Nanami-san?

 **banana gremlin:** nah

 **food & tiddies: **nope

 **shark kink:** haven't seen her either

 **darkness kink:** Has something happened?

 **tomato go BPLTT:** No, I just realized that I haven't seen her like literally anywhere in like a couple of weeks to a month.

 **hanging by a thread:** AHHHHHHHH HAS SHE BEEN KIDNAPPED!/!?!?!!!>!>!

 **banana gremlin:** why is that the first thing you go to??

 **tomato go BPLTT: @dink wakka splat** Nanami-san?

 **salty slut:** I

 **salty slut:** wouldn't do that.

 **little spoon:** wait why

 **salty slut:** Just trust me, don't message Chiaki right now.

 **tomato go BPLTT:** Um? Okaaaaay??

 **darkness kink:** Anyway Hinata-kun, when is Komaeda-san going to come back to the chat?

 **salty slut:** He can come back whenever he wants.

 **salty slut:** But you guys have to promise not to, like, coddle him or treat him like he's fragile.

 **shark kink:** yeah no problem bro

 **little spoon:** gotcha

 **banana gremlin:** fuckin fine whatever

 **tomato go BPLTT:** Of course.

 **food & tiddies: **k

 **salty slut:** Alright, I'll send him an invite.

 **snausagelover69:** w

 **snausagelover69:** who's been baking in the kitchen recently?

 **food & tiddies: **FOOD!!!?!?!?!

 **banana gremlin:** i swear to god

 **snausagelover69:** whICH ONE OF YOU BAKED IN THE KITCHEN

 **little spoon:** fuck what happened this time

 **snausagelover69:** im minding my one business, ready to cook up a storm for today

 **snausagelover69:** i open the kitchen door

 **snausagelover69:** and im greeted with THIS

 **snausagelover69:** [whatungodly.jpeg](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7d/97/32/7d9732ef8bbde58f0ca0f36f381b5de1.jpg)

 **hanging by a thread:** AHHHHHHHHHHHAKAJGHFKJAHESGLEAIUGKS

 **banana gremlin:** WOGHFALKJSHADA;KJGLKS

**shark kink: WHAT THE FUCK?**

**darkness kink:** Woaaaaah! So cool!!

 **shark kink:** Sonia pls

 **darkness kink:** Future wedding cake ideas!!!

 **ice kink:** She-devil, _please._

 **tomato go BPLTT:** AKLJAHFPSJHDJGHAS

 **little spoon:** WHOS THE DEMENTED ASSHOLE HWO MaDE THAT??????

**salty slut has added Nagito Komaeda to "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**salty slut has changed Nagito Komaeda's name to hope > ketamine.**

**shark kink:** oh uh hey man

 **banana gremlin:** sup creep

 **hope > ketamine: **Hello everyone! I apologize for leaving suddenly like last time. I hope I haven't made any of you irritated with malKAgfkajLKKJJJJJJJJJJ

 **BIG SPOON:** Hinata-san, please don't throw Komaeda-san like that while I'm snacking. Do it on your own time.

 **hanging by a thread:** "really, in front of my salad?"

 **banana gremlin:** gross :/

 **salty slut:** Okay headed to the kitchens now.

 **snausagelover69:** WHO MADE THE CAKE GODDAMNIT

 **hope > ketamine: **Oh, you found it already?

 **hope > ketamine: **That was supposed to be a surprise.

 **little spoon:** uh yeah it kinda was 

**shark kink:** seriously, like what the fuck?

**hope > ketamine:**

**hope > ketamine: **Is

 **hope > ketamine: **Is there something wrong with it?

 **snausagelover69:** _LOOK AT IT_

 **snausagelover69:** _BESIDES SAIONJI'S SHRINE TO MAHIRU IVE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING SO DEMONIC_

 **banana gremlin:** **hEY**

**hope > ketamine: **

**hope > ketamine: **Completely understandable why you would think that.

 **hope > ketamine: **Nothing good or productive at all would be created from the one who made it.

 **BIG SPOON:** **@salty slut** Get your boyfriend he's doing the whole swirly eye thingy again

 **salty slut:** Ah shit omw

 **little spoon:** ah fuck

 **darkness kink:** Well!!! I think it's a wonderful cake Komaeda-san!!!

 **hope > ketamine: **Really?

 **darkness kink:** Absolutely!! It just screams with occultic and dark feelings!!

**hope > ketamine:**

**hope > ketamine: **That's an anniversary cake I wanted to make for Hajime.

**darkness kink:**

**darkness kink:** Oh.

 **BIG SPOON:** Not that it's any of my business Hinata-san, but Komaeda seems to have sat in the corner in a fetal position.

 **salty slut:** bABE PLEASE

 **tomato go BPLTT:** Uh, well I think it's nice! It's nice of you to put in so much effort into something for your boyfriend.

**shots shots shots:[congrats.jpeg](https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.780173047.3033/st,small,507x507-pad,600x600,f8f8f8.u2.jpg)**

**hanging by a thread:** _**MIKAN** _

**banana gremlin:** hAHAHAaAAAA THAT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD LMAOOOOOOO

 **tomato go BPLTT:** >:(

 **banana gremlin:** not funny didn't laugh

 **little spoon:** okay but why the gore on the cake ffs?

 **hope > ketamine: **I thought it was a good idea at the time...

 **shark kink:** yeaaaaaaaah no

 **BIG SPOON:** Hinata-san there's like a wave of hellish energy emanating from Komaeda's corner I can't eat my rock candy like this.

 **little spoon:** ALKJSJGRFALKSFGLA PEKO!!!

 **salty slut:** _**BABE** _

**hope > ketamine: ** _Time to purge the cake with explosives I suppose._

 **salty slut:** **NAGITO**

**little spoon:** WHY ARE EXPLOSIVES YOUR GO TO!?!?!?

 **hanging by a thread:** How American!!

 **tomato go BPLTT:** Not now.

 **shark kink:** uhhhhhhhhhhh **@dink wakka splat** There's an emergency I think?

 **salty slut:** oh no oh fuck

 **dink wakka splat:** [(☆^ー^☆).mp4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDQ3a34j24M)

 **shark kink:** AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHLAIUSGFKLAJGLKSJFHLKAJHLKGF

 **banana gremlin:** ALKJSBGFLKAJSGFLKAJGSSF

 **tomato go BPLTT:** **@shots shots shots** HELP MIODA-SAN IS DOING THR FOAMING MOUTH THInG AGAIN

 **shots shots shots:** i cant feel my toes but omw

 **little spoon:** WHAT!?

 **bara tiddies & shit: **GOOD THING I WAS ALREADY ON THE TOILET, CUZ THAT ROCKETED A SHIT OUTTA ME AT MACH SPEEEEEEEEEEED!!!

 **darkness kink:** What an intense fright! Thank you Nanami-san!

 **shark kink:** _**W H Y!?** _

**dink wakka splat:** **_That's what you get for pinging me over this dumb shit._ **

**tomato go BPLTT:** Uhhhhhhhh

 **dink wakka splat: @everyone** **Listen here you little bastard children.**

 **little spoon:** LAIGAKJGFAKJGFKAGJEKJLK _WHAT!?!?_

**dink wakka splat: I am currently doing another hard mode run of the Final Fantasy VII Remake in order to fully appreciate its godlike glory.**

**dink wakka splat: I also just got my hands on Xenoblade Chronicles: Definitive Edition.**

**dink wakka splat: If you think I won't put your heads on a goddamn pike for interrupting me while I play these literal masterpieces**

**dink wakka splat: You Are Wrong.**

**banana gremlin:** Jesus christ

 **BIG SPOON:** I think this is the first time I've ever heard Nanami-san swear.

 **BIG SPOON:** I am afraid.

 **food & tiddies: **gut's telling me not to fuck around with this

 **ice kink:** Oh?

 **darkness kink:** _Gundham._

 **ice kink:** You do not frighten me, Lethargic One.

 **ice kink:** My Four Dark Devas of Destruction and I are more than adequate to thoroughly trounce you for scaring my adorable consort.

 **shark kink:** IM NOT ADORABLE

 **shots shots shots:** why did you think he was talking about you instead of sonia 

**shots shots shots:** fuckin **B O T T O M**

 **tomato go BPLTT:** LAJKGSFKGALKJGSDA

 **ice kink:** That's because Sonia is not adorable.

 **ice kink:** She is a savage and frightening beauty.

 **darkness kink:** :D

 **ice kink:** Face me **@dink wakka splat**

 **dink wakka splat:** [fuck-outta-here-literally.jpeg](https://rule34.xxx/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=3525067)

 **shark kink:** _**W H AAAAAT!!!!!!?!?** _

**little spoon:** JESUS FUCK WHHHYYY!!?!?!

 **banana gremlin:** MY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING **EYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS**

**snausagelover69:**

⣿⣿⣷⡁⢆⠈⠕⢕⢂⢕⢂⢕⢂⢔⢂⢕⢄⠂⣂⠂⠆⢂⢕⢂⢕⢂⢕⢂⢕⢂  
⣿⣿⣿⡷⠊⡢⡹⣦⡑⢂⢕⢂⢕⢂⢕⢂⠕⠔⠌⠝⠛⠶⠶⢶⣦⣄⢂⢕⢂⢕  
⣿⣿⠏⣠⣾⣦⡐⢌⢿⣷⣦⣅⡑⠕⠡⠐⢿⠿⣛⠟⠛⠛⠛⠛⠡⢷⡈⢂⢕⢂  
⠟⣡⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣑⠝⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡵⢁⣤⣶⣶⣿⢿⢿⢿⡟⢻⣤⢑⢂  
⣾⣿⣿⡿⢟⣛⣻⣿⣿⣿⣦⣬⣙⣻⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⢟⢝⢕⢕⢕⢕⢽⣿⣿⣷⣔  
⣿⣿⠵⠚⠉⢀⣀⣀⣈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣗⢕⢕⢕⢕⢕⢕⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿  
⢷⣂⣠⣴⣾⡿⡿⡻⡻⣿⣿⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣵⣵⣵⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿  
⢌⠻⣿⡿⡫⡪⡪⡪⡪⣺⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃  
⠣⡁⠹⡪⡪⡪⡪⣪⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⠋⠐⢉⢍⢄⢌⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠈  
⡣⡘⢄⠙⣾⣾⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⢐⢕⢕⢕⢕⢕⡘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠠⠈  
⠌⢊⢂⢣⠹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⢐⢕⢕⢕⢕⢕⢅⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢋⢜⠠⠈  
⠄⠁⠕⢝⡢⠈⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣕⣑⣑⣑⣵⣿⣿⣿⡿⢋⢔⢕⣿⠠⠈  
⠨⡂⡀⢑⢕⡅⠂⠄⠉⠛⠻⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢋⢔⢕⢕⣿⣿⠠⠈  
⠄⠪⣂⠁⢕⠆⠄⠂⠄⠁⡀⠂⡀⠄⢈⠉⢍⢛⢛⢛⢋⢔⢕⢕⢕⣽⣿⣿⠠⠈

**ice kink has left** **"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**darkness kink:[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.jpeg](https://becomeawag.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/create-meme-crying-kitten-meme-crying-cat-from-the-meme.jpg)**

**dink wakka splat: _Let that be a good G O D D A M N E X A M P L E._**

**salty slut:** KALJSGFLKAGLKJGASASDA

 **food & tiddies: **ASKAGKJGGGOEIJABFLAKSJBFKLAJB

**dink wakka splat: No one is safe from me when you get between me and my babies.**

**dink wakka splat: Don't even _try_ to interrupt me again.**

**dink wakka splat:** **Otherwise, you will understand why death is considered a mercy.**

 **dink wakka splat:** Anyway, love you guys!! Have a good day :)

**BIG SPOON:**

**little spoon:**

**tomato go BPLTT:**

**snausagelover69:** I HAVE NEVER FELT SUCH VISCERAL FEAR IN MY LIFE

 **shots shots shots:** that was honestly kinda hot

**hanging by a thread: _M I K A N_**

**darkness kink:** Low-key downloading that pic.

 **shark kink:** [deadass?.jpeg](https://animeviking.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/nichijou6.jpg)

**== == == == == == ==**

**two bitches and an ahogay**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Thing 2: @Thing V3** Did?? You draw lewd stuff of my classmates for blackmail material???

**Thing V3:[;;>w>.gif](https://media1.tenor.com/images/bd1ea369fab2ac3e198abf936721c053/tenor.gif?itemid=16390680)**

**Thing 1:** Girl gotta eat, whatcha gonna do?

 **Thing V3:** Listen

 **Thing V3:** The money is pretty damn good

 **Thing 2:** I swear on my fucked brain

**== == == == == == ==**

**"If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"**

**== == == == == == ==**

**food & tiddies: **why do i feel like we're forgetting something

 **banana gremlin:** wait what

**hope > ketamine: K̶̖͍̞̪͎̒̋ͅͅĄ̵̱̘̥͒L̴̙̻̠̚ͅÏ̸̛̺͋̂͠-̶̛͔̱̘͌̓̃M̴̡̄̀͒̂̍A̶̛͙̗̿́**

**salty slut: Nagito.**

**hope > ketamine: K̷̨̬̠͕̫͉̖̖̯̤̈̽̎̊͜Å̸̧̟̠̲̦̝̳̭̟͍̘̈́͐̏̓͂̑͝Ḻ̶̹̥̠͍̺͓̪̬̗̈́́̿Ï̵̠͍͎̒̆̿̒͑͂̓͗̚̚-̸̢͈̺͎̺̦̯̯̝̗̤̈́̏̎̃͂̄̋͋̀͘͜M̵̧̢̢̙̪̭̗͈̱̖̬̙͐̅̑̽̀̈́̈́̈́͆̈̀͠͝ͅẠ̷͕͙̲̭͇̽͛͗̕̚**

**salty slut:** _**Nagito.** _

**BIG SPOON:** Well now that I'm done with my snack, I think it's time Fuyuhiko and I head out for a bit.

 **BIG SPOON:** So at the very least he's not in the blast.

 **snausagelover69:** WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US!!?!?

 **BIG SPOON:** I see nothing.

 **banana gremlin:** AKJFSHGSAJFHGAK BITCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If some Ultimate Despairs were trapped on a deserted island and one beat another to death with a coconut, would that be fucked up or what?"  
> ==========================================================================  
> salty slut: ----- Hajime Hinata
> 
> hope > ketamine: ----- Nagito Komaeda
> 
> dink wakka splat: ----- Chiaki Nanami
> 
> little spoon: ----- Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu
> 
> BIG SPOON: ----- Peko Pekoyama
> 
> banana gremlin: ----- Hiyoko Saionji
> 
> tomato go BPLTT: ----- Mahiru Koizumi
> 
> shots shots shots: ----- Mikan Tsumiki
> 
> darkness kink: ----- Sonia Nevermind
> 
> ice kink: ----- Gundham Tanaka
> 
> shark kink: ----- Kazuichi Soda
> 
> hanging by a thread: ----- Ibuki Mioda
> 
> food & tiddies: ----- Akane Owari
> 
> bara tiddies & shit: ----- Nekomaru Nidai
> 
> snausagelover69: ----- Teruteru Hanamura
> 
> copykebab: ----- Byakuya Twogami / Imposter  
> \+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
> 
> two bitches and an ahogay
> 
> Thing 1: ----- Junko Enoshima  
> Thing 2: ----- Hajime Hinata  
> Thing V3: ----- Tsumugi Shirogane  
> ==========================================================================  
> (I don't own any artwork showcased in this fic. I don't have the talent lol)
> 
> Apologies for the massive wait time! Things are exceedingly hectic as of right now due to, well, the state of everything ever in existence I suppose (as well as FFVII Remake.) I won't stop writing this fic anytime soon, and there WILL be a definitive conclusion once I get there. 
> 
> There is plenty of more content to come! Thank you all for your amusing comments. I really appreciate them a fuckload, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy the shitshow! Stay safe everyone!


	15. A Boring Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: Junko is waaaaaaaaaaay too sick of life.

**== == == == == == ==**

**Direct Message between Junko Enoshima and Chihiro Fujisaki**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Junko Enoshima:** ey fam

 **Chihiro Fujisaki:** no

 **Junko Enoshima:** I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING YET 

**Chihiro Fujisaki:** im not breaking you out of gay baby jail

 **Junko Enoshima:** Well I mean that'd be sick if you could

 **Junko Enoshima:** buuuuuut I was thinking of something else instead

 **Chihiro Fujisaki:**? what?

 **Junko Enoshima:** You know those name changing games that I pulled with class 77 and 79?

 **Chihiro Fujisaki:** isn't that part of the reason why you're in the gay baby jail rn?

 **Junko Enoshima:** Well I mean _yeah_

 **Junko Enoshima:** But it'd be fun to do it with our class too y'know?

 **Chihiro Fujisaki:** id rather not hurt anyone's feelings enoshima-san

 **Junko Enoshima:** But fam

 **Junko Enoshima:** the TEA I've gottttt

**Chihiro Fujisaki:**

**Junko Enoshima:** also

 **Junko Enoshima:** Aren't you tired of being nice?

 **Junko Enoshima:** _Don't you just want to go apeshit?_

**Chihiro Fujisaki:**

**Chihiro Fujisaki:** I'm listening.

 **Junko Enoshima:** UwU

**== == == == == == ==**

**OG Killing Squad**

**== == == == == == ==**

**egg:** togami-kun could you please tell Jill to stop crawling through the vents?

 **WANABEEEE:** WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL GOING THROUH THE GODDAMN VENTS

 **love on the battlefield:** it's actually really convenient

 **Agatha Christie:** Mukuro.

 **scissor me timbers:** Huh, I thought I was dirtier than usual.

 **pussy? don't know her:** please take a shower in your life

 **scissor me timbers:** LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK

 **scissor me timbers:** YOU SMELL LIKE AN R/ATHEISM MOD ON REDDIT

 **diamond nipples:** KLJAJGSFLKAGSRLKFAGS

 **loves kakyoin:** TOKO

 **ebony dark'ness:** **@scissor me timbers** I am PayPaling you like 150,000¥ as we speak.

 **dennys at 3 am:** LKAGALKGFLAKJGFSKA

 **glucose guardian:** I couldn't care less about whatever that thing does.

 **scissor me timbers:** mmmmmgahekyagjfhsgja

 **Agatha Christie:** One: I never want to hear whatever the hell I just heard out of Fukawa's mouth again for the rest of my life.

 **WANABEEEE:** A,HGJAHFSDAJHGFA

 **bootleg miku:** EAFGKSRGLAKEGLKDJH

 **Agatha Christie:** Two: Jill could technically break into your room by crawling through the vents **@glucose guardian**

**glucose guardian:**

**glucose guardian:** I suppose spending a little money on a countermeasure will be worth the headache.

 **their our know rules:** Wait, what?

 **love on the battlefield:** you could totally add like a laser defense system into the vents.

 **their our know rules:** PLEASE DON'T PUT LASERS IN THE VENTS

 **love on the battlefield:** BUT IT'D ADD MGS AESTHETIC

 **diamond nipples:** i swear to christ

 **egg:** babe pls

 **their our know rules:** LASERS ARE NOT CONDUCIVE TO A SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT

 **dis bear despairs:** sup fuckers

 **love on the battlefield:** sup you scum-sucking bitchlet

 **egg:** BABE

 **dis bear despairs:** LETS

 **dis bear despairs:** GET

 **dis bear despairs:** READY

 **dis bear despairs:** TO

 **dis bear despairs:** ROCK!!!!!!

**Owner headache and t pose has changed 14 names.**

**Has a Boyfriend:** Oh no.

 **Has a Phat Phucking Cock:** DDDD:

 **Used a scene from Kuon to explain childbirth:** Fucking goddamnit shit cunt

 **Made out with Makoto when they were both high:** oH NO

 **Made out with Makoto's sister:** FUCK

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** hold up

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** _**ALSO FUCK YOU** _

**Secretly a Nympho:** HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** Oh okay mines not that awful

 **Also Has a Phat Phucking Cock:** I am. Tired.

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** Fucking Christ

 **Has a Crazy Ass Cousin:** oh jeez yeah fuck

**Secretly Calls their S/O cute shit: J U N K O**

**Joined in the makeout session with Makoto:** WHYYYYYYY

 **Legit went on a Whole Ass Journey before High School:** I see you've done your research.

 **Legit went on a Whole Ass Journey before High School:** I also see that I'll need to beat the shit out of a couple of you.

**Secretly Calls their S/O cute shit: _GIVE ME YOUR NAMES_**

**Secretly Calls their S/O cute shit: _AS WELL AS YOUR TOES_**

**headache and t pose:** i knew this was a bad idea

 **dis bear despairs:** Start guessing, I'm getting bored :/

 **headache and t pose:** ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW

 **Legit went on a Whole Ass Journey before High School:** It's me Kirigiri.

 **dis bear despairs:** Ugh, knew that was gonna happen.

 **headache and t pose:** i'm never doing anything for you ever again 

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Legit went on a Whole Ass Journey before High School's name to Agatha Christie.**

**Has a Crazy Ass Cousin:** wait what fucking journey?

 **Agatha Christie:** Nothing too spectacular, just solved several murder cases back to back and had my hands burnt.

 **Has a Crazy Ass Cousin:** THAT SOUNDS KINDA FUCKIGN IMPORTANT

 **dis bear despairs:** Read _Danganronpa: Kirigiri_ scrub

 **Secretly Calls their S/O cute shit:** go stick a soldering iron into your hoo ha you fucking slagwhore

 **Secretly a Nympho:** I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT PLEASE DON'T BE MEAN LIKE THAT

 **dis bear despairs:** blah blah don't care just solve the thing already

 **Agatha Christie:** And you wonder why no one likes you.

 **Agatha Christie:** Well then, I think I'll start with the two that I need to know the most about _right fucking now._

 **Made out with Makoto when they were both high:** ITS A LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 **Joined in the makeout session with Makoto:** PLEASE DON'T MURDER MY DUMB ASS

 **Secretly Calls their S/O cute shit:** give me your n **AMES**

 **Agatha Christie:** One step at a time Mukuro.

 **Secretly Calls their S/O cute shit:** I haven't the slightest idea on who the fuck you're currently discussing, Kirigiri-san.

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Secretly Calls their S/O cute shit's name to love on the battlefield.**

**love on the battlefield:** CHIHIRO

 **headache and t pose:** IM SORRY IT WAS JUST SO OBVIOUS TO LITERALLY EVERYONE

 **Agatha Christie: @dis bear despairs** What kind of "cute shit"?

 **love on the battlefield:** kYOKOOOOOOO

 **dis bear despairs:** Notable examples include: "sunshine," "pancake," "mommy," "pumpkin," and "cutie."

 **love on the battlefield:** alkjgdsaklgfJKAFGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** what the fuck is up with that middle one

 **Joined in the makeout session with Makoto:** whats wrong with pancakes?

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** _I swear to fuck_

 **Agatha Christie:** Well, nice to know masochism runs in the family apparently.

 **dis bear despairs:** *** _N-NYAAAAAA~~~~***_

 **love on the battlefield:** **I'll kill you myself.**

**dis bear despairs:** fucking finally

 **Has a Phat Phucking Cock:** are you okay Junko?

 **dis bear despars:** No, cuz I'm terminally boreddddddddddd of literally everything everrrrrrrrrr

 **dis bear despairs:** Do your thing I guess Kirigiri

 **Agatha Christie:** Fine.

 **Agatha Christie:** I think I know who **@Made out with Makoto when they were both high** is.

 **Made out with Makoto when they were both high:** YOU DONT KNOW AMYTHING

 **headache and t pose:** amything

 **Used a scene from Kuon to explain childbirth:** aMytHInG

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** geez you guys are ruthless

 **Agatha Christie:** Due to you and Makoto getting high as well as your defensive attitudes and behaviors, I believe you are Hagakure.

 **Made out with Makoto when they were both high:** nope no nuh uh

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Made out with Makoto when they were both high's name to dennys at 3 am.**

**love on the battlefield:[٩(╬ʘ益ʘ╬)۶](https://i.pinimg.com/236x/14/8c/96/148c9694644dd321b826ee414e5b404a.jpg)**

**dennys at 3 am:** LISTENL ISETEN LISTEN

 **dennys at 3 am:** I had some dope weed and one thing led to another it was before you guys got together I swear on my mom

 **Agatha Christie:** That's fine and all...

**Agatha Christie: But give me @Joined in the makeout session with Makoto 's identity. Now.**

**dennys at 3 am:** IT WAS ASAHINA

 **Joined in the makeout session with Makoto:** WHAT THE HELL HAGAKURE YOU SNITCH

 **dis bear despairs:** Daaaaaaaaaaamn, shorty really likes things in threes huh?

 **love on the battlefield:** _I'll scalp you._

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Joined in the makeout session with Makoto's name to loves kakyoin.**

**Agatha Christie: Explain. Now.**

**loves kakyoin:** HIRO HAD THIS WEED THAT WAS PRETTY NEAT AND THE VIBE WAS JUST???? RIGHT?? I GUESS???

 **loves kakyoin:** ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER BUT IT WaS HEAVY PETTING AT MOST I PROMIIIISE

 **Secretly a Nympho:** WHY DID YOU HAVE WEED ON YOU IT'S NOT ALLOWED

 **dennys at 3 am:** its fine man

 **Used a scene from Kuon to explain childbirth:** But really Asahina... Hagakure?

 **loves kakyoin:** ITS WAS A SPUR OF THE MOMENT THING 

**dennys at 3 am:** yeah I mean what do when you got two cute peeps with you??

 **Agatha Christie:** Very well, it's all right.

**love on the battlefield: buT THEIR TOES**

**Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** good lord

 **dis bear despairs:** Fun fact: if Kirigiri and Mukuro died in the simulation and I wasn't caught, those three would have a polyamorous relationship with kids lol

 **dennys at 3 am:** W HA T!??!?!

 **loves kakyoin:** ARE YOU DEADASS?

 **dis bear despairs:** It's a natural thing fam, Makoto has strong harem protag vibes.

 **Has a Phat Phucking Cock:** I DO NOT!!!!

 **loves kakyoin:** ALKJAJGSFLKJGAKJGHSDKJFSA

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** KAFGSJSHGLKJRHSKDJGHSPA

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** GOOD F U C K I N G _LORD_

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Has a Phat Phucking Cock's name to egg.**

**love on the battlefield: @dis bear despairs** HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

 **dis bear despairs:** Security cams in your rooms in the sim.

 **dis bear despairs:** When I first saw it I was like "goddamn he really is lucky" lololol

 **egg:** AAAAAGHHHHAHGAGHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Agatha Christie:** _**Junko.** _

**dis bear despairs:** Anyway continue the g

 **dis bear despairs:** ugh fuck it

 **dis bear despairs:** This is so GODDAMN BORING

**dis bear despairs has left OG Killing Squad.**

**Has a Boyfriend:**? What just happened?

 **love on the battlefield:** she's being a three year old again just leave it

 **egg:** D:

 **Agatha Christie:** Well, I think I'll continue the game now.

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** WAIT THIS WAS ALL JUNKO'S IDEA CAN WE JUST HAVE ANOTHER MASS NAME CHANGE PLEASE?

 **Agatha Christie:** No.

 **headache and t pose:** no

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** WHY!!?!?!?

 **Agatha Christie:** Because I find this intriguing. 

**headache and t pose:** cuz I'm not a quitter ):<

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** you're both horrible lol

 **egg:** um, so who would you wanna guess Kyoko?

 **Agatha Christie:** I'm curious as to who **@Used a scene from Kuon to explain childbirth** is.

 **Has a Boyfriend:** What's this about "nine grudges?"

 **headache and t pose:** apparently they showed this to a kid who asked where babies come from.

 **headache and t pose:**<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pv4F02nS6Q> at 32:41

 **love on the battlefield:** WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT

 **dennys at 3 am:** oUT OF A NECK WOUND

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** oh wow it's been years since I've seen Kuon stuff like at all

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** what a nostalgia trip lol

 **Secretly a Nympho:** WHO WPULD DO THAT????

 **Used a scene from Kuon to explain childbirth:** Well, they learned not to ask questions they don't want the answer to.

 **Agatha Christie:** I'm guessing Celestia.

 **Used a scene from Kuon to explain childbirth:** Correct, Kirigiri-san.

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Used a scene from Kuon to explain childbirth's name to ebony dark'ness.**

**Likes Being the Little Spoon:** but WHY

 **ebony dark'ness:** Because I hate children and because it was close enough to the truth.

 **ebony dark'ness:** Instead of a child coming out of a _womb_ all bloody, its a person coming out of a _neck wound_ all bloody.

 **ebony dark'ness:** If anything, it was a mercy on my part.

 **Secretly a Nympho:** I SINCERELY DOUBT IT

 **Made out with Makoto's sister:** What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

 **egg:** WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU **@Made out with Makoto's sister**?

 **egg:** WHO ARE YOU MASKED WO/MAN!?!?

 **love on the battlefield:** lol I need to know this

 **Made out with Makoto's sister:** _You will never know._

 **Agatha Christie:** Have you not paid attention to who you're dealing with? At all? Whatsoever?

 **Also Has a Phat Phucking Cock:** Listen, I'm tired and I really couldn't care less about this worthless game. It's Togami.

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** AJKAGFKLAJKLSDJASF

 **Has a Crazy Ass Cousin:** TTHSAJHLKWEJTKLJSGD

 **love on the battlefield:** lololol clearly Byakuya knows who he's dealing with

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Also Has a Phat Phucking Cock's name to glucose guardian.**

**Agatha Christie:** I thought as much. I remember Junko mentioning something to do with that a while back.

 **Made out with Makoto's sister:** I KNEW MASTER HAD A HUGE DICK

 **egg:** WH

 **egg:** no I refuse to believe it

 **egg:** nope

 **glucose guardian:** Tell everyone who you are **@Made out with Makoto's sister**.

 **Made out with Makoto's sister:** It's me, Toko Fukawa.

 **Secretly a Nympho:** REALLY

 **egg:** _**T o k o.** _

**Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** i did NOT see that coming

 **Agatha Christie:**...Neither did I to be honest.

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Made out with Makoto's sister's name to scissor me timbers.**

**ebony dark'ness:** The name is even more fitting now, no?

**egg has left OG Killing Squad.**

**dennys at 3 am:** AOUSIUIgFLKAKJGf

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** CELESTE

 **love on the battlefield:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Agatha Christie has added egg to OG Killing Squad.**

**egg:** i cant even

 **Agatha Christie:** Please for the love of god explain Fukawa.

 **scissor me timbers:** It's a long story involving little bastard children obsessed with Junko.

 **Has a Boyfriend:** What did Junko do this time?

 **scissor me timbers:** I'll explain later I promise.

 **egg:** BUT WHY DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH KOMARU

 **scissor me timbers:** ITS!! A LONG STORY!!

 **glucose guardian:** Toko.

 **scissor me timbers:** Yes?! Yes, master? :)

 **glucose guardian:** I will _pay_ you to go out with Makoto's sister.

 **glucose guardian:** I will also pay for a house and wedding too if I have to.

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** LKAJGAKJGFJSGKJDAS

 **headache and t pose:** SCLAJHGWBPOHS

 **love on the battlefield:** just fucking paying her to be a lesbian i cant I'm crying

 **egg:** TOGAMI-KUN

 **Agatha Christie:** Who all is left in the game now? 

**Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** me!

 **Secretly a Nympho:** Me...

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** fuckn me

 **Has a Boyfriend:** Me as well.

 **Has a Crazy Ass Cousin:** me too

 **Agatha Christie:**? Are we missing someone?

 **headache and t pose:** I think **@Has Paid for Feet Pics** is offline.

 **scissor me timbers:** _What?_

 **Has Paid for Feet Pics:** sorry i was

 **Has Paid for Feet Pics:** WAIT WHATS WITH MY NAME

**Agatha Christie has removed Has Paid for Feet Pics from OG Killing Squad. Reason:** **It's not me Yamada, it's you.**

**Agatha Christie:** Right, so five left.

 **egg:** KYOKO

 **Has a Crazy Ass Cousin:** JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST

 **ebony dark'ness:** God I feel fucking great right now.

 **loves kakyoin:** celeste

 **love on the battlefield:** yeah celeste, what are we supposed to do? let him starve?

 **ebony dark'ness:** SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **headache and t pose:** i mean from what i hear he's only done it once

 **Agatha Christie:** Still disgusting.

 **Agatha Christie:** Anyway, let's continue the game.

 **dennys at 3 am:** actually I think I know who **@Has a Crazy Ass Cousin** is

 **dennys at 3 am:** its leon, right?

 **love on the battlefield:** well, now I _definitely_ know that's not Leon.

 **Has a Crazy Ass Cousin:** um, actually he's right?

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Has a Crazy Ass Cousin's name to WANABEEEE.**

**love on the battlefield:**

**love on the battlefield:** i feel like i need to read a book or something to feel smater now.

 **headache and t pose:** smater

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** smater

 **ebony dark'ness:** sMatEr

 **love on the battlefield:** I KNOW IM A DUMBASS BUT COME ONNNNNNNNN

 **Agatha Christie:** How did you know, Hagakure?

 **dennys at 3 am:** met up with her when i was dealing with those bastard kids toko mentioned too

 **egg:** OKAY SERIOUSLY WHATS THE STORY WITH THAT

 **scissor me timbers:** IT'S A LONG STORY GODDAMNIT.

 **dennys at 3 am:** yeah lol

 **WANABEEEE:** lol i gotta ask Kanon what happened

 **Has a Boyfriend:** By the way, how is your cousin crazy Kuwata-kun?

 **WANABEEEE:** eh, she likes me romantically and has confessed to me a few times?

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** oh, um alright

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** how many times we talking?

**WANABEEEE:**

**WANABEEEE:** 3,909 times.

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** WH

 **loves kakyoin:** what the fuck?

**Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:**

**Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** should I be worried?

 **WANABEEEE:** nah, you're good sayaka

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** I'll take your word for it

 **scissor me timbers:** Wait, the _idol_ loves horror films.

 **Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks:** yeah d:

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Fuckin Loves Splatter Flicks's name to bootleg miku.**

**bootleg miku:** horror can actually be pretty fun! entertainment-wise

 **bootleg miku:** and when you're not, y'know, trapped in a hellish killing game and eaten alive by your own paranoia.

 **headache and t pose:** fuckin y i k e s

 **Agatha Christie:** Alright then, so three left.

 **Agatha Christie:** And I already know who's who.

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** YOU DONT KNOW SHIT

 **Agatha Christie: @Has a Boyfriend** is Ogami-san, due to the other two left being boyfriends, Ishimaru and Owada.

 **Has a Boyfriend:** Yes, that's true Kirigiri-san.

 **loves kakyoin:** O:

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Has a Boyfriend's name to its all ogre now.**

**loves kakyoin:** Sakura, you have a BF!?!?

 **loves kakyoin:** why didn't you telllll meeeeeee??

 **its all ogre now:** It's complicated, Hina.

 **its all ogre now:** And, well, due to my physique, people would likely mock me and Kenshiro.

 **its all ogre now:** A female fighter, an "ogre" like me, having a boyfriend would likely draw scornful and cruel remarks.

 **loves kakyoin:** well screw people like that!!

 **egg:** yeah sakura, you're awesome!

 **bootleg miku:** like honestly, you're amazing sakura

**its all ogre now:**

**its all ogre now:** Thank you. You are all very kind.

 **headache and t pose:** hol up

**Owner headache and t pose has changed its all ogre now's name to Queen of Whoop-Ass.**

**love on the battlefield:** fucking PERFECT

 **Queen of Whoop-Ass:** Much better than the last name. Thank you, Fujisaki-kun.

 **headache and t pose:** don't worry about it :D

 **Agatha Christie:** Now, not to ruin the happy moment, but...

**Secretly a Nympho:**

**Likes Being the Little Spoon:**

**egg:** i think i know who's who too, admittedly

 **Agatha Christie:** Might as well tell them Makoto.

 **egg:** is **Likes Being the Little Spoon** owada-kun?

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** FUCKIN

 **Likes Being the Little Spoon:** maybe i guess fuck

 **WANABEEEE:** HGFAKLSFGAKGFAGKSHA

 **loves kakyoin:** WAIT

 **loves kakyoin:** **@Secretly a Nympho** TAKA ARE YOU SERIOUS

 **Secretly a Nympho:** I'M SO SORRY

 **love on the battlefield:** I'm having an aneurysm

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Likes Being the Little Spoon's name to diamond nipples.**

**Owner headache and t pose has changed Secretly a Nympho's name to their our know rules.**

**Agatha Christie:** To be honest, I'm not even remotely surprised.

 **Agatha Christie:** You all saw what his "tastes" are.

 **love on the battlefield:** DONT REMIND ME

 **scissor me timbers:** _It's always the strict ones._

 **bootleg miku:** I'm having flashbacks

 **dennys at 3 am:** little spoon? really?

 **diamond nipples:** PISS OFF ITS A COMFY POSITION

 **ebony dark'ness:** Out of sheer curiosity, who tops?

 **diamond nipples:** NONE OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BUISNESS

 **their our know rules:** I'd rather _not_ go in-depth with our sex life, please.

 **headache and t pose:** they decide like this lol

 **headache and t pose:** [letsplayagame.jpeg](https://preview.redd.it/wv0epl815h841.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=57ff3a251dcfc5ab162f696fbac69a0ed78cc182)

 **ebony dark'ness:** GAHGFADFGAKJSGRRRRRRRRRRR

 **WANABEEEE:** ETAKGRJGHLWGHALKJHDASFAA

 **diamond nipples:** **C H I H I R O**

**love on the battlefield:** I. AM GOING. TO **F L O A T**

 **their our know rules:** I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A SPORT, BUT WE DO NO SUCH THING!!!!!

 **headache and t pose:** jeez, just teasing d:

 **dennys at 3 am:** I'm gonna pass out 

**Queen of Whoop-Ass:** I nearly spat out my drink.

 **loves kakyoin:** LMAOOOOOO

 **glucose guardian:** I'm going to sleep.

 **scissor me timbers:** Goodnight, master~!

 **egg:** **@scissor me timbers** TELL ME NOW

 **scissor me timbers:** LATER.

 **Agatha Christie:** _I need a vacation._

\+ + + + + + +

Elsewhere...

Junko Enoshima was sitting quietly in her room, staring at the wall.

_Bored._

Hopelessly, infuriatingly, **hellishly** bored.

Junko Enoshima was bored with _everything._

Whether it's interacting with her precious friends, her boyfriend, even spreading despair, or literally _anything_ , Junko felt nothing at all.

Junko Enoshima is a natural genius. She has, and always will be, been the most intelligent person on Earth, tied with Hajime Hinata (although in her opinion, she's still waaaaaay smarter.)

Now, being intelligent isn't naturally a _bad_ thing. But when taken to such an extreme, as with Junko, it becomes simply impossible to feel any sort of joy, any sort of feeling of being alive. How can one feel happy when one knows how all things progress? How all things work, from its conception to its demise? To Junko Enoshima, things like awe, friendship, and love don't spark a single bit of feeling in her. How could they, since she already knows the outcome? 

Like Izuru Kamakura, she was completely empty on the inside. Hollow, feeling nothing but an all-consuming void on the inside. Atrophy via sheer apathy.

That's why she created those stupid games in the first place, why she's done nothing but torture those closest to her.

To feel pain.

To feel despair.

To feel... something.

To feel that nice, refreshing wave of icy black despair pouring over her heart, instead of a continual throbbing numbness that ate away at her very core.

But even then, despair has grown tiresome for her. 

In her final moments of the first "game" she created, facing her Ultimate Punishment's end, she had looked up gleefully to that huge, massive, crushing weight above her and thought to herself:

_"Y'know... this is kinda boring."_

And so, bored bored bored bored _bored_ out of her FUCKING MIND, she just quietly sat in her room, staring at nothing.

After all, it's all the same anyway.

Nothing exciting will happen. Or rather, nothing would happen to excite her.

Exhaling slowly out her nose and scrunching up her face with a pout, Junko made a wish. A purely childish, selfish wish.

"Something, anything. Let something truly _horrid_ happen."

...

...

...

\+ + + + + + +

In his room, focusing on Nagito's most recent test results and notable general improvement, Hajime Hinata felt a chill go down his spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> egg: ----- Makoto Naegi
> 
> Agatha Christie: ----- Kyoko Kirigiri
> 
> love on the battlefield: ----- Mukuro Ikusaba
> 
> glucose guardian: ----- Byakuya Togami
> 
> scissor me timbers: ----- Toko Fukawa
> 
> dis bear despairs: -----Junko Enoshima
> 
> loves kakyoin: ----- Aoi Asahina
> 
> dennys at 3 am: ----- Yasuhiro Hagakure
> 
> WANABEEEE: ----- Leon Kuwata
> 
> bootleg miku: ----- Sayaka Maizono
> 
> ebony dark’ness: ----- Celestia Ludenburg
> 
> pussy? don’t know her: ----- Hifumi Yamada
> 
> Queen of Whoop-Ass: ----- Sakura Ogami
> 
> diamond nipples: ----- Mondo Owada
> 
> their our know rules: ----- Kiyotaka Ishimaru
> 
> headache and t pose: ----- Chihiro Fujisaki  
> =============================================================================
> 
> "Kept you waiting, huh?"
> 
> Sorry for the delay everyone. I've been having a rather hard time these past couple months due to being in a hard-hit COVID-19 U.S. state with very ill parents, schoolwork, and other things. In short: I've been on the Depress Express real fuckin bad.  
> However, that doesn't mean that I'll stop this fic. I basically have the entire rest of the story planned out all the way to the end. There will be more to come; with more laughs, more smut  
> and a bit of pain.
> 
> I sincerely thank all of you for your amazing comments and all of you for reading! Please, stay tuned and stay safe!


	16. Kokichi Ouma's Bizzare Adventure: Burping Tendency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: Pure Bullshitery feat. CuppkakKE

Kokichi Ouma had slept _fantastically._

Usually, in order for him to fall asleep, he'd snack on sweets and drink abhorrent amounts of grape Panta in order to get a sugar high, play games on his phone (and _maybe_ do homework), and promptly pass out in a coma whilst cocooned in a fuckload of sheets and blankets.

That didn't happen this time.

He woke up like an actually productive member of society, shocking even himself. Kokichi felt a sense of both giddiness and content that he had never experienced before. He was... happy, being Shuichi's boyfriend. And Shuichi's talking about asking Kiibo to go out with _both_ of them? Two boyfriends for the price of one! What a bargain!

_It also helps that they're both so cute..._

After sliding out of bed, Kokichi quickly got ready to head down to the dining area to eat breakfast with the rest of the class. He couldn't risk his seat next to Shuichi being taken after all. In a loose white t-shirt and black sleep pants, the Leader headed out, not really giving a fuck about what he looked like right now (it's enough that I washed my face and brushed my teeth, right?). It was a Sunday, so it's not like there was anything he really needed to do today. Kokichi could take it easy. 

He headed toward the elevator and pressed the button to call it up when a thought hit him.

_...Mom isn't gonna do some crazy shit like last time, right?_

As if to answer his question, the elevator doors opened to reveal Kirumi Tojo. She was as prim and proper as ever, dressed in uniform and completely and utterly normal. No strange poses, no gimmicks, no jokes, nothing.

And yet, there was something『menacing』about her arrival. It set off alarm bells in the Leader's head.

Eyeing the Maid warily, Kokichi stepped into the elevator with a somewhat sleepy sounding "mornin," with which she did not reply, not even blinking in response. He hit the "down" button and the two of them rode the elevator in complete silence. Kirumi did not move an inch the entire ride down, while Kokichi was schooling his expression into one of passive indifference. He was sorely tempted to crack some sort of joke to fill the silence, but he thought better of it. Something seemed... off.

The doors opened and the boy quickly stepped out of the elevator and headed to the dining area. He glanced back to see if Kirumi was following him, but was perplexed when he saw that she was still in the open elevator, completely immobile. Curious, he called to her.

"Hey, Mom! Hurry up will you? I'm dying for some pancakes!"

...No response.

Now way too curious for his own good, Kokichi headed back towards the elevator, hands on his hips. He stood square in front of the frozen girl and asked her,

"Heeeey~! Did you hear me or not?" 

"I heard you perfectly fine, Ouma-kun." 

This response had Kokichi let out an involuntary yelp of surprise, as Kirumi's voice did not come from the Kirumi in front of him

but rather _the Kirumi behind him._

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Kokichi had spun around to see _another_ Ultimate Maid right behind him, completely identical to the one in the elevator in every way. The one outside the elevator gave a small curtsy, and in a deadpan manner explained.

"Ah, my apologies. This is a statue that Yonaga-san had created as a kind of warm-up for an upcoming art exhibition. Incredibly lifelike, no? Even more so than the one she created in the simulation."

Sidestepping past Kokichi expertly, Kirumi grabbed the statue and positioned it under her arm. From Kokichi's perspective, it looked similar to someone carrying their own cardboard cut-out. 

The Maid began walking, most likely headed out towards the exit to take the (stupid dumb fucking bullshit) statue to the art building. Still sensing Kokichi's mixture of indignation and bewilderment, she craned her head back and asked in a voice that carried the _barest_ hint of smugness,

"Is there a problem, Ouma-kun?"

Stretching his arms behind his head with his signature poker face smile, he replied, "Nope! I'm just suuuuper hungry right now. See you later Mom~!"

Kokichi had lost this battle. He knew that giving her any more of a reaction would play into her hands.

_She deadass put an identical statue of herself into the elevator as a trap for me and waited down here to make sure that no one else *but* me saw this shit go down. Well played, well played._

Needless to say, Kokichi fucking _knew_ it was gonna be one of those days.

**\+ + + + + + +**

A while later, Kokichi was happily situated right next to Shuichi and eating blueberry pancakes topped with powdered sugar and an ungodly amount of maple syrup with the rest of his class, sans Miu and Kiibo (which was surprising, given how rare it is for some of his classmates to actually be, y'know, _awake_ before noon). Kaede was chatting with Rantaro and Korekiyo about something to do with possibly getting manicures together for an outing sometime, with Rantaro trying to coax a reluctant Korekiyo into agreeing. Himiko, Tenko, and Angie were trying to decide on what kind of movie to go see, the options being "Ju-On XVII, the Final _Final_ Grudge" and "Kung-Fu Rustle." Tenko and Angie were trying to get Himiko to be a tie-breaker, but she was too sleepy to contribute anything really important. Tsumugi, meanwhile, was trying to convince Ryoma and Gonta to try on some of her cosplay outfits. Ryoma was skeptical while Gonta was more than happy to help, excited to try on something gentlemanly. Kirumi was walking around the room and checking up on everyone, making sure that everyone was content, no longer requiring any other services. 

Kokichi was sitting in silence, absentmindedly playing with his food while Shuichi was chatting with Kaito and Maki. While he would never totally get along like the best of friends with Kaito and Maki, he made sure that he could at the very least be civil with them, and vise versa. As long as Shuichi is happy, they were happy.

That doesn't mean that he couldn't have at least a little bit of fun with them though.

"Hey, Shumai~? Which ones are more aerodynamic, waffles or pancakes?" Kokichi asked innocently, interrupting the trio's conversation.

"Um, w-why would you want to know something like that?" Shuichi replied.

Maki, giving a tired and unamused stare, stated, "He's planning to do something stupid and childish again."

"Nuh-uh! I'm genuinely curious!" 

"Ee's defunin lyun wagain" Kaito interjected with his mouth full of omelette. 

"W-well, um, I would think probably waffles, then? Because they're typically more, uh, rigid I gue-"

In a flash, Kokichi grabbed one of his uneaten pancakes and threw it at Kaito's face like a frisbee, only for it to be intercepted by Maki. She caught it effortlessly and crushed it in her hand without even moving her eyes away from Kokichi's face, only showing vague disgust when she felt her hand drenched in syrup.

"You're probably right Shumai~! If I had waffles for breakfast instead, I'd have probably nailed Mo-moron."

"What'd you call me you fucking toddler!?" 

Maki and Shuichi sighed in unison, with Maki going to the kitchen to clean up and muttering something along the lines of "rat bastard" and Shuichi trying to finish his light meal in peace.

Kaito and Kokichi continued in that vein for some time, calling each other increasingly ridiculous nicknames all the while. Kaito was in the middle of calling Kokichi "a grape guzzling fuckwit" when Miu Iruma burst into the room with her usual air of arrogant vulgarity and importance. 

"LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING CUCKS AND CUCKLINAS!" she shouted, abruptly getting everyone's attention.

"I present to you yet _another_ reason that I'm the baddest bitch in existence! I present to you...

the _one_... 

the _only_...

the _amazing_...

new and badass _mothafuckin_ KIIIIIIBOOOOOOOO!!!"

Now _that_ is definitely something Kokichi and the rest had to see.

Everyone present turned their way towards the doorway and watched as Kiibo made his entrance. 

... _Fuck, why am I so gay goddamnit!?_

Kiibo stood back somewhat awkwardly as everyone took in his new appearance. 

The Robot (or maybe he's something more now?) was wearing a light blue sweater, black skinny jeans, and a pair of red-and-white sneakers. It was just a normal, casual outfit, but it showcased how _different_ Kiibo looked without his normal metal frame, how lithe he had become. Minus the signature lines trailing down his clearly nervous face, Kiibo looked like an average guy one would find anywhere, with normal-looking hands and long eyelashes (god _damnit_ ) and ears and, well, everything! 

"....hi." Kiibo muttered in a particularly tiny voice.

_Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I wanna tease him._

Kaede, taking the lead as per usual, was the first to comment. 

"Oh my God! Kiibo, you look amazing!"

Spurred on by her initial remark, a wave of compliments followed from the other students.

A "Not too bad for a degenerate male, I suppose!" from one (guess who), and a "Lookin good Kiibo!" from another. One of the more subdued students commented a simple "Nice.", and so on and so forth.

"Alright, alright blah blah blah, ANYWAY!" Miu interrupted again, trying to regain everyone's attention. Once she had everyone's eyes on her, she said to Kirumi,

"Yo Mom, get this twink some goddamn food!"

Pursing her lips into a tight line at that statement, she gave a small curtsy and asked Kiibo, "Is there anything you'd like to eat right now?"

"Um, I would like a Japanese style breakfast, please."

There was definitely some interest among the class as to how Kiibo could really eat and do more normal activities now, but after the grand reveal there was an unsaid consensus that everyone should just act normal so as to not smother Kiibo all too much. The Robot made his place conveniently right next to Shuichi and was eagerly waiting for his first real meal with his precious classmates.

As stealthily as he could, Kokichi quickly tapped Shuichi's foot with his own. Once he got his attention, the Leader motioned almost imperceptively to his phone. Getting the hint, the Detective pulled out his phone as well...

**== == == == == == ==**

**Direct Message between Kokichi Ouma and Shuichi Saihara**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Kokichi Ouma:** bro wtf do we do now?

 **Shuichi Saihara:**? What do you mean?

 **Kokichi Ouma:** well i mean weren't we gonna add kiibaby to the harem or nah?

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Polyamourous relationship*

 **Shuichi Saihara:** And yes, that's the plan. I was thinking of talking to him tomorrow since he's still getting adjusted to his new form.

 **Kokichi Ouma:** kk

 **Kokichi Ouma:** also

 **Kokichi Ouma:** can we like?? i dunno, make us official to the rest of the class??

 **Kokichi Ouma:** i wanna see Momota and Harukawa's faces lololol

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Sure! I don't have a problem with it.

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Although your reasoning for doing so is kinda meh :/

 **Kokichi Ouma:** Shumai its all good

 **Kokichi Ouma:** I mean i kinda wanna do PDA too maybe possibly out in the open

 **Kokichi Ouma:** maybe

 **Shuichi Saihara:** I mean as long as it's nothing too crazy I'm comfortable with it.

**Kokichi Ouma: ;))))))))))))**

**Shuichi Saihara:** Please.

**\+ + + + + + +**

As Kokichi put away his phone, Kirumi had just finished making Kiibo's breakfast and subsequently brought it out to him. 

Kiibo had a huge adorable grin on his face and said, "Ohhh, I've been wanting to try your food since forever Tojo-san! Thank you so much!"

The majority of the class, minus some of the more stoic ones, had to take a moment to bask in the purity that was a happy Kiibo. Even Tenko, Slayer of Men, had to appreciate the occurrence.

Kirumi gave a soft smile and replied, "I do hope that this meal lives up to your expectations." 

Kiibo's breakfast was in a typical Japanese style, with grilled fish and rice, and so on. Adjusting his chopsticks in his hand somewhat clumsily, Kiibo took a tentative bite. The Robot's eyes widened and began to dig in in earnest, wolfing down the meal with enthusiasm. 

"Towjo-an! Dis is encredidibl!" Kiibo said with his mouth full. 

"Bro slow down, don't choke." Rantarou chided, his inner big brother coming out for a second.

With tears (wait, tears? Holy fuck) pricking at the corners of his eyes, he choked out,

"I'm sorry, it's just this is so amazing! Eating is amazing!"

After taking several more bites of his food, Kiibo continued by saying,

"Y'no I aan't wait oo ry mowe foo'! I anna tri oo any tin-" 

And then, in an instant, something happened that no one expected. 

Kiibo burped.

Now, burping is a natural human function. Burping usually happens to release the excess air that someone swallows from eating too fast and so on. It's a perfectly mundane bodily process that is all too common. 

Except when it concerns robots whose "digestive system" works via an **incineration function.**

Kiibo had burped and consequently let out a continuous stream of fucking _f i r e_ that shot at least four feet in front of him, lighting the (thankfully) empty chair across from him alight, scaring the fuck out of Kaito who was one seat away from instant immolation. 

"KIIBO WHAT-"

"HOLY FUCK!"

"I'M SO SORRY!!!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"

Maki, unperturbed, went to find a fire extinguisher from the hallway as most everyone lost their collective minds. Kaito was screaming, Gonta was shouting and headed to the kitchen to get some water, and Ryoma, too exhausted to truly care, offered to sit in the chair and put the blaze out with his corpse. Miu and Kokichi were laughing their asses off while Tenko escorted both Himiko and Angie out of the dining area via piggyback and forceful dragging, with Angie protesting something along the lines of wanting to roast marshmallows. Kaede was immediately down Miu's throat, asking why in the _hell_ Kiibo can breathe _fire_ , with Tsumugi commenting something about Kiibo awakening his Adolla Burst or whatever. Rantaro and Kiyo quickly made their exit, not wanting to deal with the situation at all. Shuichi, in the meantime, was trying to comfort a distressed and flustered Kiibo ("Yes I know you didn't mean to light the chair on fire. No eating isn't inherently dangerous.")

Kirumi was heading to also do something about the fire when Kokichi spoke up, in-between his fits of mad cackling. 

"Hey, Mom! I gotta request for you!"

Spinning on her heel to face the smug bastard, the Maid tilted her head in a way that said "make it quick."

"Could you get me a bottle of grape Panta from the fridge?" he asked in an obnoxious voice. "Thaaaaaaanks~!" 

Giving a tight smile, the ever-diligent Maid nodded and, quick as a flash, brought Kokichi his drink.

"Gotta have something to drink to enjoy the show, y'know?" Kokichi said with a cheeky grin.

The Leader opened his drink and began to chug it down.

Unfortunately for him, that was a fatal mistake.

Kirumi, making sure that everyone else's attention was elsewhere, had leaned down and whispered in a soft, elegant, deadpan voice in the unfortunate boy's ear, 

_"Nut in my pussy hair, that's deep conditioner."_

_WH-_

The effect was immediate. Kokichi, completely caught off-guard, shot Panta all over the table _through his nose,_ adding to the chaos.

"Kokichi!?" Shuichi and Kiibo cried out in unison.

"AHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! COCK-ITCHY'S A FUCKIN SPRAYER I GUESS!" Miu laughed out madly, while Kaito was futilely slapping the lit chair with his jacket in an effort to put out the flames.

Kokichi, coughing and sputtering, pointed at Kirumi with his finger. With energy reminiscent of an 18th-century Slavic babushka foretelling one's imminent demise via unnatural causes, he silently declared war on the Maid.

Kirumi paid no mind as she made her way to the kitchen to get the fire extinguisher from under the sink.

Tsumugi, with her head in her hands, whispered,

" _It's only_ _9 AM."_

...

**== == == == == == ==**

**Direct Message between Shuichi Saihara and Miu Iruma**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Shuichi Saihara:** Iruma-san, may I ask you something?

 **Miu Iruma:** whaddap shylock homo

 **Shuichi Saihara:** What is your PayPal? I need to send you some money.

 **Miu Iruma:** uhhhh why tho?

 **Miu Iruma:** not that I'm complaining, but still

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Well

 **Shuichi Saihara:** To put it simply

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Kiibo's ass is a work of art. Well done.

 **Miu Iruma:** AASKFGAKDGJHAL;DH;ALKDGHA'LSK _**WHAT!!?**_

**== == == == == == ==**

**Direct Message between Miu Iruma and Tsumugi Shirogane**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Miu Iruma:** wtfscreenshot.jpg

 **Miu Iruma:** Is this the fucking thing I should worry about!?!

 **Tsumugi Shirogane:** _Oh for fucks sake._

**== == == == == == ==**

**Direct Message between Shuichi Saihara and Kirumi Tojo**

**== == == == == == ==**

**Shuichi Saihara:** Well done today by the way, Tojo-san.

 **Kirumi Tojo:** Why thank you. 

**Kirumi Tojo:** This request of yours of teasing Ouma-san is one that I enjoy with relish, I assure you.

 **Kirumi Tojo:** I would like my payment now.

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Oh, sure thing.

 **Shuichi Saihara:** Kaede is dying to see this new romantic drama that came out in theatres a couple of days ago. If you score some tickets, she'll definitely want to go with you.

 **Kirumi Tojo:** Thank you very much, Saihara-san. 

**Shuichi Saihara:** No, thank you for taking my request to begin with. I really appreciate it.

 **Kirumi Tojo:** It is my pleasure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I come bearing the gift of *ć̸͉̜̈͊̾̾̅̊̊̾͗̃õ̴͓̼͓̼͔̟̝̟̼͉̹͈̬̜̓̐͊͝ͅn̵̫̜͈͗̉̉̋͗́͗̅͘̕͝͝ͅṭ̶̢͈̗̳̰̮̝̺̤̻̲͈̃̉̈̈́̓ě̷̫̟̻̻͎̦̏n̵͙͉̭̯̭̥͓̮͍͙̘̈́̔͊͋̅͝͝ṭ̴̲̫͓̹̀*, my readers.
> 
> I'll be trying to actively crank out more chapters soon, now that things are finally starting to settle down where I am. Please stay tuned, and know that this train ain't got no mothafuckin breaks.
> 
> Stay safe~!


End file.
